The memories that I was fighting the other day I think was a realization, seeing things so different. Seeing that I had trouble writing because somehow there is still so much that I blame myself for. I hate that there are times when I just knew what he wanted. I hate that I don't remember the threats sometimes, I don't remember the words. I just knew. And I can not even put words to how much I hate that knowing. I wish I never knew those things, I wish I never had to do those things with my father. I wish this was a memory that I didn't have. I don't want to see things so clear. They yellow is so bright, the carpet on my feet, the nail on my knee, even the sun coming in the window such vivid memories. I find myself saying things like well I was older and I crawled on my own bed, that is so disturbing. His evilness , he was so cruel, I know its a new layer when once again I say how I just want to understand. I want to understand why I didn't leave the room. His back was out what was he going to do, Come get me ? I was so afraid of him, terrified actually. His eyes would get so small and he'd stare right thru me. I was always doing something wrong, always getting in the way making him mad. I wonder where I slept when he took over my room? I don't remember if his back was out the entire time she was gone, I know there was no way I would sleep in their bed. So many questions. I am sure even that once I got sick in the bath room, I probably had to make him dinner and bring him whatever he might need. And what about my brother I am sure that I had to take care of him too. What a life. Be abused and yet again pretend that all was fine. I find myself just wanting to drive and drive and sing until I have no voice left. Listen to my favorite songs that say the words that make the lonely less lonely because someone out there somewhere understands. I want to let it all spill all over every wall every surface every square inch of space. I want to feel clean, safe and peaceful for longer than a day or two.
Sometimes with each new piece of the puzzle I feel like with all I know and how far I have come; I have to start from the beginning. Somehow each different situation , each different set of circumstances is a new excuse to continue carrying what was done. I feel more than needy and I can promise you there is no one sticking around to check on this heart of mine. You know when I seriously even think about reaching out, it is pretty serious. I feel like I am one of those people that could be out in the ocean drowning, and waving trying to get someone to help; only they just wave not realizing just how much that I need them. So yes. This is the place that I am in. It's a hard rough place and there are lots of tears and wanting so badly to understand. I want more than anything for the memories to loose their all encompassing terror. I want to stop the pictures that play over and over and over and over. The fight kicks in and I can't see beyond a foot in front of me. I wish I knew the things that kept me alive and breathing back then, I need that kind of strength . Little Callahan has it, that thing that allowed her to keep breathing on the worst of days and it would be amazing if she was around, to help me thru this. I keep thinking of the quote by Aundi Kolber :
And Here you are living Despite it all .
Yes. That.
I heart your heart .
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