Something has been broken

 

There were parts of me terribly broken after the gang rape.  I never cried after people knew what happened to me.  That Tuesday night that I told, there were only a few tears with Calvin because I was terrified. Terrified that I didn't have words, of what they would think of me.  There was nothing inside, just huge holes of all the things that were destroyed in me. Parts of me died, that day.  I was just gone in a place far far away.  No one cared for me so why bother coming back.  Where I was; was far safer than the world that I lived in. I knew by everyone's reactions, how they treated me that they saw something disgusting. I became a monster of the worst kind.  I was not the young girl who had been brutalized. I was the girl who just was looking for attention.  I heard their every word, every accusation.  I was blamed, fingers were pointed, and I was to blame.  I mean I was the chubby unpopular girl no one would want to rape me. I learned my place very quickly. No one could handle what happened to me.  No one wanted to see or know, how I was treated.  I was just a dumb girl that asked for it. 

The things that no one saw.  The bruises, the marks, I was so good at hiding.  Fingermarks on my arms and legs. My legs, my entire body were black in places, ugly shades of blue and purple.  So much pain. It's amazing the things that a person can continue to breathe through.  My ribs, hurt, sitting was painful laying was painful.  There was not a single thing for days and weeks, that didn't hurt. Everything was a constant reminder of what they did.  It wasn't that no one saw.  No one chose to see me; they chose to look the other way.  Breathing often hurt, I couldn't take a deep breathe. I would be in pain and wonder how the world around me kept going.  All I wanted to do was scream for it to stop.  Someone to notice that I wasn't ok. All the pictures replay, and I don't know what to do, whether my eyes are open or closed they are there.  Things happened to me that I don't have words for.  Often it feels frozen, I can't cry I can't feel it's just there, a devastating story.  Only it's my story and I would give almost anything, for it not to be. It's more than hard to explain when broken moments are frozen in time.

Something broke in me that day. Something broke that I don't even have words for. That is why I say she will find happy but there are pieces of her that are just not repairable.  She has seen the worst that the world has to offer and that changes a person. That changes so much about a person.  I will fight for her happy, I will fight for the kindnesses in life that she deserves, but there will always be those jagged hurtful edges, that are there.  I hope in time they will become dull and not hurt so much.  I have to hope that this won't always be so painful, but there are some things that just can't be fixed. I will never stop fighting, I will never stop trying to find the best of life for her.  Sometimes it's just too much and no amount of perfect can fix her broken. 

I heart your heart.