I Don't believe in Fairy Tales anymore

I may be a little bitter even a little jealous, of those that have pretty stories.The ones with people who grow up with more love and support than they could ever need. The ones who have never struggled with money or gone without.  The ones who can't understand what its like to get things thrown at them because you don't have the information that they want. When they are not told well she should have kept her legs together coming from a pastor when he knew I was struggling.  Those are things that a lot of people have never had to deal with or understand and for that I am grateful.  But the other side is that they don't even try to understand the other side of the coin.When those in the pretty story find the love of their life early and excitedly share that their family is growing and its going to be a boy. There is a part of my heart that is more than happy for them, because they are living the fairy tale . They are living the dream of the things I once thought I would have.  There is also another part that wants to scream; really life doesn't happen like this very often.  I saw just a story on Facebook of one of those pretty stories and I have to tell you my heart sank a little, and a little more and a little more.  There is the dotting dad, the one that she can go to no matter what. Hoe he looked at her in the pictures, brought tears to my eyes, I have never known such a look. The mom that was there and available for life cares and questions. There were the older and younger brothers that watched out for her.  That part of my heart that missed all of those things that gets more than sad, felt crushed.  I feel like there are so many normal life things that so many take for granted that I have never in my life gotten to experience.  I once knew a person who always told me fairy tales aren't real and I disagreed until I had no breathe left.  I was going to keep my belief in fairy tales alive.  I always knew that my fairy tale looked different.  I never wanted the traditional fairy tale  but today at 45; I no longer believe in fairy tales of any kind at all.  There are some things in this life that just are not meant for me.   Today there is a longing that I have not had the kind of life that this girl has had. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her ; just sad for me.

There is a sad that never once did my father look at me and think wow that is my precious daughter.  Not once was he there when I was afraid or hurt or needed someone to care for my heart.  He was the cause of the hurt and I felt worthless, dirty and like I was something that made him mad and got in the way.  I had a mom under his control,  and I always knew that he came first.  I knew that she was delicate and I had to care for her feelings. I was always worried about her and was unable to share the pieces of my heart that needed her the most.  I had a brother but really we lived in very different worlds. He had friends, was social and wasn't home often. He has a life outside of our crazy hell-like home.  I often felt more like his mom than a sister and that was hard. All those things that they did with church, I was the one left to take care of others and watch my brother and be the little homemaker taking care of everyone's needs.

Today I can say with out a doubt that I don't believe in fairy tales any more.  There is no happily ever after, there is no beautiful ending.  I believe that I will keep healing moving forward but I know there is not that one perfect place or situation for me.  Having my mother live with me is more than difficult and no one checks in to make sure that I am OK.  The toll that this takes on me is not measurable with words.  As hard as I have worked for my own family, to get away from how I was brought up she brings much of that into my house today and its so very difficult. 

I even tried to re-frame happily ever after, mine wasn't ever a white horse and prince charming.  My happily ever after was a safe place that was all mine where I was loved unconditionally and could be the person that I am.  The quote that comes to mind is that I have this happy personality and a sad soul. Yes, that so everyone assumes that I am fine, everything is ok, only often I am drowning.  When I am not drowning I am trying to regain my breathe, my sense of myself before once again going under the water.  So for fairy tales, no those are things that are not meant for me.  I keep moving forward healing my heart, I feel like with my great helper I am learning new things all the time and am so grateful, he helps me keep my head above water.  Someday I will sit on the porch in a swing, no longer worrying about drowning and think wow look how far that I have come even with out happily ever after.


I heart your heart.