She needs special care

 

I was talking yesterday, and someone said that it takes so many positives to override a negative and that makes so much sense.  I can remember my mother telling me that once while on one of their marriage encounter weekends, that a comment was made by my father; He was like fuck then I am never going to catch up.  I wonder if there is enough positive in the whole world to help Spunky.  She needs so much, so much care, so much reassurance, so much of everything. She needs a safety that is more than hard to come by.  She needs a certain understanding that I feel is often too much to ask. I am positive that she is going to find some kind of normal for herself, but I think that there are parts of her that were so damaged she is going to spend her lifetime repairing them.  I believe that she will find happy, she will truly be able to smile but there are pieces of her that are always going to be affected.  There are pieces of her that were so deeply wounded that I worry they will forever drain of pain.  There are pieces of her that have been smashed on a soul level that affects anything and everything that she will ever do.  You don't experience the things she has, get treated the way that she was and not come out with damage.  These are the scars of the most brutal kind, that are deep to her very core, and last lifetimes.    

There is a scene in the movie Nell.  One of the officer's wife is having a meld down and she is sitting on the curb lost in her own world.  She is unable to connect and is scared of those that are around her.  Many know her and when they see this is happening, they call her husband.  He shows up and is so gentle so kind. He shows up for her, reassuring her that its ok, he cares for her heart until she is able to collect herself and come back to life.  He has an understanding of what she needs. I feel like Spunky needs something like that, that kind of constant care.

That entire movie is something that Spunky can understand.  Nell had things happen and she reacted to them making her the person that she was.  Spunky has had things happen to her, that has made her the person that she is, and she needs someone to take the time, learn what she is afraid of, and help her overcome it, by letting her be that person. When that happens, I believe Spunky can find that peace that she longs for. She will always have a different understanding of life, of loss, of people of what goes on around her.  Spunky will be different, not less but a different soul because she experiences this life more deeply than you could ever imagine. These things that seem so daunting are the also the same things that make her so incredibly worthy.

There is always a sense that she doesn't belong, like something just isn't quite right. She sees the world differently; she experiences things so differently. She has a different view because of where she has been and the work she has done to get to where she is. Today was a really good day, I went for brunch with my friends from school and this afternoon, the tears are right there and there is no reason.  I cannot think of a single reason to cry and yet here I sit.  These are the times that I more than wish I understood. Spunky feels connection then has this sadness, because of the fear maybe that it isn't real or that it is real and that someday they will decide she is no longer worth their time and effort.  Spunky wants absolutes, and the world just doesn't work like that. 

Today I am working more than hard trying to heal our heart.  It's left such a hole.  What we need is something that a lot of people are unable to give.  It's having to be so careful, so observant all the time.  Being Callahan is exhausting.  I have to be on guard, because this heart is bruised.  Tender and healing, but it has a way to go. If extreme gentleness was a thing, that is what she would need more than anything. There is such a great need for realness, for care, for hope.  I hold an insane amount of hope, that has gotten me through.  For spunky, there is a toughness to her, she had to be, and she has to learn to be more vulnerable, more open and less critical of herself. She still holds so much blame.  In our head we know these things, but ah that is the problem there is always a but.  But I danced with him, But I had butterflies.  But I didn't tell the first time.  But, no one noticed, But I just cleaned up and kept going.  Somehow if I didn't keep going, then someone would have seen how not ok that I was.  I want Spunky to find that place where she can confidently stand, and say I danced with him and was raped.  It wasn't my fault; I was so hurt and am trying to heal my heart and soul. I want spunky to find that place where the only thing that matters is what happened to her.  She could have danced with him naked, and he never had the right to do what he did. So much confusion in her little brain.  She learned so early that she was the cause of all her own hurt, and the gang rape was no different.  If it wasn't her fault, people would have cared, people would have helped; oh people would have helped.  Those things didn't happen.  I am desperately trying to prove to myself and to spunky that what happened mattered.  They didn't win and we are still here standing making a difference doing things different.  We are here, fighting for what we deserve. Fighting for happily ever after. In that fight I am afraid possibly forever, she will have a need for special care.  She needs her heart held a little softer, a little longer with a lot more reassurance.  Maybe, maybe that just has to be ok.  Maybe just maybe the right people will understand and do just that. 

I heart your heart