My Art and Trauma

I was struggling in the shower this morning.  It's hard to explain, there are a lot of memories and sensations attached to things that I have been through and it makes a shower  very difficult sometimes.  Today was one of those days, I try to remember where I am that I am not 13 anymore, that I am safe all those good things.  And today I looked at my art that was on my wall and I was able to get out of it, the moment where I get stuck in the things that have happened. It made me smile for a second realizing that my art has saved me more times than I can count.

In my head there re so many awful evil things that I  have needed art to get them out. And I think growing up I was able to do that without saying a word and that is a part of what saved me.  I realize I must sound totally insane, but to me my art was always a life line. My art and the art of others was a way for me to get what happened to me outside of me , to make it through another day. 

For example I have always loved Kandinsky.  His art that often seems to have no rhyme or reason made perfect sense to me.  I have Kandinsky Composition number 6 in my bathroom and this morning that is what did it.  That is what brought me back to the land of the living. Like I see that work of art and think, there is this trauma, there is that one, there is a safety like I have so many things in my head, I see art and think this cluster of colors is this time, these circles are this thing.  I was able to do that my entire life.  I am sure that I would not be here if I had to keep them all in my head. I hope that ; that makes sense to people.

To this day, I am still like that. I have no clue how I am feeling but I can see a piece of art and think that is it and then the more I write the more of the feeling that comes out.  I guess just something that my brain did to put things in place, in some kind of order. Often I can't stand to see all the trauma but I can look at art and say that is it ! 

I see this picture and I think that is so what I need.  I get so tired that sometimes it feels like I can't walk.  So many times it feels like there is nothing left of me and I just need kindness and care.  I sometimes need it to the point, where  I worry if I will survive without it .

I think of little Callahan and wonder where she is,  she was always there we got through it all together.  I saw this picture and was like yes that;s it ! I feel like she was the strong one.  If she can survive all that happened why in the world do I still get so sad.  Then sometimes I see how strong that she is, how she made it through, and that she will never let anyone hurt her again, Ever.  It's safe to say that sometimes I so miss her,  its lonely. So for me there is so much emotion and feeling in ART that when my feelings are every which way and I am overwhelmed, I can put words to the picture that fit my heart.  It's sometimes crazy making , but sometimes such a relief.  And I need relief.  There are things in my life that I have yet to find words for and maybe someday, there will come a time when they all have words and aren't buried in the dark.  Maybe someday.  I am just grateful to have found something beautiful aspiring and a work of art that tells part of my story.

I heart your heart