Someone called him a monster and I cringe, no that wasn't him not a monster Right ? I still take so much responsibility for that Date; Aug 22, 2003. I find myself wanting to make excuses for him. for me, for the entire situation. I want to make that day completely something different, but life doesn't work like that. I find myself saying awful things to myself, I was the one who wanted to go shopping who just wanted to be normal that day. I hate more than anything that feeling of wanting Normal, whatever that is! Like he wasn't a monster, that I think of when I hear the word. He didn't yell or scream, he didn't call me any names.He wasn't violent, he didn't hit me, he didn't leave any marks. Yes, he took what he wanted, but I was so far gone. Maybe if I didn't go to that place that was so far gone, I could have stopped him and things would be different. My mind knew what was coming, I knew what he was going to do; after I fought , telling him no one hundred times, that we were supposed to go shopping, I told him over and over," but we are supposed to go shopping, we are supposed to go shopping." My mind knew and I feel like a switch was flipped. I tried to tell him over and over soon I felt like there were no words coming out, he wasn't listening. And I know that I have talked about that pillow falling on my face. I can still see it in my head it was a square pillow , a darker orange it wasn't one of my favorites, and wasn't very soft. I knew once that pillow fell on my face, my body and mind knew what was next and that flip was switched; and I went to a place so very far away, so far away that I wasn't even in the room as he took what he wanted. I see it in my head like I went into this dark room where there was no light, no windows nothing comfortable and was away. Just so far away.
I could not tell you what happened during that time, because I was in that far away place where I felt nothing saw nothing and heard nothing , there was just nothing. A Nothing and everything place.
I wasn't back in my room until he was off of me , and getting dressed. I was still gone but at least I can see the room again, my mind was still very far away, but I could see myself laying there on the bed. I was just a shell holding empty space. I was nothing. I rolled over covering myself, and he just had this look, He was quite happy with himself. I think I even smiled, I guess to just ease the situation, that is what I did just smile and pretend that everything is OK; I am not sure but I wasn't happy and I just wanted him to hurry and leave. I am grateful that he got dressed quickly, I remember him struggling to put his sandals on, his feel I still have that picture in my head. I remember him looking at his watch, saying he had to leave. Still in my mind, I was trying to make sense, thinking what happened, we were supposed to go shopping, and I think it was then I realized that he never had any plans of lunch, of shopping. He never had any plans of anything normal that early afternoon. I remember pulling my shirt closed, folding my arms across my chest and following him to the front door. He was in a hurry, he made comments about his "Beautiful" red BMW. Time was moving so slow, and I wanted to understand I wanted to erase the hurt in my heart, I wanted to understand why I wasn't listened too. I wanted to pretend that he was a good guy, and that we went shopping and had a great time. Those things didn't happen. I said Goodbye, noticing the very green color of the bushes and that they needed to be trimmed. I closed the door checked all the locks, checked them again and again and again. Finally I went back to bed crying.
There wasn't violence he just didn't listen, Right ? He didn't hear me, he didn't hear me and didn't listen. I think this is part of the reason, why I struggle so much with separating the before and after; , there is an intense need to separate that is so strong. There was the before, where he didn't listen. There was the dark room, where I went to get away and then there was this other side; my beautiful amazing children. On the other side is where I came out, where there is life again. I think my mind wants that clear picture, where everything makes sense and there just isn't one. I want to pretend that the first side doesn't exist, and isn't attached to the rest and doesn't lead to the next thing but the fact is that with out one side there also isn't the other. This hurts my heart. This hurts because I am not the only one affected. This hurts because it affects the ones that are most important to me. This is so very painful because I can't understand something being so terrible that I disappear to a place in my head, where there is nothing but blackness. I have said I would do it all again to be their mom , and I would a million times the rest of my life to have them, I just want to find a place where the before fits in my heart and doesn't hurt. I don't even think I make sense anymore. There is no making sense of this is there ? How does a person come to terms and come to a place of understanding with something like this ? I will keep searching, keep writing and one day hope for some peace.
I heart your heart.
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