Wants and Needs

 

I am finding that I often don't have a clue how to distinguish between the two.  I want to win the lottery.  But do I need to win the lottery?  Of course not.  The things that I have wanted and needed in my life are things that never happened a good amount of the time. I often feel needy, and I think that is one of the worst feelings in the world.  I feel like the things that I need are just too much to ask of people.  I fear that I am so needy that people are going to see me coming and run the other way.  That is a constant real fear in my world.  There isn't a day that goes by that needy doesn't cross my mind. Growing up in my house, there could be no needs and your wants didn't matter.  Growing up in that is something that creates ideas about things that are so opposite of how they should be.  Even today at 49 I am having to look at how those things are impacting me and what I can do to change it.  All these years later, I am still so affected. There is this idea in my head that I am not supposed to need anything.  And my wants well does that really even matter? 

I am really struggling with this.  And I am maybe beating myself up a little to be 49 and confused about this is a lot to take in.  I get where it comes from.  I was never allowed wants and needs.  Everyone else's needs always mattered more.  And it wasn't a thought to voice the things that you wanted because what I wanted never mattered.  Thats puts a little one in a very strange place.  And sitting here I can't help but think just how fucked that my entire childhood was.  Completely batshit insane crazy was the world that I grew up in.  

So we were talking last night and this pyramid seems so off in so many ways.  I am trying to understand the young girl that I was 13, how she survived and how she fits into my world today and it just might be the hardest thing that I have ever done. It still is something crazy how those ideas and feelings come from the house that I grew up.  They were so angry at me at 13 for my responses to what happened to me, for the person that I was.  At the same time I was the person that they created.  That is extremely frustrating, all the things they taught me they used against me, talk about fucking confusing. For me this pyramid means nothing.  Yes, my basic needs were met I had food and shelter.  The bare basics I had those.  I had a bed and toys, I had a roof over my house.  But going from there, the number of things that I didn't get are things that I still have to fight today.  

 

Next level, Safety and security.  There was no safety in my world I was hurt, used for everyone's needs around me. Whatever those around me wanted was what was taken.  They wanted sex they took it, they wanted to touch me that is exactly what they did.  There was never a sense of safety and I never felt secure ever.  Not even in my own parents' arms.  There was always a sense not to get too comfortable because, at any second someone could come and hurt you, so that is how you learn to live your life. 

 Love and belonging.  Yea that is a rough one.  I think there was a time that I felt love from my mom, but it was conditional.  As long as she agreed and was getting what she needed all was well with the world.  There was a competition, from her that I never asked her and never understood.  At 5 thinking it was ok that my father was touching me because he just thought I was my mom.  Why was that even a thought. how would I even know that kind of touching was between my parents?  I don't know but I never remember not knowing.  I was a part of so many things before I ever should have been.  And writing I think about the little things.  He would ask for a sandwich and I knew that was sex from as long as I can remember.  Why would I know that?  And my first thought was always concern for my mother.  Just so many thoughts that I never should have had. So, love, well there was some love, but it was conditional from my mother, and I don't remember ever feeling loved by my father, EVER Ever and I always tried so hard.  To be good and do the right thing but nothing made him happy. Then there is the belonging, I have never belonged anywhere in my entire life.  I have always felt like an outsider.  I think I belong with my peers in my Grad classes.  I feel like i belong there, but everywhere else, I am a misfit.  I think that is why I always understood the misfit toys.  There was always something wrong with me that made me different, and I just never belonged anywhere.  That longing was always there, but things just don't seem to go right a lot of the time. Finding a place where I belong often feels like a dream, I have belonged a few times, but in my everyday, there is not a sense of belonging. 

Self-Esteem--This one I don't even know.  Often like almost all the time, I don't feel like I am worth much.  I get moments and I feel good and then bam I fall face first back to reality.  I know in some ways I am smart, that I am good at some things but there is some kind of inherent awfulness that I feel down to my very bones. No matter what I do it's wrong, or not enough or not the right way and that kind of anxiety is so heavy. So yea, this one is tough.  I never grew up feeling that I was good enough just because of who I was as a person.  That thought is pretty foreign.  

I have to say that somehow, I managed the top of the pyramid. Might be some kind of miracle I learned so very early to take in all the small things that made my weird little heart happy and those were the things that kept me going.  It was my animals, it was nature, it was little kindnesses along the way that I learned to hold onto with all my might and those were the things that kept me alive.  There was always a sense that there was something else in the world for me.  There was always a sense that if I just kept going things were going to get better.  My goal was to make sure that others never had to feel the depth of the pain and sorrow that I felt.  In so many ways those were the things that kept me breathing and fighting.  I think my fight began for others and now I am in the picture, and I am fighting for myself.  I am fighting for all the things that I never got.  I am fighting to find some kind of happy medium making sure that others never have to feel the things that I have felt and at the same time fighting to create all those things for myself that so many take for granted. I take nothing for granted in this life and that has carried me.    

So I guess all that to say, I could not have any wants and needs growing up because neither of those things mattered. Today it still boggles my mind how twisted that the two can become.  I feel needy most of the time for things that others believe are just the basics of life.  So many things confusing to this brain of mine.  I feel like there are so many things that I need and feel that for so many reasons are not ok to need.  That feeling to belong somewhere is more than important and such a fight for me. Maybe someday. I think part of the struggle is that there is no way to go back and get some of those needs met.  All you can do is go forward.  I think sometimes with that, there are just going to be gaps and missing pieces because there is no way to even experience some things once they are past.  I often wonder is that is where that ever-present ache might come from.  When you don't have your needs met beyond the bare minimum, there are things that may never make sense to me.  When these gaps are created, there is just a gap in life.  I will move on I will find my place and my happy, but I think there will be moments when I still feel the sting of the things that I didn't get to experience. Sometimes that can be really heavy.  

I heart your heart.