Healing is Hard

 

Today was one of those days in therapy, that I didn't want to leave. I just wanted to stay and be heard and cry and let it all out. He always gives me a hug when I get there and when I leave. Often that is the only hug I get all week.  After my session I got my hug, and then we talked about something, but the tears started, I tried so hard to just leave but I didn't.  and I gave him another hug and I didn't want to let go.  Talking about the things that happened to me , how I was treated what I felt. Just to be safe and heard. The little 13 year old girl never had that. I could not be more grateful for him. For someone to be sorry for what happened to me that is unimaginable.   To be cared for when you haven't had that means the world.  I think that 13-year-old part of me is getting closer, I feel like she is ready to be helped, to let her guard down and come out of that place of darkness where she is alone in her sad.  She has so many things to be sad about.  I feel like I can't ask her to drop everything all at once, because that just isn't fair. The things that she has lived through, the things that she has seen, I know that I have to be patient.  I just want her to be a part of me, she doesn't have to be so strong and have the answers. She does wear a cloak of sadness, and she has that right in this moment.  The things that have happened to her the things that she has survived she has earned every tear and it is my hope that as she slowly slowly lets them out, that her cloak will become lighter and there will come a time when she can hang it up and put it in a safe place. I have this picture in my head of this cloak that as time goes on, will become this vibrant beautiful coat of arms.  It will lose much of its sadness and be replaced with all the things that she has always struggled, to believe about herself.  Her cloak will transform into everything strong, beautiful and brave.  There will come a time when she won't have to wear it anymore, but it will always be close to her heart. I believe that there will always be a kind of quiet about her.  Often I have talked about what a "Normal 13-year-old" would be like and do. For Spunky, I don't think those things are for her. 

She has experienced a kind of evil, that affects a person's soul and I think there is always going to be a quiet for her in the world.  She is just grateful to be here to be believed, to be heard, to be valued and she will be content with a quiet existence in the world. She is different and always will be.  She has seen the worst that the world has to offer, and she longs for quiet contentment. I know that she will find happy, but the deepness of her sadness is something that may take a lifetime, and I have to be ok with that.  She will find, happy, she will learn to live and love and feel safe in time she doesn't have many positive experiences with that.  She needs a great deal of gentle care and understanding.  She has come such a long way and I love that she has chosen to fight in the world.  I just look forward to her knowing that she isn't alone.  That she isn't as awful as the things that people have said about her. I look forward to her being comfortable in her own skin and being able to see her beauty, her bravery and her worth. 

I look forward to the day she doesn't feel less than because of the things that have happened to her.  I look forward to the day that she is no longer ashamed. I look forward to the day when she doesn't doubt herself or need others to believe her.  I look forward to the day when that little fighter that I was at 5, and that strong girl I was at thirteen can all stand together and say these are the things that happened to us, they more than hurt us, they changed who we are to our very core. But here we are today stronger than we have ever been.  We have struggled and fought our way to this point.  And we are going to make sure that things are done different for others like us, and those that come after us.  My heart is so tired, and so many days giving up would be easy.  That is the thing about Callahan she never goes for easy.  I hope that someday soon we can stop the having to fight and just rest in the hard healing work that we have done. Someday.  Someday. 

I heart your heart.