I think that the most honest and o open that I have ever been was with that pelican when I was 13. I was devastated, I could not be hurt anymore, and I was done with the world. I was so sad, and I didn't want to live. I believed that all the things that had happened to me were what I was good for, and I could not be assaulted and abused another day in my life. I had no idea how I was going to do it; we were one of the top floors. I can remember my grandmother, leaving and going to get some sunscreen from a guy on the beach. I stepped outside on the patio thinking, I can't jump. I didn't want anyone to have to see my bruised and broken body. Even in my own suffering I was worried about what others would think of me. I am pretty sure, my grandmother and I just watched the sun set, taking in the sun and the ocean. We had dinner at a restaurant that was right on the shore. There is something about the ocean that heals, at least it always has for me. the sound of the waves, the song of the birds, the gentleness of walking on the sand. There is a peace like nothing else. This was perfect for my last few days of this life. We got back to the condo that first night, and I spent most of the evening just sitting on the porch taking life in, going over all the things that I couldn't bear to say. I think there was a part of me that wanted to speak to my grandmother, but I was so afraid I would get the same reaction as all the others. I held an emptiness inside that no one ever acknowledged. I went to bed that evening with tears in my eyes, so many words that needed to be said so many tears that needed to fall. I was more than alone and drowning in my own sad. I went to sleep to the sound of the ocean thinking, tomorrow I will make a plan; tomorrow.
That next morning, I got up early, and the first thing I did was go on the porch. I just sat. feeling the breeze, watching the world that was 20 stories down. I wondered about their stories. I wondered what brought all of these people to the beach. We were a little north of Daytona Beach, so things were a little more mellow and a lot quieter. I was in my own world, my mind somewhere else. Then just like that this pelican came and sat on the ledge of the porch. There was an obvious shock, and being the person that I am I said hello. Isn't that the first thing you do when a pelican lands on your balcony? I sat there watching, waiting for him to leave. Everything leaves so I was sure this cool pelican was no different. Only he didn't, He sat there. Watching me, looking out at the ocean. We were these two souls, and somehow there was a connection. I can remember closing the balcony door behind me thinking surely, he is going to fly away but he didn't. He stayed. So, I started talking. I talked about all the things that were in my heart. I talked about everything that I didn't have words for. I cried and cried and cried. And that bird stayed and listened. I poured my heart out, all the things that were killing me inside. He listened to all the things that brought me to this point. All the feelings, all the grief all the shame and hurt. He stayed and listened. The only soul in the world that heard me, besides Calvin.
When he did fly away there was such a release for me, things that no one in my life cared to hear about, that pelican was there. The words that I didn't have, he heard. Even in the moments words weren't clear and didn't make sense, at least they weren't inside anymore. Then I went inside and fell asleep. There was a kind of relief that I can't explain. When things happen like what happened to me, and all anyone does is point fingers, I learned so quickly not to speak about them because no one wants to hear those words. No one believes you, so you blame yourself. What happened to me didn't matter but it was killing me, and I didn't understand why people didn't see that. I guess that is why I wasn't going home. The only one who listened and heard me was that pelican that chose my balcony and chose to stay. Animals were the constant in my life; they don't hurt you and they listen.
I am not sure that I have ever written about this before. I sit here with goosebumps, the only comfort that I had was this beautiful bird. I was able if only for a short time to let the walls down. He flew away and I was grateful and exhausted. I don't even have words for everything that I felt, but I was so very grateful. My poor grandmother, she was trying so hard to make this trip most amazing. I wonder if she ever knew what happened to me. If she did, she never talked about it. If she did, she never spoke a word to me. I am thinking that my mother must have talked to her about my rape. Not once was it ever mentioned, even she wasn't able to face my pain. I have never thought about that before. I tried to be nice and normal, but I was falling apart from the inside out. There was nothing normal about my life and what I had survived. I was fighting for life, she wanted me to be a carefree kid. She had no idea that carefree girl was long gone. She had these grand plans for this trip, all I wanted was a peaceful place to leave this earth. She made plans and each day was full of theme parks and all the extra's. I was just dealing with so much; it was hard to connect with her and enjoy those places when your heart is so heavy.
The next day once again my morning started on the balcony, still no plan. Before I knew it, once again that bird was there. I have no way of knowing if it was the same pelican, I like to think that it was. I have no way of knowing how often that pelican's land on balconies, but he felt like a long-lost friend. I was grateful. And each morning there were more tears, more words. I know that I spoke about what happened to me for the first time. I am sure I didn't have all the correct words, but I was able to speak, and he was there to listen.
That is how my week went in Florida. Each day, the need to die was becoming less of a priority. I looked forward to him showing up. Then we went to Sea World. I can say I will never go to that place ever again. I don't ever condone whales in captivity but this trip to Florida saved my life. We went there and took a behind the scenes tour. We were able to get up close with all the animals. I felt alive for the first time in a very long time. People were terrible, but animals were kind, they listened, and they would never hurt you. At the end of the tour, you get to see the whales. So, we were all standing there by the pool, and that whale she was right there, and I met her eyes. It's hard to explain. I was unable to connect with anything in such a long time. I had a connection with that pelican on the balcony, then with that whale. I just so lightly reached my hand and touched her nose. It was a moment that I can not explain any other way than pure magic. The tour guide was a bit, concerned, yelling telling me to step back. but I felt a connection that I hadn't felt in a very long time. The thought was there to just jump in, just to be close, to give her a hug but I wasn't totally crazy. Those few seconds, changed everything.
So the rest of the trip there was less of a need to make a plan and my need to fight became more real. I wanted to make a difference, and I wasn't going to let them win. So the rest of the trip I spent, talking to that pelican each morning, crying, feeling. Talking about all the things that had happened to me. I was able to talk about Bella for the very first time. I even bought these little glass whales; it was a mom and a baby that I still have on the shelf next to me. I tried to be the kid that my grandmother needed me to be. Each morning I was a little girl that had lost her baby and suffered so much at the hands of men that crushed parts of her soul.
That week was more than surreal in so many ways. I left for Florida not planning to come home. Life had other plans. That pelican showing up for me saved my life. That connection with that whale, made me want more and made me believe that there was good in the world. I am forever grateful to that pelican for showing up for being there. When I felt most alone in the world, I was comforted by that bird each and every morning. I am sure it was years later when the weight of what that pelican meant hit me. If it weren't for that bird, I wouldn't be where I am today. That is something amazing and I am grateful. I was able to find meaning in that whale and was going to focus all my energy on the things that kept me going.
I heart your heart.
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