Trying to heal with everything that happened at 13 is more than difficult. One of the big reasons for that are the things that were said to me, even sometimes while trying to heal. It has been a week, there have been so many thoughts and memories about the things that went on during that time and my heart is tired. Looking back, I find it so very hard to believe how I was treated and the things that people found ok to say to me. One of them even came from a counselor's mouth and made me feel so small and not believed. If what happened to me was serious, then I would have been believed, and then I would have been cared for. I cannot believe how unbelievably hard it has been to write, in these last few weeks. I sit and I sit and there are so many thoughts and words and yet, I am scared to feel them, scared to write them, and scared to see the impact that others still have on me today. I believe their words and I play them over and over trying to make sense. Trying to imagine why they said what they did, and why were they so hurtful . instead of helping these people added so much more hurt to a young girl who had no one.
So here are the most hurtful things.
I was the chubby unpopular kid, who would want to do that to me ?
Sex doesn't take that long
How many were there
She just wants attention
Well she isn't showing enough emotion
Well if this is true
I read this list and I can't believe it. I am shocked beyond words how I was treated and the things that people said out loud. If these were the things that they said out loud in front of people, I can't imagine, the things that they said that I didn't know about. I have thought and thought and thought about these things wanting them to be different. Trying to understand the place that they came from and I just can't. I just wanted someone to care, I wanted someone to say I am so sorry that these things happened to you. How is your heart, what do you need, can i stay with you. I didn't get those things and I needed that more than anything. I think that there are times that because of these words that were spoken, somehow, I was less than. Somehow their words and actions, were a sign that I must be some kind of terrible. I was the kind of terrible that deserved these things because I was such a terrible human. None of what happened to me, meant a thing. Calvin was the only one who said what is happening to you isn't ok. I never once believed any other person; all they did was blame and shame. Just so heartbreaking.
Of course the first one. I took that one to heart and made it mine. OK I was just some kind of a slut. I have replayed those words in my head millions of times. I was chubby who would want to do that to me. Those words spin in my head, somehow, I took those words and made everything my fault. Like well I was just that disgusting, who would want to rape me. Today those words are more than hard to write. I was that awful of a human, I had to be lying because those things don't happen to girls like me. I can remember a girl was raped around prom. Everyone was so caring and made sure that she was ok, I can remember hearing the care that she got. I was very glad for her but didn't understand why I didn't get that. She got care and help, I got everything that was opposite of that. I literally took that to mean I was that gross and disgusting. It is really hard to even put into words how I internalized that and made it all my fault. I still fight that all these years later.
There was the time that a counselor asked me how long they were there. She kind of laughed and she said that sex didn't take that long. I can remember feeling so small. I can remember trying to make excuses, like well it felt like a really long time. And there was another part of me that wanted to apologize that I didn't look at the clock. I was sorry that I couldn't give her an exact number of minutes that I was being pinned to the floor and raped. I can still hear that laugh. I hear that laugh and I thought to myself what kind of lying piece of shit are you that you don't even know how long he was there. I didn't have an answer for her, and I felt more than guilty. I was 13, these things had been happening since I was 5. So, for me when these things were happening, I was so far away I didn't know what else to do. For her to sit there and laugh and tell me Well it doesn't take that long. How dismissing and hurtful. I was devastated. I just wanted to talk about the things that happened to me, and she was laughing, asking me things that there was no way for me to know. I just wanted to slide out of my chair and go far away. I thought that I had done something terrible.
The next one was the counselor that asked me how many there were. I told him 5 and he never acknowledged me again. Somehow, I felt like I had given him the wrong answer, that somehow that made me even less of a person. I think there was a part of me, that thought ok, maybe I can talk about the things that happened to me. Maybe someone will acknowledge being gang raped for hours that day. As scared as I was, I wanted someone to care enough to ask. I was asked but there was never any concern, there was never, are you? Do you need anything? What can I do to help you through this, there was nothing. Just a strange man sitting in front of me, listening to my father talk about himself, and make what happened to me all about him. Oh, that's right because it didn't matter what I went through I was that strange kid, the loner, who was too quiet and watched the world from the outside. No one took the time to understand the world that I was living in, their silence for me meant that I was the one to blame, I was the one at fault. I was the one that must have brought this on herself. No wonder that 13-year-old girl is terrified of people. The rapes were devastating but how I was treated after was just as devastating to the girl that she was.
There were all the whispers that I was lying and wanted attention. I find that crazy, anyone who knew me knew that attention was the last thing that I wanted in this life, I didn't want attention, I didn't want to be noticed. I just wanted kindness. I wanted not to be hurt. I wanted to feel safe and sound, I wanted someone to care for me, and that just wasn't what I got. I will say this thousands of times. I always wish that I had kept things to myself. It was different when no one knew what happened to me, then they couldn't do anything because they didn't know. Then people did know, and they didn't do anything and it made everything worse now they did know and were blaming me for it. They came up with every excuse that they could to blame and discredit who I was as a person. That part I will never understand. What does a 13-year-old have to gain by telling others that she was raped? Nothing there was nothing to gain I just needed care and understanding. I needed someone to keep me safe.
Of course, again there were the people that said I wasn't showing enough emotion. I am not sure what they were expecting. I cried with Calvin, I cried with the only person who gave a shit that I was hurt. He was the only real genuine hug that I ever got after I told what happened. And they didn't even know all of what I went through, I gave them the pretty version not the brutal truth. I cannot imagine that they would have been able to handle my words if I had said all the things that they did to me. Yet I wasn't showing enough emotion. They didn't understand, and at the same time they didn't want to. They thought I was lying and there is no reason in the world for them not to believe me. Really it wouldn't have made a difference, tears or no tears they would not have done a single thing different it was an excuse to make me look like I was lying and trying to cover something up. That is just heart wrenching no one took the time to see me. I was dying inside under the weight of what happened to me, and it didn't matter.
I felt like everyone time someone talked to me there was an air of disbelief. I withdrew further and further. Why keep reaching out, why ask for what I needed when all the fingers keep pointing back at you. More than one person said Well if this is true. If this is true, I can hear their words first by one of the youth group counselors, and another from a teacher who found a note. Well, if this is true you need to get help. Nice of you to say I have been reaching for help for a time now and no one is stepping up to the plate. I have been trying to get help and instead am being blamed and shamed. The youth group counselor was another one that made it about him. He started with, well if this happened to you and continued to talk about himself and his suicide attempts. I had no one, and there was not a single soul that did anything, that could have done so much.
These things just make me more than angry. I was just a girl literally the most alone that a person could be in the world. All the adults around me that should have done something but didn't and I was left. That is why today at 49, I am still struggling with their words and accusations. I was failed and that is a soul kind of crushing that wares so heavy on me even today. I am trying to see things different; I am trying to take all the knives out of my back but there are some that are so firmly planted, I think it's going to take a miracle. This is so hard. This is so hurtful; my heart feels their intentions after all this time and it's crushing. No more words, there is no amount of typing to take the pain from how that so young innocent girl was treated. I am so sorry; I am so sorry sweet girl.
I heart your heart.
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