Secrets are such burdens

I grew up in a house of secrets and it was terrible awful.  I knew there were secrets that I was supposed to keep in my little heart and never ever tell another living soul.  That is just the way that it was . We were a house full of secret keepers and the burden of that was more than any little girl should carry.  As I have grown up and healed and learned I am not a secret keeper anymore.  I learned that keeping secrets only makes a person feel let out and damaged. Keeping secrets causes more damage then they are worth.  There were no secrets with my children and I and that was something that I worked for and was proud of.

The problem for me now, is that I am no longer a secret keeper.  I have worked more than hard to do things different and make things better for my kids. When it was the three of us, we were open and we talked about all things good and bad.  As a family we didn't have any secrets.  Living with my mother I have realized that she is still a secret keeper and that is like a knife through my heart. I have worked so hard breaking all the secrets that I was brought up with.  I have fought my way to truth and openness and it feels like she smashes that into a million pieces.  I am desperately trying to figure out what to do, and how to handle it and I just don't know.  She brings my son in and there are lots of secrets that don't need to be.  Oh so many secrets, and each time that I tell her that it isn't ok things get worse.  She doesn't see a problem in being a secret keeper, she is a pro and the dysfunction that creates weighs more than heavy on my heart.  I do not trust her. I do not trust her words or her actions and living like that, in such chaos is so very hard.  There is a part of me that feels very betrayed by her.  Another part feels overwhelmed, because she destroys in seconds what has taken me years to build.  So much whispering and so many secrets in my own house and I don't have words for how helpless that it makes me feel.  I have tried to talk to her and she just doesn't care, she literally doesn't see a problem with it.  So we have one that has fought with everything to fight being a secret keeper, and we have another is who is quite comfortable with whispering and secrets.  There are no easy answers, I don't see a way around it.  I don't see it getting any better . What I want is for her to understand that the things that she does and the divide that she creates just isn't OK in my house.

Someday. Someway.

I heart your heart