Mothers Day

 

Oh, my heart.  I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep until it's over.  I hate this day, so very much.  For so many different reasons.  Being a single mom, you don't get a Mother's Day really.  The never-ending list that needs to get done doesn't stop because it's Mother's Day.  So, I will be shampooing the upstairs floor from the almost 18-year cat.  I will be vacuuming the stairs and all of downstairs.  We got some organic bananas last week and fruit flies have seemed to invade out kitchen. I have scrubbed and scrubbed and still they persist.  It's just a hard heavy heart day and it makes me sad.  There is no celebration really.  It will be a day like any other doing what I always do.  I already told Mariska that when I pick her up from work, I am just going to go upstairs.  Why prolong a day that hurts your heart.  Mariska was sweet this morning, she wrote me an amazing card that made me cry, she sees me and gets it. She got me some thoughtful gifts and was more than excited.  She said that she doesn't understand why our lives seem so hard a lot of the time, and I have to agree.  It is not an oh poor me.  That is not who I am, it's just that ordinary things are usually complicated for us, maybe the nature of the best.  I don't know, but life for us is often hard. Most often things do not work as planned and disappointment is just a part of how things go.

I am tired really really tired.  There are things that I just can't do on my own and I hate that more than words.  I have pictures from January that I haven't been able to hang up yet.  I have asked Vincent and there is always an excuse.  Something that would take him less than an hour to help will take me more than a day because I have to empty the library to be able to reach the pictures.  I put his laundry in the dryer, hang up his clothes.  He will throw the clean rugs on the floor and my shirt from the dryer will get thrown on top.  I love him so and sometimes it seems he purposely crushes my heart. 

There is a part of me that feels guilty on this day.  I remember the one time that I didn't give my mother even a card.  She had been treating me so terribly and I couldn't write a card that had some grateful message I was drowning, and she didn't care. I did feel bad and wrote one telling her that it must have fallen beside her nightstand. I didn't want to write one, but I also didn't want to see her hurt.  I couldn't understand why she didn't care about me. Why did she hate me so much.  I think that even until the end the disgust that she had for me was evident and I will never understand why. I don't miss her, but I miss that I don't have a mom.  I miss that i don't have a person who I can go to for anything.  I miss the fact that there is no one person I could go to with anything.  All the words that she never spoke to me became very clear when my brother was the sole beneficiary of her life insurance.  Just the fact that she completely removed me, that said more than any words could possibly convey.  She hated me and the person that I was.  So today I am alone doing all the things that need to get done and my heart is breaking, that things are the way they are.  Mariska is at work.  Vincent still in his room and here I sit, tears flowing knowing that there are things I need to get done.  Maybe someday things will change maybe someday things can level out and everything won't be so difficult. It's rainy, lots of thunder and that is exactly how my weary soul feels right now.  

I heart your heart.