Power of Attorney

My mothers last Major surgery, I found out that my brother was my mother's power of attorney.  There was a sadness a relief a response from me , that I didn't understand.  It bothered me more than I thought.  I have all this responsibility her living with me, She expects so much. I am expected to take care of many of her needs.  It's a lot more than I ever expected. When I asked her to move in with me,  she was mobile, was looking for a job.  So many things changed so fast.  Then it became Dr appointment after Dr.appointment.  Which led to ailment after new ailment,  and Yes I get more than tired of hearing about them all.  Her using Dr first names and then I was expected to know what in the world she is talking about. I don't want to know about every bodily function, every medicine every ache.  The attention that she craves is something that I will never understand. I move from far away from that as possible, while she says more more more .

For me, I am so much the opposite.  I can't even tell you the last time that I went to a DR for me.  That I had a check up.  I need to go for the growth that is in my lower back and haven't , because its probably nothing and I don't want to look like an idiot.  And I also don't want to pay for me to go, there are a lot of things that are much higher on the necessity list.  I don't take medicine, I don't want all that attention and worry . 

I feel like she made her choice for those big decisions then she needs to lean on him.  Like I get all the responsibility, and he wants to be the big hero.  I remember learning about it accidentally last summer with her first back surgery.  The silence in the room was unbelievable,  obviously something I wasn't supposed to hear.  Nothing like a knife through my heart, when I am the one that stays that is expected to take off work.  Then again,  With this surgery.  Only this time its blaring on the board for everyone to see.

I honestly almost cried when I saw it, and I am not sure why it hurts so much.  I think on one hand I am lucky that this whole Covid thing is going on so I didn't have to be there all the time, for that I am grateful.  There were snarky comments about not getting a turtle this time,  I don't know.  In the hour and twenty minutes that I was there I came close to walking out crying 3 times. This whole POA thing makes me want to go make sure she is OK but not spend every minute there.  I have to laugh because even the day of her Surgery, I called Chris to see how she was doing and he wasn't even at the hospital. I was more than angry, and there was also a part of me that was like she knows him and his track record and if that is what she wants that is fine.   I guess there is that undertone of Mattering.  Like i matter when I can do something but otherwise oh well.  I don't know.

I think the problem that i have is the responsibility that is on my shoulders, and that I never imagined would be placed on me in a million years.   I can't be the person she wants me to be, I can't hear about all her ailments, and body functions, and Dr appointments, I know that a lot of it ties back to growing up in a house with that with my father.  There is a part of me that grew up with that and I want no part of that now.  I think I am still trying to figure that all out, and just how angry that it makes me.  The more I push away from how I grew up , the more that she tries to bring it in.  She even wanted the responsibility to be on Vincent to take her to her Dr appointments,  I told her no to ask Chris.  I think its a hard situation no matter how I look at , and its really hard.  So he has Power of Attorney and I have all the daily decisions,  something is terrible wrong with this picture.

I worry that she is only 65, what is this going to be like when she gets to 70, 75?  Then what.  And I don't have any answers for that at all.  I know that there is a part of my heart that is sad, and another part that is grateful. I don't know, I truly have no clue.

I heart your heart