Some days

 

I have not had a day like yesterday in a very long time. A day where the darkness made itself at home and refused to see any hope or light.  I am sure it's getting ready to speak, it's thinking about all the things that I haven't put together before. I feel like each time I speak there are more pieces that show themselves and more that fall into place.  Yesterday was the day, yesterday was my day.  I woke up with terrible nightmares, but even waking up didn't help them go away. It's such a weird state, it's almost as if the nightmares somehow come alive.  It's so hard to explain.  The day seemed to drag and I was stuck in the violent world that I went to sleep in.  Lots of being chased, lots of having to fight, lots of hopelessness.  I think that is the part that stuck to me yesterday. The hopelessness of not being able to find any sense of peace, there was no comfort to be had and I found myself stuck in the world, where no one is going to help you and you are left to do it all on your own.   That is not me, I am not a hopeless person in any way, but yesterday I couldn't get ahold of it, it was one of those long awful terrible days.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  Somehow, I thought that sleeping would make the day go by faster, really that just kept things going.  There was no peace anywhere.  I didn't want to read, nothing looked good on TV.  I didn't want to write; I didn't want to do anything.  It was almost like I gave up for the day.  I would get up and then end up sitting in a different spot in the living room like somehow that was going to make things better. 

Despair seems to be the word for Spunky.  It's more than sadness, it's the fact that she was hurt beyond what a person can imagine, and she kept going.  The despair today is that all those things happened and that she never received the care that she deserved. She has been served with a double dose of hell and she is trying to keep her head above water. She is trying to make space for what happened to her and how she was treated by those around her. Yesterday was one of those days where there is no rhyme or reason, there are no answers.  It is just this heavy darkness about all the things that I cannot change and can't forget. I think that this is the hardest that I have ever had to fight in my life.  I am beyond terrified to keep fighting and even more terrified to stop.  Stopping isn't an option for me but days like yesterday, that weigh so heavy are something unimaginable that take their toll.  I am further than I have ever been and hitting places deeper and darker than a person can imagine.   Spunky is in a safe place.  Closer than she has ever been.  Days like yesterday need to be a reminder of just far that I have come and a realization that things will be ok.  I am scared of the work that is ahead of me.  At the same time, I look forward to the day when I can hold my heart and remember the work, without the pain.  When I can gently, put my hand on my heart, grateful that I have come so far and to be in a place where the things that have happened to me are my purpose for helping others. 

I heart your heart.