There is no pill for this

You know the wizard of OZ when Dorothy is talking to the wizard, and she says, oh there is nothing for me in that bag.  Yea its like that there is no heart that someone can give me, there are no magic words, there is nothing in the world that is going to be able to make the pictures in my head go away.  There is no magic pill to take the flashbacks and images away, Nothing. There are things I can try EMDR  , which is a way for my brain to try and process the things I see differently. To try to get my brain to understand that the danger is over, that I am safe now.  The problem with that is that its expensive and finding someone who does this is difficult.  I am tired of people telling me that I just need to let it go,  believe me if it were that easy, I would have let go a very long time ago.  There are things that I just don't understand and as hard as I have fought, I feel like I should be ok, but the things that have happened are in my bones literally  they have a grasp on me, that is what PTSD is.  Its not that I am unwilling to let go , and I wish that there was a way for me to explain this to people.  How I am the things that I am afraid of, the why of some of the things that I do.  People don't understand and that is more than frustrating.  I keep everything together do everything that I am supposed to and the pictures play over and over.  The triggers are everywhere at times, songs, smells, feelings, and I never know when they are going to come. Sometimes I sit with them hoping there is going to be some kind of answer, I should know by now that there are no answers, but I keep trying.There is nothing to take the pictures the memories in my head, NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING.

People have said I just need to be more social,  that is going to fix everything.  It is not.  I understand that I often stay back and stay away from people. Part of that is just who I am.  People have been dangerous my entire life.  And I hear people say less than 5 % of people are actually dangerous, I hear that but for me its the opposite, in my own experience,  its the other 95% that is dangerous and its that 5 percent that I can trust, because that is my experience in life.  That is my experience, and that doesn't just go away,  I am trying working hard but its more difficult than you can possibly imagine!   People have said, well I just made the decision , to be different.  That is great and I am glad that it worked for you, being social causing more anxiety than you can imagine, that is not what will work for me.  I do need to get out more, be involved, its finding something that I am passionate about here around me.  Protecting others, whales I just have to find the right place.I just don't know what that is.  I have these connections but they are far away,  again like dorothy maybe I need a few trips to oz, maybe then I can find what I am looking for.

I do not want others to fix me,  I don't want someone feeling sorry for me, I want  someone to understand my wierdness and embrace it. I want someone to try to understand and see where I am coming from and not call me crazy or think its stupid.  I know that I often push people away but I need them to keep on me, ask the hard questions, don't let me off the hook.  I know I am hard to like and even harder to love,  I need people to follow thru and know if I ask for something, it has taken me months to ask and please don't forget or ignore, because I won't ask again.  I felt like a huge pest my entire life, and I will not keep asking.  I understand people are busy and have their own life,  here I need some extra understanding.  It takes a whole lot for me to ask for help,  you need to know that.  I have said for some time,  I need someone there walking beside me,  being a constant not leaving,  and yes there are times like right now, that I might need to be carried no matter how wonderful that things look on the outside, my insides, well that is another story.  

I heart your heart.

Three things I believe a person must do in Life

I found this book that talks about three things that a person must do in life.  And it was the third that made me think the most. You must do something to make the world more Beautiful.  And I think its not about money or anything else its about your heart.  What can you share with your heart to make things more beautiful not only for yourself but those that we are around each and every day. Everyday my heart hurts and everyday I walk into work smiling, I am there for my kids that I teach and for my own children .  I love every little milestone, every little accomplishment every little everything.  All those things make a person feel amazing that you are making a difference for that one student, I always want them to know that  they are seen and heard and oh so loved.

I can remember teachers that did that  and then there were those that didn't.  I remember that teacher in sixth grade that took my hand in the hall and asked how I was.  I don't remember her name but I remember that I felt important.  My first reaction was to take my hand away, did she really want to do that, but I didn't and I still remember that moment.Such a simple moment that meant so much. I see it like I was walking behind them just watching. Yea those moments.  I can remember the moment when the kids were infants just a few months old.  We were in the grocery store and I had forgotten my wallet.  So I was going to have to take them home get it and then come back and the woman behind said no I will pay for it,  and she payed for my groceries.  She said that she knew what it was like with little ones, and said her pleasure.  I think about her often,  and I wish that I was able to tell her just how awesome that was.

I can remember a time going to school in Denton there was a man with no shoes on, he was walking on crutches, and there was something inside that wanted to help  and I had nothing at the time but I went to turn around and was going to give him my shoes, at least he would have had something on his feet, but he was gone just like that.

There was a woman in front of us at Wal-Mart she was comparison shopping,  and a few of the things that she had picked up didn't match and she had the checker put them aside.  When it was my turn,  I said please put those things with my stuff, and she said she didn't pay for them I said I know I am going to pay for them and bring them to her.  So Vincent ran out to the car and said happy Friday, here are your things.  There were times I can remember doing that, and putting things back.  Its in the simplest things a bag of cheetos and some juice, it made me cry that I could do that for her.  She didn't know me, I was more than excited, and I hope she enjoyed them. There are little moments that I have experienced in life that have changed so very many things,  being able to get movers, having furniture for my house,  so many little things that really aren't little at all.

Since growing up there were not those little kindnesses, so today I notice them all.  I notice everything.   All the little things that are done, the little gestures, the little things that make life easier.  I also notice when people stop doing those little things, even if its something as small as a happy birthday on Facebook,  yes its stupid,but I notice, oh how I notice.  I think I just know how those things feel being judged, forgotten and overlooked and I want to make sure that others don't have to Feel that way.  I want to make sure that people are heard and seen and understood and cared for and loved.  So many people get busy, and they forget those little things but oh for someone like me, we don't forget, we can't because we know its like to be forgotten.  We know what is like and we want to do everything to make sure that others don't feel that. Its those little things that matter that can make a persons entire day , just by a little acknowledgement. Just by a little smile, a little note to let them know that you care.  

1. Always practice kindness it CHANGES EVERYTHING

2. Listen listen with your whole heart. People will tell you what they need, what you can do but you have to listen

3.  Make the world more BEAUTIFUL, always always

Lately writing has been rough, there are so many things to say, and I don't have a clue how to say them. I am ina place between everything and nothing. I write a little then close the blog open it delete it start another and that is how things have gone.  Not sure if its the time of year or this season but my heart aches.  I think that hanging on to this is going to make a difference no matter what , no matter what you face or how you feel always do something to make the world more beautiful. Always do something more kind, ALWayS <3 Always do that thing to make a difference in the lives of the people around you.

I heart your heart

Everything and nothing

I would like to know how a person does it how do you survive, how do you get over it how do you go on always remembering, always feeling their hands, always always seeing the pictures in your head.  I spend my life fighting, trying to recover to get better and some days it truly feels worthless, because nothing I do is going to make it go away. Is it better than it was a few years ago absolutely but at times like this when little rest full sleep is had and there seems to be triggers no matter which way that you look it is more than hard and its a place that most people can not explain, that I can not explain  so what does a person do ? What does a person do when they are stuck in the in between.  When they do not feel heard or understood.  When their experience is in a book, when its so much more complicated than that.  It's more than just standing up straight and being OK, its more than just get out there and meet people, its so much more than that , so much more !!!

Because it puts you in a place that you really can not talk about what you think and feel because others will not understand and would totally think that you are insane.  So what does a person do ?  IN these moments I realize just how alone that a person can be .  I fight because that is what I know how to do.  You fight you keep going.  I am just not so ok right now, and I desperately want to be.  People expect me to be under all the things that I feel and with my life being a single mom, I can't crumble under all that is going on , I can't just curl up in a ball but believe me I would love to, there are days when really that is all I truly want to do. And yet I can't.  I can not stop, But this picture this picture says it all what its like carrying around all the things that I have seen and experienced in my lifetime.  I carry each picture, each memory,  and right now its crushing.  I am trying to be strong, to be fight, to be prepared, but I am not sure that I am really.

I am at a place where everything is ok on the outside, but nothing is ok on the inside.  And I feel it getting worse.  And I am not sure that people understand really, they see the me that smiles and does everything that I need to, but in those moments when it's me, I am a mess and am more than sad.  It's not dwelling because I keep going keep fighting keep doing things trying to get better, trying to understand where I am, and I just don't.

People tell me that God will take care of me.  And truly that makes me angry, I have cried out to him, and I hear nothing back, and I am left in this alone sad place.  I have asked for someone to stay, to help and yet I am still on my own.  No, I don't believe that even God can fix me.  I am grateful for the things that he has given, but maybe this part I have to do on my own.

I don't have a clue what to do now.  Everything is fine I have a job I love; I have a house, I have enough money for my bills, a car that works I have amazing awesome kids and there is a sad, there is something that I can't put words to, there is something that wants to pull away from everyone because really what's the point?  People want me being more social getting out there and I am dragging my heels oh sure get attached and they are going to leave.  I know that is a part of life, that leaving is just a fact people leave all the time but me and my life I need someone to stay, and My insides don't feel like I can handle any more leaving right now.

I am in this everything and nothing place and its more than frustrating, and I don't think people understand and I want that more than anything.  I want someone to understand, to get it and I want someone to push to challenge but that needs to come from a place of understanding.


Right now, from the outside everything looks perfect, everything should be ok, on the inside I am falling apart. Its all-old stuff and some things I know, and I know how to handle them, but it hurts.   There are feelings I can't explain, and even more feelings that I don't even know what they are.  SO right now, I am stuck between, everything and nothing.  I think of the nothing from the never-ending story and that is where I am I am hoping that the DR on Thursday can hear me and is able to make a difference, oh I hope so, because all that I have in this moment isn't enough.

I heart your heart

I don't want her to ask anymore

A few days ago  it hit me and today it feels different than it ever has before. Since I can remember I have been upset that my mother has never asked about the things that have happened to me, what was done, who they were and why.  I mean I am 40, just weeks from 41 and today it hit me harder than it ever has.

I don't want her to ask what happened to me anymore.

I am not sure when my views came to change.  Maybe I am just getting older, maybe its just time, maybe I don't even have a single clue  .  For some weeks, months even my mom has been trying, she is working on our relationship and it feels good; I am scared, but there is a peace at the same time.  I am Scared that once again I am going to be crushed but right now its what I have.  She is truly trying.  And I am truly grateful.

Given the past between the two of us any relationship is more than difficult; things that have been said that have been sharper then knives.  Things that have been said that I hear in my head like they were said yesterday.  But that voice is getting quieter, its still there but its different. Its a kinder, less harsh voice.  I used to want her to ask, to know the things that I lived through, to know why I was so freaking different, why I was always so afraid,  why I was the way that I was.  I wanted her to know and to understand.  I do think there are pieces she could heal in my heart, but at a cost that is just too great.  A cost that truly isn't worth it.  I am learning that as much as I long for people to truly understand the life that I have lived, its my story, I have walked it, and there is no humanly possible way for others to completely understand,  IT JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE.   Because if you haven't lived it you just don't know, words mean nothing; its just so much deeper than any words could explain.  The hurt, the betrayal, the shame all of it.

There is still a great need to be heard for people to do things different but with my mother there is a feeling like I have never known before.  I can't even put my finger on it, or give it a name really.  Is it forgiveness ?  I don't know, but I know that I can't go back.  I know that when we couldn't leave our room even for dinner she was there with dinner, or to take us out to eat.  When there was no one for the move, she stepped up.  I felt like she was fighting for us and it felt good.

I can not imagine the things that she feels in her heart for all the things that have happened, I can only imagine the things that I would feel.  And its purely terrifying.   I know that I am doing things different and been all the things that I never had to my own children.  There is still a great deal of hurt and I am sure that there will be a time and place to have some of those rough conversations but not right now.  Maybe never, because there is nothing we can do to go back and change things. We can only be here together now.

Now is the time to sit in the things that truly matter, to sit in the here and now and be grateful for the time, the company, the love of my mom.  It feels like its been forever since I had a mom and it feels good.  I fell like she is trying, she is learning about the person that I am today.

There was a point when someone asked if I was ready to say goodbye and be done and I was and I was at peace with that.  And I had to get to that point to get to where I find myself today.    There are pieces of me that I am not ready to share, pieces of my heart that are entirely too fragile to let her see, but its a work in progress.  We are both growing and learning. I think we have a long way to go but I also think we are exactly where we need to be.

My mom, I heart your heart.  

Not Funny

Lately its the laughing that is getting to me.  I have been laughed at my entire life.  For being who I was, for being afraid, for not giving the correct response, for over-reacting to things that people cant even begin to understand.  People have laughed at my fear, laughed at my need to be alone, laughed at me for being the person that I am.  I am laughed at for my love of whales. I have been a joke to people my entire life.

Of coarse things started as a little girl.  My wants and needs were never important.  If I wanted or needing something I was the brunt of the jokes.  My body always brought laughter and jokes, from as far as I can remember.  My father would scare us and think it was hysterical,  the kind of scared that makes your heart beat a million miles an hour and your life flashes.    I was terrified of the dark, he was the often the monster in the dark yet I was shamed for wanting to sleep with the light on.  That one became a nightly battle, I would get little sleep, waiting for the house to be quiet, turning the light on, only to have him turn it off, then again I would wait turning it on. And it went on every night between the terror of the rapes. The light was the only little bit of comfort, that I could bring to myself in a house of insane.   Terror in the everyday and I was laughed at.

IN school, I was always the quiet different kid.  I was always in another world,  some place far away and I was made fun of.  I would watch, oh I watched everything, trying to figure out my place.  I had a place in Mr.Haley's class.  He was a bit strange and he had the passion to teach that was more than amazing, his was one class I didn't feel so different in.  He had animals and I could at least connect with them i his room.  He allowed me to use my creativity as a tool instead of something that was looked down on.   Fifth grade, that same year I was the brunt of many jokes especially a girl named Lyndee, she was cruel.  By today's standard I was bullied,  oh was I bullied.  I can remember wearing these terry cloth shorts.  Oh my goodness I loved them, they were orange and super comfy, I was comfortable in them until I was told that they were more than hideous and became the laughing stalk of my class.  That same year was the time that the skies ere black, from the storm of the year and my father came into class dumping out my entire desk, in front of my class, telling me that I was going to start turning in my homework.  He stood there screaming and yelling at me,  the snickers could be heard and I felt smaller than small.    The teacher never said a word never stood up for me.  He was done and left the portable,  I was left in a class of my peers to clean up the mess.

Things never really got better, I was pushed into the youth group at church, and was just too young. Middle school is so young, and I was placed in the high school group.  I was often laughed at I was self conscience about everything.  I mean EVERYTHING.  What I wore what I looked like, what other people thought, everything from what I ate, the kind of food , all of it,  Not one thing that I did wasn't affected.  Once my mother was over a friends and she didn't really drink but this night she came to get something and I remember her laughing right in my face.  And that feeling, someone laughing in your face, thinking they are funny, my heart sank.  I didn't understand what was so funny.  I reply that scenario play by play and it was just awful.

Later when the house was broken into, and the gang rape happened oh the laughing , it was the worst ind of soul crushing laughter that you can imagine .  Like the 13 years leading up to that weren't awful enough, they laughed at my cries and thought I was funny.  The evil in that house,  how they would take turns and laugh, like I was nothing.  They made me the joke, and there wasn't a think that I could do.

I turned to whales and that was a joke in itself.  I was always different and my love of whales didn't help that. They were my everything they took care of each other.  They were these magnificent beings that were nothing but kind.  They had my heart.  And it was a joke,  I was laughed at, made fun of, my passions wasn't nurtured or  nursed along it was seen as yet something else that made me different that made me a target.

High school was more of the same.  I lived watching the world trying not to be pest not to rock any boats and make anyone notice.  Things at home were the same, I was seen as a joke things I thought, things I did were not important.  I was laughed at, behind my back in front of my face.  It was something that I expected really, that was just the way that it was.

Fast forward to adulthood, the laughing didn't stop my fears that others couldn't possibly comprehend became something to pint out and mock.  I was sitting on the couch watching TV and someone thought it was funny to bang on the window, more than scaring me, and I jumped and that was funny to them.  When you have been violated, your house broken into and people hurt you and taken whatever they wanted from you, its not a joke, when someone is home alone.  Another time was Super Bowl weekend,  and crowds and I just don't mix.  I prefer a few people that I know , it just makes me feel safer and more relaxed.  Well I was laughed at and said well people are coming over you probably want to be somewhere else.  Someone laughing at your fears in your face.  That loud cackle laugh,  and you feel  so stupid like you shouldn't be so afraid but you are, and its made fun of.

Those things happen often, and sad but you honestly do get used to them,  I have had to.  That doesn't mean that it hurts any less but you get used to it.

LATELY, I have realized just how much that all of that affects me even to this day.  The kids will start laughing or I overreact a little and they both think its hysterical and I am brought back to those days of being physically hurt, and laughed at.  I take their laughs personally, like again my own children are laughing at me.  Oh the feeling that brings is more than painful.  And the chiropractor laughing me off when I tell him that he is hurting me and tells me like its part of getting better they have no idea where I have come from.  And There was a student who would laugh this terrible laugh and think things were funny, and again I was right back to growing up and things being so awful and so hurtful.

I guess the good thing is realizing what is happening.  I try to remember that its  my children being 11,  and yes some things are funny and that's ok.  When some things are funny its not all about me, and people laughing is a good thing.  I can see that I truly can it is just more than hard where I have come from.  I am fighting so much lately this is just one more piece to have to fight.  I know that I am different, weird, maybe even strange but I am me.  Someday, there is so going to be a place where I won't hear all the laughter of people from the past and I will just be here.  With my own children I keep reminding myself, just how very different that things are.  Its a process, a process worth trying to Win.  Someday, Someday I will win.

         

I heart your heart. 

Sins of the night

I don't know where to start, I have been writing but not posting or writing in my journal.  I just don't have a clue , I am on automatic and my head is full.  I have all the things I have been working for , for so very long and that sadness , that deep sadness is there and there are no more distractions no homework no job hunting and no people and I am more than a little lost.  And the guilt that I feel for all the things that are going on in my head I can not even explain.  I am giving 150% of me all the time, and my heart is being left behind.  I want to make things better for my students and I can't I want to make things great for the kids and I can't.  I want to do so much making things better and I am not sure that I will ever be successful.

My heart is tired and I am tired of being alone.  I am tired that people can't deal with the things that I have going on. I am tired of people leaving, tired of pushing people away.

Right now my past is totally winning, and that is more than frustrating with all the good things that are happening. Its still there and I with every bone in my body  don't want it to be.  I have pulled into my little cocoon and its safe, not productive but safe and I desperately need safe. I need to be safe and sound.  This sad soul of mine is winning.  The saddest parts of my past are winning, and I am not sure what I need to do next .  What exactly is the next step in healing ?  What is the next part of my story that I need to work on ?  I don't know but I am stuck where I am.   And its a place where the sins of the night have control and hurt like hell.  The things that have been done, are close and stealing my every breath.  They are so big and so strong and I don't know what to do with them at all, I am completely at a loss.  So I step back trying to figure it out, only there are no new alternatives or answers to the questions that I long to have answered.

I have this new relationship with my mom yet there are things that are not shared , not talked about, there are places that I can't let her into.  She is trying and has been there,  I feel like she is truly there yet, I can't let her into my sacred hurt space.  We just are not there yet.  But I don't have any people in that place right now and it would be nice because its more than lonely, its scary and dark, and there aren't any words but I don't want to be there on my own either.  The sins of the night are haunting me to the core and I don't know how to let go.  I think about the things that have made me who I am, and its literally takes my breath away I shouldn't even be here or be alive or be enjoying life at all but I am.  Yet, I feel like this soul of mine is suffocating under the sad,  and I don't know what to do with that, I don't have a single clue and its hard.

I have dug myself a hole, and the problem is that is comfortable, and I will keep fighting but I am going to do it tomorrow or the next day or next week.  I need  a break in this hole so I can catch my breathe, so I can repair my heart some.     You see you need people to heal your heart yet distance yourself from everyone,  a daily battle.  Some times the point of coming out of your shell or hole becomes a risk that I can't take, because of the fear of being hurt, being rejected, being a bother or a pest. The fear oh the fear,  FEAR is a four letter F word, that holds so much control.  I am tired of seeing the pictures,  tired of the details the scents, the touches I am done with it all.  And see thats the awful terrible part because those are the things that come at any moment, at any time.  It feels defeating to be working so hard and to still have so many nightmares, so many memories in your head.  How can I fight , take steps forward when the pictures literally throw you back?!? It's all to much.    

I heart your heart.

Dads

You know, there are so many places that my head is in.  Usually stuff about dads doesn't really bother me.  It isn't a big deal.  Well that word USUALLY is the kicker because the last three days have been unbelievable.  First it was watching the Bachelor last night.  I know so stupid, but Mariska and I started watching it and BAM we watched the entire season.  Well last night was the final rose ceremony.  Ben who was truly a genuine good guy called the girls dad that he chose to propose to, to ask for his blessing to get married.  It was more than awesome, super sweet and the tears started.  And then they came some more and some more.  Then the thoughts came, no matter how hypothetical that they were, My brain was on a roll and I started thinking.  If I ever by some strange chance get married?!?  Who in the world would the poor guy call, if by some crazy chance in this world I got proposed too ?  And I was in this panic!!  I honestly wrote a text asking someone I know if he would be my person to call if by some crazy happening I get proposed too that If there ever was a time; would he be that person for that guy to call to ask to Marry me. I know INSANE, but more than true!!  I of coarse deleted the text for so many different reasons.  For one he has his own girls, for two that is not a fair question to ask of someone,  because ,because, because   so many reasons.  So I hit delete and cried some more. My heart has a hole.

You know for so long I believed in fairy tales.  I believed in them with my whole heart.  I want to believe in the notion of Happily ever after and the good guy always wins, and soul mates and justice and how everything works out in the end.  I want to believe that more than anything.  Oh so many people have argued saying oh Callahan, there is no such thing and I fought that not wanting to believe it. Not wanting to believe that for a second.  Because in fairy Tales there is always hope.  Hope for the good guy, for dreams to come true.   People would say they are called fairy tales for a reason they are not real, or possible.  They are just that tales.  Just tales to believe in when there is nothing else to hold onto.


I do not believe in them anymore.  I do not believe in Fairy Tales.

And again tonight the tears came.  It was Mariska's choir concert.  All Disney themed and of coarse one of the songs was from nothing other than Cinderella.  And one of Mariska's friends had a solo and sang some day my prince will come ans in the bridge her dad walked on stage in tails , gloves and all and they danced to the rest of the song. They danced, yes they danced.  Oh yes there were lots of tears. A daughter and her dad.  The tears came fast for the things I never had,  maybe I was jealous.  But you can't be jealous of something you don't know.  Maybe that was it, what I was seeing was something I wanted to know.  I never had that dad to dance with, there is no father to call if that proposal ever happens.  No dad, nope. I don't have one, the one I did have was nothing but a monster and tonight I miss the kind loving gentle dad that I never ever had.

Madonna "Oh Father"

I heart your heart.