Quarantine

This Covid-19 has been harder on me than I ever imagined.  I like everyone else was like ok , for a few weeks to flatten the curve and things will go back to normal.  Well its anything but normal 6 weeks later and I don't think there will ever be a Normal again. At least not like it was before.  Everyone was excited in the beginning thinking this is a big break, we are going to have all this time.  For a person who struggles and is alone on the inside most of the time this time is not a good one.  This time is more than hard, and leaves a brain like mine with too much time to think. For a person like me in a house with people that make you feel alone even in their presence , this is incredibly difficult because these are the same people that you are with all day everyday.  That feeling in my heart of being alone is bigger being at home, than it would be in my everyday.  I can promise its huge in my every day and this is even bigger and more than I ever expected. My life works on doing things the same on routine and support from the people that I work with, From Mark. I like things that same I like to know what is expected.  In these times, there are many unknown's and very little support.  I am trying to find the right words,  to help you understand the gravity of this for someone like me.  I am falling short, in every way.  People talk about family connection and together time for me, that is not the case and these days are long and hard.  I am not looking forward to the Summer, I am not looking forward to what lays ahead.  I have given my all trying to be grateful think of this as a good thing and I don't.

I am in a house with my son who sees his needs as more important as anyone's.  He is often rude and unkind.  He doesn't listen to a word I say and is more than disrespectful. He has excuses for everything, and he makes me cry a few days a week.  I don't have a clue what I am supposed to do, but its bad, really bad.  I live with my mother who does things like she did as I was growing up, and that is hard for me to handle.  I have worked my entire life healing from that and trying to do it differently, yet I often feel stuck in an atmosphere like I grew up in and its heartbreaking.  I try to let things I try not to make things a big deal,  but there is no break and, I am exhausted.  The more I try and tell her, the worse that it gets.

Mariska is my saving grace.  She watches out for me,  she cares for my heart and makes me laugh.  I know for sure that I am still walking and breathing because of her.  She is the calm voice telling me that its ok, that its a good thing we have each other.  She was the only one in my house that even got me  a birthday present.  I am so very grateful. 

I think I am just writing so I don't forget this time.  Not like that is likely but when all this is over and the kids are back in school, when I am back to work and I have some peace, I am going to hug those who help me through each day a little harder and a little longer because I am so very grateful. I am grateful every day but even more so since this.

I heart your heart.