No One Wants an Incomplete Story.

Such mixed feelings, that I wish I could get my head around.  I want this to be easier, I wish for answers with every breathe I have in my lungs. I worry for my children's heart.  I worry for my own. With all that I am I wish that we had one of those fairy tale type stories, but we do not.  There is no rule book; no just right answers to make our story make sense. I am finding that I do want answers, I want that magic word or phrase that is going to make this easier, make it something different other than what it was.  I want there to be something magical that can guarantee that my children will be OK, and they will come out of this complete and whole and as perfect as they were meant to be, as they have always been to me. I want there to be a guarantee that I will be strong enough to handle their fears, questions, and concerns.

I think of normal families where there is a mom and a dad . They have these love stories, and special moments to share about when they found each other , when they found out that they were going to be parents.  I think somewhere in my mind I always dreamed of those perfect moments, where I was cared for and loved, and got to celebrate learning that I was going to be a mom. My story doesn't look like that.  Not even close. For me the morning sickness started right away and I knew within 2 weeks.  I was alone with my dog and cried , laying with him on the floor of my room when I found out.  There were no happy celebrations, no reveal party or celebration of their little lives.  For me there was no celebration,  and that made me so very sad.  As soon as I knew, I never took better care of myself, never wanted anything more. Never, ever.People questioned and made assumptions never once offering a kind hand or word.

My story is  very different, and I  want  to feel like my story is just as important and meaningful as everyone else's.  My story is different; and I don't want to feel like my story is less important; it is mine. My story gave me my most amazing children and for that I will forever be grateful. I want to give my children, a complete story. That thought is also terrifying.  As much as I want to think that they are mine and like somehow they were immaculately conceived, that wasn't the case.  For a long time, I lived in that world, because it was safe. Somehow it was so easy when they were little and would say my mom just dropped two eggs. If it were only that simple, and the story only involved the the three of us.  It was easier to comprehend for me somehow easier to get my head around.  I would not have done my job as their mom if I give them an incomplete story, one where they would have to fill in the missing pieces.  I don't want for them to be searching for those missing pieces all their life, I  want them to know and understand the truth with no assumptions.  I want to be open and be able to answer their questions as they come, I never want them to be afraid to ask.  I want them to know that I am here; ALWAYS ALWAYS with an open heart and will answer any question that they might have, the best that I can.  I hope that they always know that my heart came alive when I became their mom, that is something they need to know above all else.  That is the most important part , that they were all that mattered.  I was hurt, I was not listened to;  I would do it all again just to be their mom.

My job now is to figure out some of those pieces for myself so I can be prepared when they ask those hard questions.

I heart your heart