Violation

I get Angry at myself often that I am not further along in healing, that I still get so sad. There are days when the memories, visions and feelings all win. There are days when I want to scream at the world, to make all the hurt stop. There are days I want to run far and away and never look back. Then I remember why I have that sadness in my heart and soul and its completely overwhelming.  I see a picture like this, and I am silenced but only because there are not any words, if you listen I think you can hear my heart and its pieces .  There are no words, that will do.  There is literally only sadness. Lately there is an immense amount of sadness. Sadness for a little girl that just wanted to be. Sadness for a little girl that never got to be little.  Sadness for a life that never got to be lived, sadness for a life that no one would ever chose.  Sadness for a life where there was nothing safe and sound.  It's a sadness that comes and goes at times.  It used to be there all the time.  It is there less the work that I do but its always there. Rearing its ugly head at all the wrong times. Lately it seems to be bigger and be lasting for an exceptional amount of time.  Maybe this is just another level to the healing that has to take place, but its painful none the less.  I will never understand the lack of care and concern for such a little girl. Today I don't understand how I even made it out alive.  So many hands people did what they wanted when they wanted and no one stepped in.  I get frustrated that I can survive all of that and keep doing everything that as expected and yet today I would rather crawl in a hole for some time until my heart feels that its ready to come out.

It makes me angry and sad that today my heart still wants those kind arms to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok.  I want to be held and cry it all out, until there are no tears left.  Those things are all OK as a child, but I am not a child anymore.  There is no being held, until the pieces all fall back into place. Some days that is too much to bear, today is one of those days. I want some one to just hold me until I feel better until I have cried those tears and out of pure exhaustion I am able to safely go to sleep.   That need to be cared for is so strong.  Someday that has to lesson.  I dream of that someday, but I am not going to hold my breathe.  I have to learn to get those things some other way by some other means.  Someday, Someday.  I guess maybe its another layer of this beast that has been my life.  In time the sadness will lesson, the hurt will subside and the agony won't feel so heavy.  Today is does.  My heart hurts, I want to be cared for and understood.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs about those that didn't do what they were supposed to.  I want to feel strong, and confident ;powerful and pretty. I want to know that where I am today is ok, even if I have a long way to go.


I heart your heart