When the days are long

 

Today is one of those days that I would just like it to end. The seconds feel like hours, and the minutes feel like years.  There is nothing particular that is going on, but time is dragging, and my heart is heavy. I just wish that there were people around for me.  I wish that I wasn't alone in this big house, with my thoughts and a list of all the chores that I need to get done.  Laundry is going, dinner is thawing. There have been random tears, and I don't even know why.  So many feelings that I am not sure I can name but they are all here causing havoc. I would love to have someone just sitting on the couch watching a movie, someone to talk to and share.  Today just seems exceptionally lonely and there is still a long time before Mariska gets off work. 

I think that part of the problem is being seen.  There is a terror in that, that is hard to describe.  My entire life it has been about trying to fade into the background, and being a presenter at the conference, in a way feels like I am being pushed from behind the curtain and I am a deer in headlights.  I want this more than words, to be able to help other survivors at the same time there is a toll on me.  That makes me very nervous, I want to do this for a long time, I want to be an advocate for people to do things differently. I almost have to do a good job, because failing just isn't an option.  I don't know how to take care of myself in this process. I need people, I need others and that is a realization that I don't really like. Like I can't keep fighting for others and not have someone fighting for me.  I am not sure if that makes sense.  I need someone that is going to check on me, reach out, listen and hold me tight when I am running on automatic and need a break.  But that is quite the task, and not fair to ask of anyone really. 

I am so excited to be speaking and terrified all in the same breath.  I still hear those that were so unkind, their words blaming me and telling me I was a liar. I am working to change those things but its more than hard. Their voices are so clear and ever present. I am going through the presentation, wanting to say all the right words wanting them so badly to understand and to do things better for their clients.  I have to go in there believing that the right words will come for exactly the right people.  I have to believe that. As hard as it is to speak, it is also more than healing.  My heart feels heard.  I truly believe that if someone is going to attend a conference like this, they are there for a reason.  I think part of me wants to speak for selfish reasons as well.  It's a way for that 13-year-old to feel heard, to be believed and cared for.  I am not sure that makes sense, really.  I want others to understand and in that comes my own healing. 

I am right in the middle of all that terrifies that 13-year-old spunky girl and attention is something to be terrified of. Attention gets you hurt; attention gets you raped. My mind struggles to separate the two.  And here I am speaking being the center of attention and there are so many alarms going off in my brain, and yet the drive to want to speak and shine the light on all the awful is so intense.  That 13 year old just wanted this quiet kind of peace, and she never got that.  I do believe that she is fragile, she needs a special kind of care and I have to make sure that she gets it. 

Right now, it seems there is so much time to focus on myself and figure out what I am feeling and what I can do about it.  Even the other night, there are just so many emotions.  Dinner was finished everything was all cleaned and we went to sit on the couch and watch some stupid show on TV. My first thought was well I am hungry I need something to eat.  I think this was the first realization ever that no you aren't hungry you just have all of these emotions inside that are dying to be understood.  It was the entire conversation going on in my head.  Like you aren't hungry you just have a lot of feelings.  I guess on one hand that is an important realization.  On the other hand, there is a terror because there are so many feelings, and they are that big.  I realized it and sitting there for that 30 minutes or so I lost count of the number of times that my automatic thoughts was ok well you are just hungry.  That is a really hard one.  I wonder how many times that I do that in a day.  

The feeling of being alone is hard, because I don't want to be on my own anymore.  I don't want to live this life and how I experience in a bubble and not share how and why that I see things the way that I do.  There are so many things that I want to share with people.  It's so much more than well that would be nice.  It is becoming something that I need and that feels so different for me.  I am stepping out of my comfort zone more and more, doing things different. I don't know and then there are days like this when I would like to wiggle my nose, and everything just fall into place.  Fine if there is always going to a certain sad, fine I will deal with that.  Maybe days like this are just a part of the process.  Maybe just give me some room, tomorrow is another day and I can only hope that time won't be an issue and will flow as the days do. 

I heart your heart.