I find myself unable to write the last few weeks. I sit down with all of these thoughts, and I can't fit them together to make any kind of a cohesive thought. I fear that the writing will let out the emotions and I am not sure that I am prepared to do that. There is a heavy tired in every part of me, like I need a breather, a break a time to recenter and be ok with where I am at. I am finally at a place where many of the things that hurt me in the past feel like they are very away. I can see them, remember them but I don't have to experience them anymore. That shift has been a long time coming for me, and something that feels like such a huge success. And still there are other things that I constantly feel, that are on repeat, that still hold a kind of fear, that I don't understand after all this time. There are some days that my heart feels like that thirteen-year-old girl scared to move, scared to breath. There are days that I feel her in every bone of my body. Her terror, her fight, her longing to be loved and cared for. I have found myself feeling her more lately and that just beings a certain heaviness. There are parts of me that struggle to understand the life that she survived. I want her to come and sit near me and let me love her. I want to care for that 13-year-old girl and show her all the kindness and light that the world has to offer. She has to be close; I am fighting for her with all that I am. She just has to trust that it's the right time and that her heart will be cared for not for a moment in time but forever. I am fighting for that girl, I want her to be free, I want her to feel to love and laughter. I want her to rest, take all the weight off her shoulders and for once in her life not have a care in the world.
I truly feel like this is a piece I need to conquer for me to be free and move on. It's not like somehow everything will be perfect. I am not expecting things to be 100% over but she is a huge piece, she carries all that I do and don't remember. I am here every day showing up, while she has shut the world out because she knows it's every danger. I spend my time trying to give her hope and understanding that things are different. She is believed she is loved she is everything that I need to move forward and create the life that we have always wanted. She still feels like this other person, and I look forward to the day she feels like a part of me. I want her close and am in awe that she survived the worst that the world has to offer. I want to show her some of the best that the world has to offer, to do that I need her to come closer closer, just next to me so we can have an understanding of each other. I want to tell her all those things are over and that it is ok to breathe freely. She wants to remind me of the awful of the things that have happened that she fears will happen again. I think in a lot of ways she still blames herself. She danced with him, she had butterflies, She did those things and today I know those were not things that invited what happened she feels so much less than all the time. I think that maybe she fears sitting on the couch next to me because she feels most worthless as a human. Like there is this thought somewhere that once she is worthwhile then she can walk into Mark's office and be sad, be angry, be hurt . Once she feels worthwhile to even feel all the things that she feels then she can make space to rest in a so safe place. Even writing about her, that part of me that wanted to die at 13, it's so heavy. She has a heaviness, that I struggle with. She holds so many things that I fear facing. The loss and pain that is in her heart is enough to stop it from beating, and that is difficult. I know that we will make it. We lived it once, and don't live there anymore yet it's so painful. She never felt good enough. Not only was it her fault what happened, it was her fault she lost Bella. It was her fault that she couldn't carry her, that loss is devastating after all this time. She never got to talk about her, she never got to experience her loss her gried her soul shattering sadness. She was expected to move on and pretend that nothing happened, but a lot happened she lost something that was her entire world and not a single soul cared for her heart. I don't know how a 13 year old deals with that. All she feels is guild about what happened and all the unanswered questions that there are no answers for. I think that for many things in her life there are no words and there is the struggle trying to heal her. I think she wants to sit beside me more than anything, but that fear is something so great. I get that and I hope that soon she can take that leap and just do it. Things are different today I have never been stronger and there is no one that will shame her or make her feel like she is less. She just feels those things as automatic as the breaths that she takes. I am not giving up, that sweet girl deserves every kindness and more. Words or no words, just be with me we can do this together.
I heart your heart
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