Sometimes a dread

 

I was fine, I was fine until all of the sudden I wasn't.  It seems that there is a certain weight in it being Fathers Day that I was not at all prepared for this year.  That's how it happens anyway, things hit out of nowhere with no rhyme or reason.  I guess this is just the year for it.  I feel the dread in the pit of my stomach.  All the sappy fathers day posts, and everyone talking about the good dads.  I will be alone with out a dad because I had a monster of a father, that I m not sure ever really loved me.  I was watching a series on TV today and the father apologized to his daughter and she rested her head on him a certain safety that I have never known.  Sometimes those things don't bother me at all, today it did.  It would be nice every now and then, just to have a soft place to lay your head and have a person who makes you feel like all is well with the world.  So this year there is a dread, an ache a hole and I cant explain it, all I can do it sit with it, and hope that it will pass quickly. 

I never had that feeling with a dad, someone who unconditionally loved me just because.  I never had safe arms to fall into, or kind words that cared for my heart. There was never one single person that I could go to and know that I was going to be taken care of. 

I was thinking this morning and I think a part of it is the sadness.  People are with their families on these special days.  People are having dinners, and and lunches and it's about fathers day but it's about families being together.  And special days become reminders of the things that I don't have and sometimes that is just really heavy. No one will even check on me, no one will check in and ask how's your heart today ? Are you doing ok.  I would never say yes, but someone asking would mean the world. Someone just caring about my heart, would do more than anyone understands. 

My sweet Mariska came home last night with flowers and gifts for me today.  My so sweet girl, so I hope that I can rest in that and know that she sees me and knows how hard that I work for her being a single mom.  I wonder if she ever gets sad because even for her fathers day is something she doesn't get to experience.  I am just going to take today. I am going to write, practice my presentation and be oh so gentle with myself. Toda is just a day and because it's a rough day doesn't mean I am going backwards it just means that it is a rough day. And  I am going to do whatever necessary to keep my head above water. 

I heart your heart.