The truth is there has not been much writing lately. I am running from any feeling keeping myself busy doing everything but what it is that I need. Grad School is out, The school year is ending and I have all this time and yet it terrifies me. I sit to write and I start to feel and then find something else that needs my attention more. The truth is I need my attention. Spunky needs attention right now. I need to stop running from the things that are pulling on my heart and know I will be ok. I feel like Spunky needs an exceptional amount of care right now. She is screaming to be heard, to be seen and to be taken care of. She is so sad and so alone. She needs to know that what happened to her affected everything and that is ok. It may take her a life time, but she is worth that lifetime to heal and to be free.
I don't even know how it fits in but I am terrified that people are going to leave. Like if I voice all the things that she thinks and feels people will run. They will run as fast as they can, as far as they can. I don't have words to explain how real that is for me. That once again I am going to take that chance and be left. I just can't be left anymore.
The last few weeks I find every reason to put her on a shelf. I am busy, I have other more important things to do. I have a list of things I would rather do, but the truth is, she is begging for attention. I feel it in my bones. The last few weeks the nightmares have been constant. Physically I feel the hurt that was done to her, and that is something that I don't even have words for. They hurt her so much, and I wake up and I feel that. The ache, the hurt. All this time and I still feel it. In a crazy way what they did has a hold on my cells, and they remember what was done. That is something that brings the greatest amount of shame. All these years later, I can still feel them. I know all the right things; I know it wasn't her fault. I know that dancing with him was in no way an invitation. But this heart of mine wants to take full responsibility. The flashbacks are plenty and they haven't been like this in a long time. The fan, a touch, a piece of memory they are all there vying for attention and all I want to do is ignore. I want it all to be nice and neat and that isn't a possibility. I feel like inviting her to be beside me, is a task that I want more than anything that I am at the same time terrified of. I just want her to be as much a part of me as little Callahan. I want her free, I want her to be in a place of peace. I don't think she lives in that violent place but I think it still has a hold on her and that is what I need to break. The hold that all those things have is so great and I don't fully understand why. I know I keep saying after all this time, but it feels that after all this time, things should be easier for her. She is ashamed of what was done. She is petrified of being left behind. She holds an extreme amount of sadness that so much was taken away that she can never get back or experience again. So here it is, this is my time to help spunky, out of the place that she is in and into the light. Just jump sweet girl trust me, we can't make it different but we can make a difference.
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