Just in it

 I am just in it, and it is a constant pain in the very core of who I am.  My heart is heavy, I literally feel the weight inside my own chest and breathing feels like a chore.  It hurts and I am alone.  It hurts that I have to deal with these things.  When I put them all together it just gets overwhelming. So many people, so many rapes, so much hurt so many times over and over and over. Today the weight of that is unimaginable. This is my life.  All the people that were supposed to protect me and keep me safe never did. I am not sure how to explain it really other than things feel like they happened yesterday.  It's like I am under water, and the world is moving on and I am struggling to catch up. Everything around me is in slow motion.  There are so many things to say and so much help is needed but the words just won't come.  I know that I am a 48 year old woman and that all of these things happened such a long time ago, but today.  Today, it seems like they all want to be on the front page of the newspaper that is my life.  I get bursts of energy and end up in tears. Mostly, I sit and try to get lost in something anything other than the things that are going on in my own mind.  I know those things all happened so long ago, and I struggle when they feel so astonishingly close. 

I was talking about it today, I keep seeing 11:11 everywhere and that is supposed to mean that you are moving in the right direction.  It's like keep doing all the things because they are good and you are going to be ok.  I want to believe that.  Tonight when Mariska said it's 11:11, I didn't even get excited.  The anxiety and sadness right now is massive.  I want to curl up in a ball and pretend that all is well with the world. I think it's one of those times where, I need a break, I need a breather. I need to be understood.  I need to scream and curse.  I so desperately want to leave it all there in the past, but it just keeps following me.  I know this is just a layer,  a place where I have never been with 13 year old but goodness,  I am being encircled in things that no person should have to experience in a single lifetime.  I can't seem to find my way out of the circle. 

I heart your heart. 

I want to scream at the World

 

I am not going to lie I have been struggling since the end of the conference.  There is this high, like wow I said all the things that I have been holding in for so long. I had a voice, and I was heard, there is a freedom in that.  Then there is the other side of the coin when it hits you, it knocks the breath out of you.  When you realize just how big that things were, you want to scream and yell and tell everyone to stop just for a time to help you catch up.  When you realize that the things that have happened in your life are really big and once you let them out there is no way to shrink them back into a pretty little box.  Once they are out there nothing left but to face them.  When things are small in a nice and neat box it is easy to make excuses and for things to just be normal. Like having to throw away your bloody underwear from the night before. Like having to hold his cross, like climbing on your own bed. Like being unable to say the words that were done.  So you use the word that seems less harsh and then realize that it is just as bad. But at least you didn't have to say the words right?  NO WRONG!!!  A co-spouse how awful is that.   Being a co-spouse at 5 meant just all the awfulness, that the word could possibly hold. Everything that a wife would do I was expected to do and know what I was doing and how I was doing it.  That is devastating really.    There are places in my brain where I know just how terrible that things were.  There are other areas that still hold on to the fact that I was the one who did something gross and disgusting.  I was a that little slut, its a small piece but there are times its still there loud and clear.  I think these last two weeks there is that realization, that things were really just that bad. I kind of feel like I have just been sitting in it.  Like holy fuck, I survived the unimaginable and here I am still. I think each time that I say things out loud they hit differently.  This conference was really big for me, and things hit really hard.  I would do it again in a second, no question.  I have to think that each time I hit a spot like this I am healing more, and realizing more than before, and heading towards my happily ever after.  

This is just another layer to the things I never got.  To the hard things that I experienced that were just seen as a normal part of daily living for me.  There was nothing normal in the way that I grew up.  There was nothing normal or right in the things that I had to experience.  There was not an ounce of fault for that little 5-year-old girl.  And as hard as it is to admit, even that 13-year-old that wanted so much to belong she didn't want those things to happen.  She didn't ask to be gang raped and she never deserved the lack of care that she got.  She should have been held and cared for.  I guess when you are realizing these things it hits a little harder when you have thought the opposite for so long. 

There is a part of me that just can't get out of it right now.  Things are on repeat and I can not believe the things that I just took care of.  That I just knew what was expected and what I had to do.  That is heartbreaking right now.  There are things I can't even put words to because it's just too painful. Maybe it's ok to just sit with these things for a time.  The unimaginable that was my little life.  My heart hurts.  

I heart your heart. 

Black Enough

 

Oh the things that crush my heart.  August 22 is coming up, and I feel it.  It feels heavier this year and I am not sure why .  Maybe just because I am taking my time to feel.  August 22 is a day that hurts that I hate and also a day that I would do all over again.  I would do it again for my children and I wish it was different for me.  Mariska was showing me some books that she got and one of them was titled black enough.  Black enough, somehow that title is like a knife through my heart.  I noticed even on her thumbs up emoji its not a white thumbs up its black.  And every time she uses it,  I shrink a little.  I see those titles and those little things and think am I not enough ?  I know that being black is a part of them , somewhere in my brain I know that but in my heart, its a different story. It is a devastating part because I can't help them understand I can't give them answers I can not fix it for them.  Every year I hate that this is such a big deal for me.  It's not about them at all. They are the reason I breathe.  The are the reason that I am still here. August 22 is a day about me.  The time before they were here, when a man had no intention of going shopping.  A man who placed a pillow on my face took what he wanted and left admiring his car.  That is what August 22 is for me and I have to find some kind of peace in that.  I have to someway be able to let it go and have this day not be so horrific.  

I think that I had a gut feeling when he showed up at the door.  He smelled of smoke and I hate that, I was so willing to look past that. When he was so late, there were so many red flags and I was not able to see them. When he wanted a tour of the house, when we ended up in my room.  When he laid on my bed, and I was sorry that he broke his sunglasses.  He didn't even care said that he could get another pair. I don't remember getting on the bed but I remember being there.  I know I had clothes on but next thing I remember I obviously didn't.  And How do I not remember such important things.  My body felt nothing, I was somewhere far away in a darkness that only rape can take you there.  It's a place of knowing yet feeling nothing.  A place that is silent but distant whispers are there.  Your body isn't in this place it's in the light with what is happening, but you don't feel a thing.  Maybe it's just your spirit that goes to this place to survive, to be ok.  At least in this place there isn't the violence that is experienced in the light of your room on your bed, with the pillow over your face.  

I can remember him getting off the bed and coming back to my body.  There are moments of confusion, there is an ache and you think NO NO not again.  Then you realize that you have no bottoms on,  he gets off the bed and you struggle to find your clothes. There in the same moment of time is a knowing of what happened to you, and thinking maybe not this time.  Because in your heart there is the feeling that this is what you are good for.  Just clean up.  I can remember makeup on my face and trying to pull myself together. I threw a shirt on and he was in a hurry. His thoughts were on his shiny BMW. My thoughts were still but we were supposed to go shopping.  We were supposed to go shopping.  I was supposed to be normal for one single afternoon. In the next moments there are two women the one who wanted to be normal and the one who knew and was all too aware of what happened on that bed.  If it was just sex, if I was just a slut, that intense shame and sadness wouldn't have been there.  That unknowing and having to be somewhere else away from my body would not be there if I wanted that to happen.  I did not want that to happen.  I did not want him to do that.  What I did want was, a normal afternoon,  laughing, shopping and just being normal. I held my shirt together and cried as he left. I locked the door, cleaned and straightened my bed. I checked the lock again and cried until there were no tears left. I am so sad for the woman that was there on that bed. I am so sad for the women that had to go away.  Now is the time the she is me and I am her.  Those things happened and no matter how I look at it; it was violent, it was unspeakable, it was nothing that I ever wanted. I am so sorry.  I am so very sorry.  

I heart your heart. 

Found This

 

I am kind of at a loss for words. I am angry and sad and then again even angrier.  I found this post on my father's wife Facebook.  It made me sick to my stomach and I threw up my dinner.  Oh sure he loves me and misses me everyday.  REALLY ?  Please tell his children he thinks of them all the time.  Really what are the things that you think about ?  Because here is what I think about ? I do not love you and I have never missed you. 

Did you ever love me at all ? EVER?

Did you love me when you raped me at 5 in my own bed with
the yellow comforter.  

Did you love me when you pushed me out of your bed and told me not to get sick.  

Did you love me when I couldn't breathe and you didn't stop. 

Did you love me when I couldn't stop crying because of what you had done

Did you love me when I had to hold your cross so it didn't make any noise 

Did you love me every single time that you raped my body 

Did you love me every time that I had to make you happy

Did you love me when I was older and crawled on my own bed to make you happy because that was what I was good for

Did you love me then,  did you miss me when you couldn't touch my little body anymore! You not only physically hurt my body but you broke my heart and mind.  You hurt me in ways that a person can never understand!   Did you fucking love me then ?  Still the Victim poor Bob.  His children don't talk to him boohoo poor guy!   Fuck you, I hate you.

I am not sure what to think but my head feels like it is going to explode, my heart is racing. I think I could run a marathon or two just trying to escape from the anguish that I feel inside right now.  There is a part of me that would love to respond to the message.  I want to let them all know the kind of man that he is and let them all know in detail the things that he did to me. Then look me in the face and tell me what a wonderful man of god that he is.  Once i saw the post I continued to look on her page and post after post was about god and prayer and I again got sick.  There is a part of me that wants to respond, so that they do know where I am and that gives me an in to find out when the bastard dies.  I don't care if I had to walk there, I would want to see his body lifeless and no longer breathing.  I look forward to that day, I really look forward to that day.  I would stand there and poke your dead lifeless body making sure that it was true,  then I would scream. I would cry, than I would dance like I have never danced before.  When you are no longer taking up space on the planet, I know that I will breathe easier.  

So please I hope you think of me every single day, and that you are sad. I hope that someday when you are dead I will meet these people that feel bad for you that your children want nothing to do with you. I will meet them and I will tell them the truth.  I will tell them the hell that you put me through.  And I will leave feeling lighter than I have ever felt.  I will leave knowing that you are no longer taking up space on this planet.  I hate you, I hate everything you stand for and someday, someday I will attend your funeral and tell all these people exactly what you are !  I will be the one walking out with my head held high because you didn't ruin me, and all I can hope is that you will be ib a place that is much farther than six feet under. 

I heart your heart. 

     

 

I will be glad when I don't cringe

 

I will be glad when i don't cringe at the things that happened to me.  When I can, say the words and not want to crawl in a hole.  When I say the words and not want to die of shame. When I can say the words and not come up with a million excuses of why those words shouldn't be used because they are so terrible.  I still wear that shame; I wear it every day.  I don't want to say the words they sound so ugly I try to say it gentler like somehow that makes a difference.  It does not the damage is the same but to the ears that are listening, I try to make it easier.  I want to be proud that I survived those things not embarrassed. I am embarrassed to say those words, the things that were taken the things that were done to my body.  I cannot believe that today all day the tears have come fast and furious.  

There were a few women, that I spoke with at the conference that talked about the somatic symptoms, and I was like YES YES, I totally understand.  A piece that I don't talk about because how do you really?  There have been times that it has gotten so bad I went to the Dr and was told that I needed to see a psychiatrist.  To me he said you're crazy. So once again you just learn to live with things that hurt. I fear even talking about it because I fear being told that I am crazy and being blown off.  

I don't even really know how to talk about things sometimes, the things that I feel in my bones.  The abuse that has happened that I don't have any words for.  The things that happened to me that left a little body in pain.  I went so far away, yet there are times I can feel that pain.  I can sometimes physically feel the rapes in my body.  These men that were hurting me, and I was so little.  My body just wasn't made for the things, that I was expected to do.  As I got older it was less of an issue but still it is there.  During the gang rape when it was many of them at a time, there are moments and dreams where I still feel that pain.  It's just so awful to talk about and to understand.  Today as a woman how do those things still sometimes feel like they are happening to me? I know that they are not. Yet, in my brain, I feel the pain. I feel them literally hurting me. This is hard, this is something that I don't even know how to talk about.  I feel it a lot. Feeling these things makes living in my own skin more than difficult.  So, breathing and those things to get you in the present are terrifying for me.  Being in my own skin is dangerous and I can still feel those things.  I guess these would be things like body memories, right? There are moments when I feel like it's happening.  I feel like my body is being raped and I will do anything to make it go away. I sit here and the feeling in my bones, in my body is serious and I know nothing is happening, I know that I am fine and yet I feel the most terrible things.  I don't know how to understand this, I don't know how to even talk about this.  Talking about it there is a different realization that even though you went away even though you don't remember specifics, your body still remembers.  

I think of being in the Van with Albert.  As he was raping me in that van, I didn't physically feel the pain until I was walking away from the van.  I remember my legs being shaky, and my body hurting so much.  I was staring at the trees, watching that beautiful sky.  Physically I was not feeling what was happening to me in the moment. But there are times that I remember, and I do feel.  I remember and feel all the things that I could not at the time.  That is something terrifying.  And people wonder why I don't want to be in my own skin.  This is exactly why. 

I heart your heart.

Such a deep sad

 

Sometimes there is just such a deep sad that is felt to the very core of my being.  When realizing that there was no one ever that has loved me unconditionally.  There are not people that just love me unconditionally for me, because of who I am.  I do have a few people in my life now that I do believe love me for me, and I am grateful for them.  That still doesn't take the pain of not having anyone growing up.  It does not take the pain of having no family. There are no family get togethers, no holiday parties, all of the special things when a person thinks of families, I don't have those.  I have never had someone there for me no matter what. I have been let down so much.  Sometimes all those things together are just more than heavy, and it makes me sad.  

Cleaning out more of my upstairs living room,  the things that I am finding are so hurtful.  My mother was never kind, never able to take responsibility for anything.  In all of the written prayers and writing there was nothing for me. No feelings of kindness, no feelings of love and care. There were no prayers for me and my broken soul.  That is hard to understand. 

I had the most amazing experience speaking at the conference and I think sometimes there is this feeling that I can speak and somehow everything will be well with the world. There is this high and people are taking what I say, and  making a difference. In my brain somewhere; Somehow that will make the pain disappear for me. It doesn't but there is that thought.  There is such a relief in speaking, in being heard and at the same time trying to explain it all in short time is challenging.  There is just so much. I have been looking at everything eyes wide open, and I need to go back to one thing at a time.  I need to take it piece by piece and continue to heal. My entire history in my face is overwhelming sometimes.  The conference helps me heal and makes me remember that little by little step by step is what has gotten me here.  There are still pieces that burn my very being and I need to face them.  I still have to name things; I still have to learn to believe I am full of worth even in the most awful.  

Road to Resiliency 2023

 I just got home from doing my first ever conference.  I am kind of at a loss for words.  I mean there are so many things that I want to say but the words are all flying around trying to find a spot to explain what these last two days have been like for me. I can say that I am different, I can say that I have changed. Without a doubt I can say that I am on the right path. I am sitting here and I want to go back. I want to talk to them all again there are still so many things that I want to say, that I want to convey. I felt so loved, so heard and even more cared for. Those were things that I didn't often get in my life and was given those things by a group of people I had never met . In a single afternoon, I was heard. That is powerful.  I will never ever forget these last two days. 

The second day was for some reason much harder than the first.  The second day, I was so nervous, that I was shaking before it started, and was honestly scared that I would pass out.  My amazing friend Beth was there, Vanessa was there.  Everything was perfect inside there were more nerves and fears.  As Mark began to speak, I felt my cold clammy hands, and that fainting feeling.  I was having these conversations in my head, like you can't pass out then 911 is called and its this big deal. BLAH BLAH like come on get it together!  They will never want you to speak again!  I was thinking about how I was standing trying not to lock my knees, and still I was trying to figure out a plan; how to make it to the closest chair in case I felt myself going down.  Probably for the first 30 minutes, those were the things that were going through my mind and my body.  I didn't want to grab the chairs in front of me, they were not very sturdy and I am sure if I fell the chair would be right behind me. I thought ok there is one of the low chairs, I can grab that and sit down.  My mind was spinning.  I do not have a clue how I remained standing, as I began to speak the feelings lessened and all was well.  I can tell you, it was a very very close call. In true Callahan fashion no matter what is going on, I always remain standing, against every odd in the world.

I want to do more. Just this conference wasn't enough for me. 

  The only difference, the only thing I would change about my experience is letting the good sink in.  I will be glad when I can sit in the brave and the good things. I will be glad when those things can seep into every fiber of my being, and I believe them. So many people stopped me outside of my talk and said the kindest things. I want to accept those things and let them seep into the places where there is so much sad.  I need to let those things seep into my bones and replace so much of what was there. 

Last night was this strange feeling, the last two days were so incredibly amazing and yet that sad.  I know that things have changed and there is more understanding today, things are different from 20 years ago but there is a sad in the things that I didn't get.  There is this incredibly sad sense in the air, that I went home alone. All I wanted to do is lay on the couch and have someone tell me that everything will be ok. I think sometimes when I talk about all the things together, I think I realize sometimes how big that things were and even today, I want to crawl in a hole.  It's that feeling that I want to scream at the world to stop until I feel better.  I want to yell from every rooftop, tell every story until I don't feel the pain anymore.  Mariska was amazing when I picked her up from work, she bought me flowers, and a basket full of all the things that I love.  I was so grateful, it was so very thoughtful.  In the quiet moments last night, there is just this intense uneasy feeling, such sorrow that I can't explain it just yet.  I started writing yesterday and couldn't get all my thoughts out, then today, I cannot stop the tears.  I am so proud of myself for standing up and having a voice and there is also a despair that I feel in my bones.   It's not even just for me, for the women that I met, for the stories that I heard.  I could have held some of the women I met for a long time. I could feel their pain, and that is something I am not sure that I have felt before. I think I kind of have terminal aloneness and to feel so connected to others that cared, that wanted to understand, even some that had experienced things like me, was everything perfect and everything sad.  The poem everything is beautiful but I am so sad; yes, that fits perfect.  These women that showed up for me that listened and some that I had so much in common with.  I think there is such a sad that so many women know, and have experienced the things I spoke about. 

I am trying to be kind to myself and give myself a break today, but it is hard. I think of the things I didn't say, the things, the things that were important that I missed.  You know life doesn't stop, even when I want to scream for it to do just that. I am trying to figure out all the feelings, I am trying to feel or at least name what I feel and I can't today. The tears just keep coming.  All day I have either slept or cried. 

I think that I have been on automatic mode, trying to get everything ready for the conference and all the things I have been pushing to the side, are still there waiting to be looked at, seen and felt. I know that I am doing the right thing, speaking even as hard as it is, feels so amazing. There is a different part of me that feels more alive than it ever has, there is a spark like wow this is what I need to do. I do believe this is what I need to do but I can't forget myself.  Things are changing for me.  Grad school starts, working on a new campus, having a new team and trying to be the best mom and take care of a household.  I want more than anything, to help others, but I can't forget myself.  So many things to process and figure out.  I even said before the presentation yesterday, I don't want to go back to school, I want to do more of this.  I know that I am heading in the right direction, I am doing the right things sometimes I just want a small glimpse into the future to see the peace that I so wish for.  I want to see the place when all of my hard work, and tears and struggle have all paid off and I find my happily ever after.  It will come, because I want it to. 10 years ago, even 2 years ago this would never have been in my wildest dreams.  I have come so far, and I think that sometimes I forget that.  Rome wasn't built in a day, Just breathe Callahan, good things are coming I promise. 

I heart your heart.