So official

 

I have knots in my stomach.  I thought that there would be a piece of me that was proud, that was excited.  The only feeling that I can come up with right now is that I am terrified.  I see ugly, I see unqualified, I see this girl who is everything but blending into the background and that is something I don't know what to do with really. I am a background girl; I am the one that should sit down and be quiet. There is a piece of me that is really sad.  I want to share this and get on the phone and tell everybody.  There is a part of me that wants to scream from every rooftop.   I am just sitting her in this state with feelings that I can't explain, there is a part of me that wants to share it with the world.  Like look how far that this Callahan has come.  On the other hand, I want to take it down and hide.  I kind of feel like the cat that ate the canary and I have feathers hanging out of my mouth. There is a part of me that feels like i have done something terrible and I am not entirely sure why.  I want to feel proud of myself for coming as far as I have but I can't find the proud in this moment. 

I feel like this is the beginning of a path, that I need to be on and that there is no looking back now.  I will never stop speaking for others, I will never stop trying to make a difference. Survivors deserve more and I am going to fight until they get more of what is deserved. 

I reached out to a few people, just wanting to share. I want to hide in the corner shaking in my bones and I want to scream from the rooftops you didn't win.  All in the same breath

I reached out to my Grad School friends, and I can tell you there was all kinds of ugly crying.  They all were excited for me, they all wanted to know how to get tickets, just so supportive and I am not sure that they understand what that meant for me.  I am truly grateful, and I hope these women will be around for a very long time. 

Lots to process and figure out all that I am feeling.  I want to lean into the feelings of being proud, and knowing that I will make a difference. Just going to take some time.  I have to remind myself that I am doing nothing wrong in speaking.  

I heart your heart