Religion Damage

I heard this phrase the other day while listening to an interview, and I was like yes ! THIS.  In so many ways these two words say everything.  The damage that church and religion have done is insurmountable, and have created wounds so deep that I want nothing to do religion, or church.  I have reached out, reached out, and gotten nothing. I have tried because I wanted to fit in, because I wanted to make it work.  In all cases I was the one that was left with no guidance no support each and every time and my heart was broken.  They say ask  God for what you need, they say pray and good things happen. Those are things that have not worked for me. I prayed from the time I was 5 and nothing happened. I prayed to die so that no more evil things could be done to me.  I tried to be a part of a church but I asked too many questions. I need answers, real answers that are honest.  I am not expecting perfect, I am expecting real and true and often ugly answers all those things would be better then any lie.  People talk about faith and no I don't understand it.  I can not believe in something that has let such terrible things happen to me.  I will not believe in something that has shown me nothing kind, loving and supportive. The people that have treated me the worst, were people that were all about church and were very vocal about their belief in God.  I get more than Angry,  you can not treat people the way that I have been treated and then go to church pretending to be something that you are not.  People that talk about god and church and the ways that we are supposed to treat people. Those are the same people that have pushed me to the side out of sight out of mind. Those are the same people that have stepped all over my heart and never once looked back. Those are the same people that pretended to be one way and while I was shown a different side.  I have been forgotten way to many times.  I have eaten in parks in my car unable to go home,  and not one person asked how I was.  I have asked for helped and been shut down. I have cried and tried to understand and was met with cold distance.  I am learning that its ok that I don't fit in with those people. There are still days that it hurts but I am learning.

I am a spiritual person.  I believe in the clouds and the trees and the birds. Those are the things that have been there for me.  Those are the things that have kept me alive.  I remember when I moved a lady was helping me pack and she said wow you have a lot of Buddha's.  I said yes, they are peaceful and kind. I told her that when I had nothing and no one that it was a support for me. I got the side eye,  and she didn't care.  I get strength from nature around me, from being a good person who is real and true.

I once asked if the Dalai Llama was going to hell.  I basically got a yes if he didn't believe in God.  That didn't sit well with me, I argued, that a man who is called the happy laugher who wants nothing more than peace is going to hell,  that is something I can not get my head around. Again I asked if my father was going to get into heaven, and there was lots of excuses and talk about forgiveness and again I got a yes.  Without hesitation or second thoughts, if heaven was a place that he was going to be then I wanted nothing to do with it.  They tried to talk me out of that thought,  saying that things were different,  there wasn't the same burdens that were here on earth.  I said no, if someone can do all those evil things and go to heaven,  those are not things that I want to believe in.

I grew up in a church where I was afraid.  I was exposed to things that were not explained, and I was even laughed at for being afraid.  I grew up seeing the people who raped me receive communion.  I grew up seeing so much hurt and hypocrisy that I wanted nothing to do with such things. I saw people who pretended to be this holy people and then I saw how they treated others.  I say people saying words and then doing the opposite.  This was not something that I ever want to be a part of.

My parents were a part of I guess the charismatic movement as a little girl , I was terrified. Speaking in tongues praying over people , people screaming and crying those things are terrifying to a child, not once was I thought about or cared for.   For so long I tried to fit into that world, with those people .  I tried with all that I am to fit in and understand but once again seeing peoples words and actions not match, I just would not even try anymore.   I was so vulnerable and true and not one person was able to stick around, hear my fears and walk with me.  I could give you a list of people I reached out to and I was let down by every single one of them.  And for all of those people I will never reach out again.  I am different.  I do not go with the flo, I don't believe because you say I should or you want me too.

I am all crazy me and I believe in kindness, I believe in whales and birds and trees swaying in the breeze. I believe in the stars and the sun rise and the sunsets.  Those are the things that make me feel alive and real and I will not let anyone ever shame me or make me feel guilty for not believing the way that they do.  I believe that its a choice  and I don't care what or how you believe I want you to be a good human.  Do kind things because its the right thing to do.  Do right things for the mere fact that they are right.  I will never look at you any less for what you do or don't believe just be you, all of who you are, be real and there is nothing better.

Yes, the word Religion has damaged me in this life, my heart was crushed by that small word and I will never let that word make me feel small and less than ever again. As for God I don't know, there are still many questions to be asked and i have yet to find the person strong enough to answer those questions.

I heart your heart