Moved into history

 

Moved into history and not in the here and now. Lightbulb moment. I was watching one of my favorite shows, Couples Therapy and the therapist said you have moved those moments into history and not the here and now.  One of the most heartfelt lines I have heard in some time.  I want that.  I want that more than anything. I want to feel safe in this world.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin, I want to be able to feel pretty and that be ok.  Maybe I am far from those things, but I want them. I want what happened to me to be history and not a part of my every day. Today in this moment there are many things that are here and now that are breaking my heart. I have spent the day my mind switching between numb and overactive.  I have done much of nothing all day.  Naps and feeling, thoughts racing then another nap.  I think I cried myself out earlier in the week, and there should not be any tears left.  There are so many things that I am more than ashamed of and letting them out in the world there is this great relief, and such an intense sadness.  Things that should never have to be spoken.  Things that I never remember not knowing.  I knew way too much before I should have and there is an ache that comes with that. 

I am just tired; my body is tired of feeling it all.  I am tired of thinking that I smell them, I am tired of feeling the ache in my bones from the things that they did to me.  That is one part that I will never understand.  That all this time later, there are moments when I get a flash and it's like they are hurting me.  Moments that I can feel their hands, or the moment that out of nowhere, I get that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach turn after turn.  Those are the things that I just want to put to rest.  I don't want to physically feel all that I do anymore, and I don't know how to stop it. At 49 I should no longer be feeling the things that happened to me.  Even talking about it, my heart aches.  There is this panic pain in my heart.  

I feel like I have worked so hard to get to where I am and still there are moments that cut to my core.  Still there are moments that take my breath away and hurt like it's the first time I have ever looked at them.  That is so difficult when I am doing everything in my power to move on and create the life that I want. I am at a place where all good things are happening, I am finally on that right path, and yet I feel that at times the past has placed these huge roadblocks in my way. I always overcome them, that is what I do, I look forward for them not to be roadblocks but little hills that I can overcome quietly, and just shrug my shoulders. A little blip in the radar but nothing that I can't handle. 

I think that the more that I speak and talk about the little things that matter to me, there is a peace that is becoming more constant. There is such a need to get it out all.  All the little corners of pain that have gone unnoticed for so long.  Those are the things that I need to work on.  Those are the places that are holding me back. I feel like a broken record lately, speaking about the same things over and over like somehow at just the right time there is going to be that ah-ha moment and I won't have to talk about them anymore.  The things people said, well sex doesn't take that long.  I was the chubby unpopular kid those are two that I can't seem to run from lately.  I get stuck on how I was treated.  I was one who fell through the cracks on so many levels and sometimes that is more than overwhelming. That scares me because I know how I have repeated things in the past.  Each time i say them there is a realization for me, yes, they happened, and they really hurt. What happened to me mattered and everyone spent so much energy trying to make me believe that it didn't. What happened to me mattered, I mattered, and I am trying so hard to believe that.

I just want the things that happened to spunky to be part of the past.  I don't want those things to be the things that are holding her back and keeping her stuck.  I do think that the more that I speak the closer that she is, it's just so hard.  There are days when it feels like it was yesterday.  There are so many words that I still don't have that I am desperately searching for. 

 I think that's why things like the conference are so important to me.  It brings a part of me to life, it feels empowering to share and help others learn ways to help survivors like me. In many aspects it's too late for me but I can prevent someone else from suffering. There is such a need to explain what I went through so that not a single person who knows me will ever treat, a client, a survivor the same ways that i was treated. 

I have worked on all of this for the longest time and I look forward to good things ahead.  I do feel like often my past drags me down and makes things difficult.  I want there to come a day when I can wake up and say no, not today.  Today is my day and not one single piece of the past is going to impact where I am.

I wish these words were clearer, I wish that my body didn't feel the things that happened to me.  I hope that someday that will go away, without even the words.  I am not sure that there are words for everything and somewhere in my heart that has to be ok.  It's so much less about what happened to me and more about how I feel.  How what they did made me feel. It was so bad that I wanted to die. So many thoughts and feelings that I can't explain that words just aren't the appropriate response.  I am working as hard as I can though, trying to at least give a voice to the things that are ready.  Soon, so soon I hope that spunky can feel safe enough and know, that she has every right to come in that room and sit on that couch and share, and cry and talk about all the things that were stolen from her.  Her world was unimaginable, and I am trying to do everything I know to give her some rest some peace and maybe even some happiness.  I want that for her, and I think that she wants it too, she is just more than afraid. As always, I keep fighting so that one of these days, we can truly breathe easy in our own skin.  No memories of hurt and pain, just a gentle breeze of where we have been and just far that we have come. 

I heart your heart