When there are no words, just wounds

So these last few weeks have had many highs and lows, interviews, no offers, lots of uncertainty, and at the same time some really awesome amazing things have been happening. My new car, that is absolutely beautiful, Being invited for Thanksgiving by my most favorite people in the whole world. My life has had a little of everything these past few weeks and yet I am struggling with the PTSD and it is not fun, it is not good. I generally keep it pretty covered, I can cover it pretty well, I have gotten really good at it. But a few weeks ago I was not so lucky. I had a flashback in the shower and it was so real so intense that I ended up rubbing my skin raw because I could still feel their hands. That is serious.  That is terrifying.

It was noticed a few times by people and I blew it off, oh I just scratched myself, its nothing, not a big deal but it was more than that. And its finally healing, doesn't look so terrible, but I know its there and I know that I did that to myself and I hate it. I am working really hard, at healing and I feel like there are some things that I just can't control. Like I am fine and all of the sudden I do something like this and BAM I feel like a crazy woman .

Its crazy I function every day and am this amazing teacher in the classroom. I can say with out a doubt that is one thing I can do well and feel like i do a really good job. When its just me that PTSD is alive and kicking. Since I haven't been crying it has gotten a little worse, the things that are dying to come out are trying to find someway to get my attention and that day in the shower was a wakeup call. I can not keep hurting myself, and I didn't know or realize I was doing it until it was over but that just is not ok. So I am going to have to work on this.

The nightmares get old, there is no rest and its bad enough when I can recall every detail but those mornings even when I don't remember but wake up exhausted because I have been fighting all night .....those are rough. I get more than angry that I don't have more control over this part. And I have been working on it, trying to picture random things, and do some exercises to help make them go away and it works a lot of the time, which is pretty awesome but the really bad ones not so much. The really big ones yea not so good.

Not sure I have ever had one that was this bad, and its scary. I know that nothing is happening now. I am in a good safe place with good people. I know that its all over its all in the past but my mind, my head is scared. I see things that remind me I smell things that remind me, I hear things that throw me into the past in a matter of seconds. I can not even tell you how I beat myself up about this. I should not be sad anymore, should not remember anymore all the should's that a person could possible have.

I can't stand someone touching my neck, or my hips. I get nauseous with some smells. Sometimes I think I see someone and I literally hide wherever I can, even if that means in the back of the car. So I guess all this is telling me today is that its time to get back to work. There are days that I can't even eat, There are some things that I need to work on, really work on. And I know, its not going to be easy, I am scared, I always worry that I am going to be in pieces on the floor by the time all is said and done, but TRUTH is if I haven't fallen apart yet I am sure I will truly be ok. I may feel like I am falling apart but if the past is a predictor then I am sure I will make it through this too. I am just not so sure what the process is going to be like.

The book that I am reading is pretty awesome and he talks about in order to heal and become a survivor you have to take care of yourself ?!? oh I do not like that part. I am always last on the list every one else's needs and wants are so much more important than mine. But this is something that is really important to me. I know and understand that to a lot of people  I should be fine should be "over" it all but I tell you this is a lifelong journey. I can tell you I am pissed that I am not through yet, I have worked really really really hard and yet there is still more work to do and it is not at all easy. If this were as easy as turning off a light switch I would do it in a second and healing just is not so cut and dry.  I always talk about how I see and experience life different and this is no exception.  I experience life around me today through how I experienced life in the past and trying to balance both worlds is not an easy thing. When the past makes such an impact that I hurt myself I just can't ignore or hide it anymore, as much as that absulutly sucks.

I had someone recently explain it as if I were in a major traumatic car accident and needed many surgeries and life long care and treatment, I wouldn't think less of them. I wouldn't think that they were weak.  I wouldn't think anything terrible of that person for getting the care that they needed? Right?!? Why no of coarse not....but with me you don't see the trauma, you don't see the broken heart most of the time, you don't see the damage and experience the pain and hurt. I have said before there are times that I wish there was some kind of outward wound for people to understand and maybe be a little gentler a little kinder, that that might just make the difference and that is not only for others but for myself.

So when I hurt my own arm, that was a wake up call, that I am just not willing to ignore. I feel so very weak in the fact that I did it in the first place, that I am not strong enough to just take a simple shower but for me as everyone knows nothing is that simple. So here's to the next steps and see where I am headed next but I hope its a little more peaceful and a lot less crazy. I am even hoping for some peaceful sleep maybe at Thanksgiving, Maybe ? Hopefully?

I heart your heart.

The Why's that can't be answered but still need to be heard.

 So some say what is the point of asking the why questions that there are no answers for. And to that I say, it's because they need to be heard they need to be acknowledged, they need to be felt. I have so very many of those questions and I don't understand a single one of them but I also know that the need to just get them out is huge. I know that most of them can't be answered, that I will never know the answers but I have a need for them to be heard for others to understand where I am coming from. I don't need to be shut down, saying not to worry about the things I can never answer I get that part, I really do. But I have to be heard and listened too, that seems pretty big for me lately.

For me, it's about someone understanding why I have questions and that being ok. I think those why questions have always come with sadness for me, and lately things are changing, I am finding myself getting more angry at those questions. Sometimes the sadness is so intense so real that there are not even any tears. I mean I am crier, I cry a lot of the time and I am not doing that, I feel it building and that is not a good thing either, but right now there just are no tears, my heart is broken and I need to be heard.

I am angry. I am really angry. I am about as close to pissed as I have ever been. It may even be

FURIOUS.

I can't believe the fact that so many people stood by, I am so angry that people won't talk about the things that are right in front of their face. I am angry that people are not more outraged by the number of stories that are heard on the news day after day. I am tired of being ignored, tired of my feelings not mattering, and tired that I still have to fight my past. Angry is not really in my realm of emotions, I can get angry for everyone else, I can get angry at the injustices that others have to face but for me that anger has not been there. Every once in awhile it will come out in little pieces but nothing like this.

Eric wanted me to watch a movie, just the first little part. And it was disturbing very disturbing. There is this little baby who parents drown in the ocean. And this little one is screaming on the beach, trying to get someone to help him and no one notices, no one even sees him or if they do they ignore. 2 People come close and no one does a thing. One woman stops sees the baby crying, and ignores. Another man is more than close; close enough to touch this little baby screaming by the sea shore and still ignores. And the feelings oh my goodness I have been that baby most of my life. And it is just making me so very angry, and I don't understand at all. I am angry that I have been ignored, that others have turned the other way.

It's making me angry at people in my life that have stood by and done nothing. People whose mission is helping wounded woman and yet, there is nothing for me, Family that should be there that should support are not and its so much more than sad its furious and I don't understand. People who know my struggle with faith and God and yet I am not seen. These are the things that I don't understand, that I am angry about. I don't understand the logistics of how things have worked in my life.

And I think part of the reason that I am so frustrated, is because I have a few really good people in my life that are sticking with me, that bless me beyond anything that I could imagine. It makes me realize just how not right all those other people are and it breaks my heart. And the people that are sticking with me are not related to me, they in no way have to be there for me but they are. They are in more ways than I could ever imagine becoming my people. They are truly becoming my family and for that I am more than grateful. I think that in having these people and feeling so blessed it makes me realize, just how crappy that I have been treated and its really not ok with me. I just can not be treated so terribly anymore, I will not be ignored and treated like I am second class. With that means, cutting some strings, saying goodbye and getting really angry at the questions that can't be answered. At the people that haven't helped and don't have my best interests at heart. So maybe it's my time to be angry and the tears will come when they need to come.

I need to be surrounded by people who want good things for my heart, and appreciate and be grateful for them. Those are the people that are good for me that care for me that want good things for me. Those are the ones that I must keep close and treasure. I am not sure what this getting angry means, I know that it is not going to be comfortable or fun. But this is a necessity for me to get over this next roadblock. So here I come .

I heart your heart.

Worth

Worth.....This is how mine started.

This is big, really big. When your woth starts like this, it takes time to recover; to believe something different, when this is all you have known. I was never given any worth from the earliest that I can remember, I was given the exact opposite. When you think of worth, what do you think of what value do we place on things ? DO we all have worth? Are we born with worth ? Do we ourselves have worth just because we are living and breathing? Our children, without a doubt I see their worth, I knew their worth when I was pregnant with them. The things that we value the materiel things that we have do those things have worth ? What is worth time and energy ? What worth do I have?  Am I only worth something if I am doing something for you?  So the word is Worth and its something I have a very hard time with. And this past week, its been staring me in the face and it is not comfortable.

When a person grows up like I did, I had no inherent worth. I was not worth two cents, I wasn't worth the dirt under your feet. I had to always prove myself, do more talk less, be seen and definitely not heard. I was not worth anyone's time, anyone's attention anyone's anything. Even when people noticed things or saw things were not right I didn't even have enough worth for them to do anything. And how that affects a life is forever and HUGE. When people start telling you that yes you are worth a lot, and you were always worth a lot and that people should have shown you that. Its is a shock it is a reality that you have never before in your life experienced. I was in my thirties before I even thought about that, that is how deep it goes.

Kind of funny I find myself writing this not using first person and when I try to it is more than difficult, it becomes real and it hurts. I am not sure that I believe I have worth a good part of the time. Those old tapes in my head that if I am not making someone happy, being useful in some way, being productive than I am in no way worth anything. Believing that I have worth or am worthy of even the simplest things, like a hug is hard for me to sit with, and close to impossible to believe , I often say that I need a bat for things to sink in with me.

When One person started talking about my worth some years ago, it was completely foreign and more than difficult. I had worth just because of the fact that I was born ? What and what are you smoking ? You are out of your mind. It left me puzzled, and shocked , its  not something that I automatically understand for myself. As a teacher as a mom as a friend, The people that I interact with I can see that they have worth because very simply they just do. Most people are worthy of the good things in life and deserve all those good things.  I was never taught that for myself, never shown that.

For me things were all turned around and I became a victim so early on that I believed there was no worth to my life I was good for what my father needed. I didn't make anyone happy, I didn't make anyone smile, I was good for nothing but giving him what he wanted. And for my mother I was good to keep secrets and pretend that we are a family and that things were all fine.

Today I am older I don't believe all of the things that I once did but worth is a struggle. When I truly need something it is more than difficult for me to accept that I have a need and even more difficult to accept help. I want so much to be so strong and be able to do it all on my own and yea that doesn't always work.

In the last week, I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams, given gifts that I am in awe of and my heart is more than excited, its literally busting rainbows!!!  My heart is more than scared because I am not sure that I can prove that I am worth such gifts, yea now that is a bind ! It is such a struggle in my head. My heart is more than grateful and I have to practice that saying yes I will accept that and be grateful. Not accepting and saying but you shouldn't but why me, but…. but…. BUT.....No none of that. And believe me I could come up with many many reasons.

Getting a new car is something more than huge, and the thoughts in my head, I don't deserve this car, it is more than overwhelming. I am more than overwhelmed and completely excited, this is something I would never have the chance to own. I mean I have not been given enough value in the past, to deserve nice good things in life. And I have seen that proved by my family. So when I truly start to believe that I do have worth and they treat me as if I don't, its hard to separate in my mind . With my old van for example. I could write about all the many things that don't exactly work correctly, with broken windows, radio is temperamental, A/C goes mostly on, the broken side mirror that I glued, the passenger door that just doesn't work anymore, there are a lot of things but that is the kind of car that I deserve. Those are the kinds of things that just happen that I just have to get used to, things not worth fixing, that was the message that I often got. Having a new absolutely amazing car, as wonderful as it is, I struggle that I am worth such a gift. I struggle that its too perfect for someone who is so unworthy. That is the exact thought, I know its crazy, I hear its wrong but that is where my heart is.

Being invited for Thanksgiving is such a blessing. Such an amazing dream.   When you don't have family and someone invites you to be with theirs that is huge. And again the gift in that is mind-blowing for someone like me. For someone to want to be with my crazy weird self, that is kind of unheard of in my world. There is such an excitement because these are the people that I love most in this world. It is just one of those things, and that I am still cared for and thought of, I can not begin to tell you what that means to this heart of mine. Its more than grateful, its something heaven sent and that is exactly what it is, its my very own little miracle for this often rough life of mine.

I am having to learn and accept that I do have value, that I am worthy of kindness and respect and I am worthy of those things regardless of the past that I have had. I have accepted the invitation for Thanksgiving, and the gift of such an amazing car !!!! ( Doing cartwheels) Yea that might take awhile to set in, YEARS to set in....but I am working really hard, really trying. That even in my weirdness people want me around, that even not having a job right now, I am still worthy. That It is ok receiving a gift from someone's heart, because that’s just it; its their kind heart. And I am worth kindness, I am worth loving even on my not so great days. Even on the days when all I do is breathe.

Life is strange, and for me life is looking better. I am figuring things out. I am learning to live. Life is moving on , I am still fighting , but I am winning. Well mostly winning and that is a good place to be.

I heart your heart.

 

The things that bring you together or Don't but should

I was watching a video and in it they said that since going through their own tragedy that it brought their family closer that they learned to truly enjoy each other and their family. And that hit me really hard. Because I miss my family, or the idea of what my family is supposed to be and I just need to cut the strings. The big things in my family did almost the exact opposite. Like when I pressed charges on my father, when I had the kids, and when I graduated. Those are things that should bring people closer! You would think there would be a lot of support and kindness and for me there wasn't, EVER. My grandmother was living with us, when I pressed charges and the stares that I got from her were so cold and mean, and not once did she ever talk to me about it. The night I told my mother that my father had abused me we were on our way home from the movies and it was late it was storming outside she said that she couldn't believe that he hurt his own brother. There was that deafening silence then I said that he wasn't the only one and she pulled into a church parking lot and she cried. I don't remember what she said, she gave me a hug but it was like there was a wall it was for her not for me. I just remember watching the windshield wipers as the rain fell. I only told her because I knew that the detective was going to be contacting her about my case and any information that she might have. She sent me flowers the next day they were beautiful but there was nothing for my heart. I tried to talk to my brother, and he kind of laughed, He said "well you can't press charges on someone for being an ass-hole" and he walked away. That was all that was ever said. I went through the entire court system on my own. I was more than terrified, I was more than grateful for my detective, but he wasn't my family. I wanted my family to be with me and support me and I think they thought is was stupid. My mother never asked about what happened to me, she didn't ask anything, she was in her own world. Once when we were all sitting in the Da's office getting ready for trial and the questions that they had to ask, that I had to answer were devastating and not one of them said a word. My mother and my brother sat there in their own world. I was more than embarrassed, and wanted to scream at the same time, while shaking someone ;did you hear what she just asked me? Did you just hear what he did to me? Do you even care that that happened to me, your daughter by YOUR husband? When it was all over and I finally said take a plea I just want it over, my brother was laying on the floor watching TV, and said nothing. My mother gave me a hug and said aren't you glad it's all over. That was it. I don't remember what the rest of the day was like, but I am sure that my heart was broken.  It was one of those moments where time stands still and it feels like everything is moving all around you, but your world has stopped. It was over but nothing was really changed.
 

I think it was my second or third trip and this time I went to Boston on my own, and this time I had to testify, it was unimaginable and terrifying. I wanted to crawl in a hole, I took medicine to calm my heart and there weren't even any tears I just wanted to be back home. I remember my mom picking me up at the airport, and there was a distance she could not understand the trip that I just survived. We never talked about it she never asked. I just talked a little about Ruth, and my disbelief in her lack of caring. Then nothing, but silence. I was on my own. Totally on my own.

So fast-forward a year or so, I was trying to keep up appearances, but I was completely a mess, life was falling apart at the seams and no one was noticing. And I got pregnant with Vincent and Mariska and the hurtful comments never stopped. Cruel things that should never be said were spoken and they hurt. Digs at me at my children that cut to my core, and she said well I know you got pregnant on purpose. She had no clue and again never cared to ask questions. I had learned not to give information, it only made things worse and I wasn't listened to anyway. My brother was angry, just more of the same self centeredness I got from them most of my life. It was so sad.

It was thanksgiving when she said that we could stay, that we could have more than half a room, the kids and I. Then it was December when we found out that I was going to have twins. For a time we were a family, things were good. When I depended on her for everything, when I couldn't meet my own needs things were fine. As they got older as I grew stronger things were not the same. I am not sure if things were always unhealthy or if I was just noticing things but either way it happened. We were in the way, our hearts didn't matter, we took up too much space, we were a burden and my breathing bothered her. It happened so quickly, with in a year things had done a complete 180. Until my heart was so hurt, there was no going back. I lost myself for a short time trying to make everything perfect, trying to keep our things out of her way, still nothing worked, and nothing made it better. I found an email that was written and it was the beginning if the end, I couldn't be hurt anymore, I was working so so so so hard trying to finish school, take care of my heart, care for my children, and the bond was shattered, there was absolutely nothing left once words are on paper that call you names, that damage your spirit. There just is no going back, the damage is done. She wiped her hands and tries to pretend that all is well.

Then I was given such gift that got me out of that situation that allowed my heart to heal. And still there was so much hurt, trips that my brother made never letting me know that he was here, Him changing his number not telling me, and then I stopped hearing from him all together. Trips were made to Victoria and we were not invited, my mother went there for Holidays and there was the hurried conversations realizing that she was there and he didn't say a word. Trips to the state fair and the kids were shown pictures look where we went and they were not invited. That was what the relationships had become, and it made me sad.

I think I thought that maybe graduation would be different; I wanted things to be the way that they once were. A way that I know is gone but still hoped for. And they showed up for my graduation my mother and my brother and it only made me sad because it just did. And people have pictures with their families their parents and I didn't. Not my blood Family and that was sad, more than sad. Maybe graduation would bring us together, it didn't. My brother didn't even show up the next day for my party. No going out to lunch no conversation nothing, and for a second it killed me, it was a realization that I didn't even have my brother, the last family that I had, that I was holding onto. My graduation party was amazing , the best part was when everyone was sitting, talking, relaxing when my favorite people were there and I was there in that moment all of me and that might have been one of the best feelings ever. This was one of the best times EVER, it was safe and peaceful and my heart was more than happy. All I ever needed and wanted was right there in that room.

I realized and am realizing the people that I had pictures with were my family were the most important people in my life, People came from far away just for me, and that made my heart so very happy. The people that were there for me, I still think about that night and my heart smiles I took in every second, I had made it. And as much as those people were there for me that I call my family, they have their own family they all have people to go back too. For me they are it, there is no going back to anything and that is the part that is so very difficult that I have to try and figure out .

In this place that I am in I have to learn that what I have is ok, that the time that I have with my people is precious and I hold on to that. I am grateful for my people, more grateful than any words could ever express. I have to let go of what I wish was and hold on to what I have here and now and that is hard. As happy and as good as those people are there is a sting that just is when your family isn't there as they should be to hold your heart.

And I have to say that the holidays are coming and there is no family to go to, no road trip to the boonies this year I am going to have to make new traditions for the kids and I, things that I will create for our family. And I am excited about that, but my heart still stings, and I am not quite sure what to do with that. I know that I can make a turkey, and its edible and really good, we will make fruit cocktail , and enjoy the holidays being a family, together. So I am going to do that for us and take things as they come, no matter what exactly that might look like. The things that should have brought my family together haven't, and the people who have families already have been my family and that is well worth holding onto even if they are not mine. So what these next months bring, I don't have a clue but I am all in, holding on. So they say when one door closes another opens RIGHT??

I heart your heart

Burden ..It's on US

So this is more than BIG. I am not a Burden, I have a burden. What ? What do you mean I am not a burden ? That it wasn't meant for me to carry alone ?? This...wow....THIS. I have written it down and read it over and over trying to figure out how this fits into my brain Now that is one tangled mess in my life that's for sure. I am not sure that i know how to untangle the two. Having a burden and being a burden are in my book the same thing. My entire life I have felt like a burden, my entire life I have been a bother a pest, a problem. I was not supposed to need or want anything. I was supposed to be seen and not heard, I was supposed to shut up and just do what I was told. It was like that my whole entire life. Needing or wanting anything was seen as a major problem, I was taking too much time. I don't remember a time when I didn't feel like a burden. Even being so little I remember feeling like I was a bother and a Burden even to my mother. All that mattered was my father and what he wanted. And I can remember times when I needed her so much and she just wasn't there. What I wanted, yes EVEN NEEDED as a little girl didn't matter. I was always a bother, my needs didn't matter, EVER. I can remember saying to my mom once when we dropped my father off at the air port that I wish that it was just her and I, her reply said it all "but we are a family". I had little braids, I was sitting in the front seat of the car. I was so little and i knew that nothing was going to stop, nothing was going to change. He was the only thing that mattered his needs, wants and feelings those were what mattered. So today that is a struggle, its been a struggle for some time, that its ok to need something, that its ok to need other people that its ok that I can not possibly carry all that has happened to me on my own, that is big. Because all of my life that is what was expected. Just keep moving and keep carrying all the things that had happened , just do what you have to do to make it . Even when my burden got to heavy and I reached out for help, and to the right people, counselors, youth group leader still I was made to carry that burden alone, no one stepped up NOT ONE PERSON. And that is the worst feeling. I knew just how awful that things were, I couldn't keep quiet anymore so I opened my mouth, I tried to ask for help....And people ignored, people told lies, people didn't want to believe that I was telling the truth. It was easier for people to point fingers at me. To blame me, to say that I was lying than to address the problem and help me. Oh I was screaming out for help and was only let down. So many people that were authority figures, that could have done something just did not and I was the one to pay the price. With that I came to believe that I was the burden, I was the one who was a problem, who had the problem and who had to take care of things on my own.

I can remember talking about Bella for the first time. I was 17, I think. It was in a little Bar in Germany the Crone I think it was. And I talked about her I cried, it was dark, candles were lit and I opened my heart. I had not felt anything in a long time. And I think for the first time ever I was listened to, I was comforted. And even though I didn't have that all the time, I had those moments in Germany and that meant the world. I am not even sure if he remembers, but it meant oh so much to my hurting heart. I missed her, and I was more than sorry. Someone listened and was sorry too. I needed that comforting, I needed to be listened to and until that time no one listened. Not a real live human, I had the whales at 13 but human kindness is something that I craved, that I longed for that I think, I still long for a lot of the time, and it's more than hard to accept.

I was in my thirties until I truly felt that I wasn't a burden to people but it was a feeling that I would feel for a flash then it would quickly disappear. Because I have to fight the feeling of being a burden ALL THE TIME. I was taught that I was always a bother and a pest, so when someone says no you are not, that the things you wanted were normal things, that someone should have done things different that is more than hard to accept and harder for my brain to understand. Even today when I need something I feel needy and useless and I have to remind myself that is the old, having a need doesn't make me needy. But its so strong, and so uncomfortable I try to need nothing. I feel like all the things in my life have made me needy and sometimes that need is so great, that it is unbearable. Its so frustrating the bind that people like me are in. We want to share and be a part. We want to be a part of the group but our Burdens are heavy, and I have not quite figured out how to balance the Burden and the neediness, and wanting someone to be close.

There are all these campaigns out, saying women should not walk alone in the suffering, we should all stand up together, we should all do some thing and those are all just words until something happens close to you in your own backyard and then it becomes personal. And then others begin to ignore. So we say to people speak out, speak the truth and yet most people are not ready to hear it. Most people are not ready to help you carry that burden, that you never asked for but now have to carry. I think people mean well, but they don't know what to do. I can tell you something is better than nothing, a kind smile is better than silence, I note to say hello is better than ignoring. We have to be careful be selective. We have to judge if our story is ok or if our story is off limits.

So the things that have happened to me are a major burden that I will deal with all the days of my life. And I have had some that have helped carry my pain and lessen the burden. I have had some run as fast as they could. So I have to learn that I am NOT a burden. I have a burden and its ok, to let others help. I don't have to carry this all on my own. So I think for many others this is an important truth to come to understand. Many of us feel as if we are a burden because the need in our heart for the things that we should have had all along, but didn't get is huge beyond belief. We are always hoping for relief....ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.  

 I heart your heart and hope you have help in your Burdens, we were not meant to carry them alone. <3

When I get to Heaven

So a few weeks ago I was asked what I thought God would say to me when I got to heaven. I was caught more than a little off guard, I didn't have a clue. My first thought was that I would fall to the ground and I would cry and cry and cry. My next thought was well is my father going to be there ? If he is there I am out! The people who have hurt me to my very soul, will they be there ? because in all honesty if they are all going to be there forget it. Forget it no thank you. Heaven is supposed to be a safe place, a place where all the things that were wrong here on earth, don't hurt anymore. Heaven is the safest of the safest places. My heart would not be safe with those men in Heaven. I just have not been able to get this thought out of my head. What would God say to me when I get to heaven. I have asked a few people and their responses made me cry, they were so real so heartfelt and I think that I feel there is a part of me, or ok maybe all of me that doesn't deserve that kindness, that can not imagine that kind of unconditional love. I have not been totally accepting and I have more than enough doubt to go around. I have this crazy relationship with God, I see him I believe in him. But he is way over there and I am way over here. Its kind of like we are sitting on the same couch, but are miles apart. That is exactly how I picture it in my head.

You know the scene, you walk into an office and scope out the seats, who looks the least scary, and then you see it, the couch that no one else is sitting on. So you sit down and check out your surroundings. The door opens in walks that "person" there will always be that person that with all the other seats In the room they of coarse sit next to you on the couch that has now shrunk at least 10 times the size that it was before. And you start to sweat and you smile and try not to be totally annoyed, as you look around at ALL THE EMPTY SEATS and yet ….the choice is made and this person sits next to you. And the thought totally crosses my mind to move to the other side of the room for a little more personal space but of coarse, I don't want to seem rude. So I uncomfortably sit and wait. You acknowledge that he is there, you see them believe they are there but you don't really want to be their best friend or anything. Well that right there is God and I sitting on the same couch. I feel as though there are times, he ever so gently nudges me and I acknowledge him, I see him but I am sure not going to scoot over and have a conversation. I feel like he is there waiting for me and I just am not ready to scoot over. I am not ready to hear, I have always been there, I am not ready to express the anger that is inside, thanks for showing up where were you those first 30 something years!!!!  I am not ready to share my heart and trust that it will be cared for .

So yesterday while I was writing an Email it came to me clear as crystal, what I want to hear : I am so very sorry Sherri, things were so hard, so very sorry but I am here and you are safe and sound now. You will never be hurt again. Let's go meet Bella.

That is what I want to hear that he is sorry for all the things that have happened, but that I am finally safe and can't be hurt ever again. That is it, that is it completely.

And I think sometimes that is what I am waiting for. I can't get closer on the couch just yet, because I just can't have my heart broken again or anymore and until someone can make that promise I will be guarded. There are times I feel myself getting closer but I am scared to death. I have given my whole heart and it was not cared for, not remembered, not seen. Its going to take time to get there again.  I am taking the right steps, I am just vey very careful.

So I do know the things that I want to hear, I know that I have a long way to go before we will be friends on the couch and not strangers. I am working on it, harder than you can imagine, but just like all things they take time with me and I am really truly trying.

I heart your heart.

PAIN DESERVES TO BE FELT

So I saw this when I saw the movie The fault in our stars. I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote it down. It struck such a chord with me.

I watched it again and still felt it. This is something important, LISTEN CALLAHAN . LISTEN. LISTEN.  This just might be the next step. Pain Even your pain Deserves to be Felt.

Pain Deserves to be felt.

Pain Deserves to be felt.

Pain Deserves to be felt.

This is a truly rough one for me. Sure I feel it, but is that ok ?  I am different; I do not deserve to feel, to be sad. Nevertheless, it's where I am right now. And I wonder every day Does that count even for me? Of coarse pain deserves to be felt, BUT not for me. I mean as a kid I was fine, I went through the motions of my life, I got up went to school did my work, well mostly. I spent a lot of my time pretending, ignoring that there was no pain there, in my heart; No I take that back I know it was there but I often refused to feel it. I mean I had to that is how I made it. Pretending that everything was fine was how I survived. Today I smile, I laugh, say that I am fine and for sure I don't feel the pain most of the time, only in my heart I do; it's never far away ALL THE TIME. There are reminders absolutely everywhere; I tell myself I don't deserve to feel the pain it's been too long, it will crack me. Others will hate, me and think I am dwelling, I have thousands of reasons why I do not deserve to feel the things that I do. Somehow, I didn't feel the pain way back then so I don't deserve to feel it now. If I can be ok at five, why can't I be ok today at 39? And I wasn't ok at five, I was just doing what I had to do. I know the pain is there, in my bones, it creaks in with headaches, and ulcers and bruises in my sleep. I hate myself so much that I don't think I have a right to the pain that I feel. That is it right there. What right do I have to feel it all this time later? I hate the five year old that laid there and thought well its ok he just thinks that I am my mom. I just laid there, did nothing didn't fight, didn't tell him to stop. I mean come on he just thinks I am my mom. That was a rational thought until I was in my 20's!!!!! I hate the eight year old that stared out the window, tears strolling down my face as Albert drove me to the park. I watched my parents getting further away in the rear view mirror, they waved, saying goodbye, I never said a word as his hands were where ever he wanted them and we hadn't even turned the corner. I hate that 13 year old, that wanted so much to be a part to be noticed and in that terrible things happened, that I couldn't stop that I couldn't control. I couldn't make things different and I hate that. I sometimes hate myself for surviving. And that is not that I want to die at all that is not it. It is that sometimes the pain is so intense that I feel like I am breaking inside and I wish that one of them would have finished me off. I know how very close to death that I was. I know that; I know that there was something inside that kept me alive that kept me fighting, Somehow my mind was able to go away, keep me safe and I hate those things but those were the exact same things that kept me alive that allowed myself to go away in my mind and make the things that were happening to me disappear. I am not sure that I deserve to feel the hurt that I feel. I cannot remember a time that I didn't hate myself and I have to change that. I cannot hate the little girl that I was, because everything that I hate were the things that got me through, that helped me survive the hell that I was in. I am scared that to feel the pain I will disintegrate into millions of tiny pieces that I will never get back together again. But the truth is if I was going to fall apart, I already would have, if the acts themselves didn't kill me, and I am still here than for sure I can feel the hurt ?!? RIGHT?!? It is as if I look at everything as if I am holding it in my hands and so very close to my heart but at the same time I am holding my arm as far away from me as possible. I can see it, so very clear, I can see all the tiny details, yet the hurt is OVER THERE far away and I don't have to feel it. I hold it dearly it affects everything but I DO NOT feel it consciously all the time, its just there. It just IS there are moments it gets close, and I feel it and then I put it way out there again it's just too much. So maybe just maybe its time that I allow myself to feel and know that, that's ok. Life was hard, hurtful unthinkable and unimaginable. However, I am here. Yes its been years but it hurts, I am not dwelling I am trying with everything I know to heal and maybe that next step is just letting myself feel the pain, with out feeling guilty, without giving myself a time frame for it to be ok. Without feeling as if I have to explain why it still hurts my heart so much. I HOPE that it will be better someday, but I think maybe the only way is right through this exactly where I am . I have had a few really good years with an amazing person that got me through a huge piece of the past; he helped me crawl out of a big black hole that I was in and I didn't have to do it alone. I got so many things done, and I felt the pain, and I came a really long way and I didn't crumble, I did not shatter. I actually grew in so many things. It hurt, there was plenty of pain and oceans of tears but I came out on the other side better than when I started. And now its time to continue that, let someone be there, let the few people that care, that are close to me really be there and help me. They are not running, they are staying and walking with me. I am not sure if there is an end to this healing journey, I don't think that there is. I think there may always be days when the pain is going to need to be felt, but it won't be so intense. And for me that has to be ok, for those around me that has to be ok, because it's MY life. There will be sad days, there will be joyous days; days when I want to forget, but they are all my days just the same. I can not go back, I can not change the things that happened but they don't have to stop me from living either.  I won't let it.

My fears in feeling the pain today is that somehow, I am going to be stuck back there and I will not be able to escape, that is what my mind fears most. I think sometimes my mind forgets that IT IS OVER. My mind is so worried about protecting me, that it's a fight to feel. If I don't feel, I am going to be stuck in these thoughts, these feelings and I just cannot do that. There are too many things that I want to do, personally, professionally and even as a mom.  The life that I have lived, I will never put it away until there is no more abuse, until no child is hurt so the faster I deal with my own pain the more that I will be ble to help others. I have to make a difference, I was meant too.  There is a lot of life left for me to live and I need to do what needs to be done. Feel what is there, don't create more, just feel what there is to feel with out regret, or excuses. Live this crazy wonderful life as much as it hurts with as much joy, kindness, and happiness as possible. 

So hold on, things could get rocky but its all for the good of my heart; you never know just might learn something.

I heart your heart.