Wide open wound

Today is the longest day of the year.  And tomorrow is fathers day.  Seems to me like both of those things should go together.   They don't make fathers day cards for people like me, or a day. An honest day for the things that aren't pretty or right.  I hate seeing all the commercials the smiling tender kind gentle dads all so excited to see their kids. Arms wide open making them feel safe and sound. That look in their eye that their kids are the most precious things in the world.  I have seen that look in others, just never had it from my own dad.  I have had that look a few times in my life from good men, from true gentle real men and it was truly one of the things that I will never forget.  But it never came from my own father.    Those commercials are sickening for me someone who has no idea what that feels like, to be so unconditionally loved; a little girl who has never been looked at as anything precious and special.

I spend fathers day like any other day,  only with  a different sting of sad. No special family dinners. No remembrance of all the ways I was cared for and supported! Not even a mention of someone checking on me.  There are a few special people that I reach out to thanking them for being a good dad; for showing me what a good man is does and sounds like. Those people I treasure.

There is a wound there, just that I never had a good dad.  I never got to experience the things of the commercials that I see. I got a father who was selfish and unkind.  I am sure this wound is one that doesn't ever go away, and some days its just worse than others. Some days just feel like the wound is being poked and prodded and you want nothing more than just forgetting. Its a numbness; feeling everything and nothing there isn't even any energy for the hate and disgust.  Its a sense of nothingness, a loss so big and so deep that there are no words for.