I had to get some head shots for promotion that the conference will use in July. When I got them back it was really hard. There was lots of closing them down so that I didn't have to see them anymore. In them I see a girl, I see ugly and gross and trying to find one that was presentable was really hard. There was lots of cropping, because you see, I felt like they showed to much of my chest, and I have always hated my chest. I have always hated that I had a chest from pretty early on. Whether I was skinny or not, I have always had a chest. When I had really good insurance, I was going to get a reduction. I wanted them really small. I can remember the Dr saying are you sure, once we remove what we do it can't be undone. No, I was completely sure. My chest my breasts have always given me attention that I have always hated. First my father then Albert. I remember the guy in my fifth-grade class, he sat behind me and was constantly grabbing me, until I finally asked to be moved. Constant attention and reminders that others could take what they wanted. Maybe someday, I will get that reduction, I cannot even tell you how happy that would make me.
So the pictures, there was just so much ugly in me, and I struggled to get away from that. There were a few that I was able to crop that I liked. But for me, I don't like pictures and its attention that makes me nervous, makes me feel seen in the most uncomfortable ways.
I just feel ugly and part of that is just me. I am overweight and there are pieces of that that keep me safe. There are pieces of that, that provide a kind of safety. I hear Joan, I was just the chubby unpopular kid who would want to rape me? I took that to heart. I was even too disgusting to be raped. Well, let me fix that, get heavier and maybe I won't ever be hurt again. I did get skinny once, I didn't each much at all, I was comfortable in my own skin but once that attention started, I panicked. I was in a CD store and there was a guy that commented on my shirt, it scared the shit out of me like I didn't ask you to compliment my shirt. He tried talking to me about the music that I was looking at but I saw him as a threat. Why would he talk to me? There was the guy that knew I came to class early and he would also get there early and hold the door open for me. When I smiled and said save the whales there was no mocking or saying it was stupid, he would just smile. I will never forget him. There was Scott that I met at Colin County. He saw me and was more than kind. We had so many things in common and I just couldn't bear to be seen. There is a part of me that sees the pictures and thinks she isn't so ugly. I don't see the things that have happened to her. I see a kind soul, I see a woman who holds joy, kindness and there is a softness to her. Maybe someday, I will look at these pictures and think, look how far you have come. Look at why these pictures are taken look at all of the things that you are accomplishing. Someday, I hope I can see me and see those things. There is a piece of me that sees these pictures and I think, I would be her friend. I want to know what makes her happy and what makes her sad. I want to know her story and where she has come from. I wonder what others will think when they see them. I wonder if others can see the ugly, I feel inside. I see the one of me laughing and think, she looks so happy so settled. No one would ever know the horror she survived. It's like there is a part of me that doesn't deserve to be pretty to feel comfortable in my skin. It looks like she doesn't have a care in the world. I look very girly in the pictures and being a girl was something that I have always hated. Being a girl gets you hurt, being a girl is more than hurtful. I sit here looking at these pictures and I think :
Yes that. Someday.
I hope that someday when I am gone, someone, somewhere, picks my soul up off of these pages and thinks, I would have loved her. Nicole Lyons.
I heart your heart
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