She will dance, laugh and BE

 

I was talking about Spunky and what it will look like when she is done.  I want to be in a place where it isn't so hurtful to think about the things that she has been through.  Sometimes the ache that is there when I speak about her is the hardest thing I have ever done.  She never got the things that she needed, and I am not sure that she thinks she has a right to the same needs as everyone else.  She is something other, something that I can't find the right word for.  I want her to be a part of me and not something in the corner, that is living life so afraid. I think about the weekend that I met Don.  I needed that attention.  I needed his kindness and because I needed those things, I was so terribly hurt. I just don't know how to change that feeling.  Somehow when I was 13, I should have been able to know that he wasn't a good guy.  Even writing that, there is no way that I could have known his intentions, there was no way for me to know just how cruel that he was.  I say that and it makes sense, and my heart says see you needed that attention, you had butterflies and you kissed him that is what happens.  Maybe that is what happens when you are thirteen.  Maybe, it's to have those feelings and be excited, but I don't have that right.  I get angry because I had already been through hell I should have known somehow, I should have known. There are so many complicated thoughts and feelings when it comes to her.  And whether I like it or not there is still a part of me, that is terrified of her.  

I want her to have the kind of freedom that she deserves.  I want her to be free from fear and hurt and nightmares and flashbacks.  I want her to have a life that is easy and peaceful she deserves that.  I want her to not have to think about what has been done to her.  I want for her to feel safe and sound. I want her to be able to enjoy the peaceful things that always kept her alive. I want her to feel the breeze with no bad memories attached.  I want her to hear her favorite song and not be afraid of any attention.  I want her to feel the beat and move free as she could possibly be, that is what I want for her.  When she is able to do those things then I will know that all my fighting for her was more than worth it, because I fought for her and gave her what she has needed all her life. 

I heart your heart. 

I heart her heart.