More than Hurt

 

I use the word  hurt because it's easier, because it paints a prettier picture.  But maybe I need to stop using that word.  I get angry that there isn't an acknowledgment of what happened to me but I am doing the same.  I say when I was hurt, I am scared of being hurt again but it's much more than that. I am learning that if she is ever going to enter the room and be with me, be present I am going to have to acknowledge that it was so much more than being hurt. I am terrified, I am afraid that talking about it will be some kind of reliving and that freezes me.  It's happened so calling it by any other name doesn't change that, doesn't make it any prettier or easier to deal with. I found this saying and it is more than perfect.  When I can acknowledge, it like Spunky maybe that is the key to her sitting beside me on the couch.  She deserves someone who  can validate and reassure her that she didn't do anything wrong. There is no making what happened to her pretty, and "nice". It was violent and devastating and came as close to killing a person as you can get with out stopping their breathe. Spunky very easily could have given up and died but she didn't. 

She kept fighting, she kept breathing when every cell in her little body wanted to go away forever. I don't know what this is going to look like, what is next but I know that she deserves to feel safe, she deserves to be heard, and acknowledged. I have to admit there is a part of me that is terrified of the girl that she is .  Brave strong and so true.  That saying pain deserves to be felt.  Maybe this is her time, no more hiding, no more pretending that she isn't so fragile.  She is fragile, as strong as she is there is also a fragileness about her, and that is what must be honored. She has had to fight for so long, and it's time to rest. She has lost so much, and has every right to be sad, to feel devastated and to be heard. Oh this picture, she is learning that she doesn't have to be so strong, have it al figured out.  She was living in a world she never should have had to live in. She is angry for what she knows and what she could never have known. She has every right to cry the rest of her life if that is what she needed to do.  I don't believe she will do that, she wants nothing more than to move beyond where she is, to find that place where she can genuinely smile.  She, her, Me we are all working so hard to come together and heal all of our broken parts. I feel her close, I feel her letting her guard down.  That terrifies me.  I need to remember I am her and she is me.  I am that scared girl that survived, and I didn't let them win. 

No they didn't hurt me, like a skinned knee, they raped me for hours.  Hour after hour turn after turn.  They laughed at me, they made fun of me, they were the worst kind of evil that a person can experience. And I am here today and I lived through it.  I was gang raped by those 5 men and it destroyed parts of me that I can never get back.  It destroyed so many parts. I know that there are some things, I will never get back but there are also parts that I can take back.  What happened to us made us different fragile but we still have worth.  We are not less than and I want to believe that with all that I am. I have worth even with what happened to me.  That spunky girl deserves every kindness in life.  That spunky girl has every right, to take up space, to be believed and to be cared for.  I am working so very hard to get us there. 

I was raped by Don, I was gang raped by the 5 of them, yes even the last time Don came, I laid down, but I was still so hurt and i knew he was going to get what he wanted. I lost my baby Bella and I have every right, to be sad, to miss the life I should have had.  I have every right to be angry that no one helped me give me words to get what happened to me out.  I deserved to have things explained to me, and to understand what had happened to me.  I deserved those things then and I have to fight to give them to spunky now.  No there are things we will never have answers for, I am ok with that, even with out the answers, I have a right to talk about it.  I am not sure how, but I have to learn to just open my mouth and let it come, we don't have to live in silence. 

Yes, more than hurt, that is the first step.  She is close and deserves to be heard, deserves to be cared for and deserves to take up space, be acknowledged even in all the things that don't have answers. I have to realize, that I don't have to be so strong, and have all the answers for the things I don't understand. There is no way to make the rapes pretty to make loosing Bella anything other than what they are.  Devastating and tragic.  But here I am. Step by step on my way, Soon Spunky will not be less than, or something other but just another healed part of me. 

I heart your heart.