Without Wings, She tries to Fly

"You forced her into silence, yet expected her to sing. You took her innocence then you asked her to fly without wings."    Little Girl Speak


This.  This is how my mind, heart and body feels right now.  This.

Right now I don't feel like I can fly.

I can tell you its been a rough few days that have turned into a rough few weeks.  This picture made me ugly cry. Right now it feels like my insides have been ripped open and things demolished and stolen that I can never recover.  I am not saying that there will be no healing, I am not saying that I am giving up on someday finding peace.  What I am saying is that there will be some things that will always be a struggle, there are some things that are  always going to hurt, no matter the amount of time that passes, and no matter how hard that I work to heal this heart.

It has been some time since, I have been in this state, feeling everything and nothing all at the same time.   There are so many things to say; things that I want to express but my mind is overflowing, and my fingers won't move to type on the keys.  I am grateful that times like this are fewer now but when this happens its gut wrenching.  I feel like a burden,  I just need too much.  I want someone to sit with me as  I cry until there aren't any tears and I can laugh again. These feelings make me feel like such a burden, and for me that is one of the worst feelings in the world.

I feel like every hurt,every trauma, every rape, every assault is in full view, screaming at me all at once. All the how's and why's are creeping in. All the things I thought I knew, don't seem to matter when there is a new layer of the pain exposed. There is a part of me that wants to spill my guts, and the other part that doesn't because I can't be a burden, a pest, or that person that is just dwelling and needs to get over it. I think for most of my life I have felt more of a burden than anything. If I had a wish, I would make that feeling go away. I dream of someday being able to share and not feeling ashamed, dirty or like I am the one who has done something detrimental to others by speaking the truth.  Someday.

There was no sleep last night, or the last few really. again I watched Unbelievable looking for some answers that I know aren't there, but I watched hoping to grab onto some piece of advice, or kind words to make me feel better, to make me feel less alone.  I even reached out to Pandy's I feel like this quarantine is challenging ever cell in my body.  There is no sense of normalcy, there is little routine and I worry,  Summer is coming and I am needing to hold on to something anything to keep me grounded.

I hope that in time, my oozy insides will ooze less ; I can find the right words and figure out the things that are in my head. This road that I am on so often gets messy and so foggy, even after coming so far.   I think in these times, its clear to see the progress that I have made and look forward to continue that forward motion, heal my heart and strive to make the best life that I can for my children and I. I watched a TED talk the other day and said healing was three steps forward and 10 steps back,  I so feel that today. There are things about the past that I have no control over, I just must face them as the come .  I have said it before,  I think this process for me is something that will be lifelong,  I think there will be things that come up from time to time.  But I hope it will get easier and not be such a big blow, because this is the life that I have and there are to many people that I need to help, and so many stories to be told.  Some days I will fly, some days I will fall but there will never be a day that I stop.  There will never be a day that I give in.

I heart your heart , even with my oozy messy torn heart. I will always heart your heart.