On being ugly finally wanting more

An import from a long time ago. June 22,2012. Kind of cool when you write then find it again years later.  Another wish in this crazy life of mine, maybe someday, MAYBE.

 

Well lately its been on my mind. Marriage, dating, is this something i want , am i sure ? what if my heart gets broken, would he make a good dad . can I trust someone enough with my heart ? With my children ?what if what if..... I have never really allowed myself to even think about the possibility that I could love someone that much to Marry them but more than that; that anyone could ever love me, like me like that. Today I thought about it even more There was this really cute guy his name was Bradley, he is always smiling, very friendly he has kind eyes and today when we were in the grocery store we got the crazy check out lady and she started talking about Marco Polo and I just listen and smile and she calls over Bradley and started asking him if he knows who he is and he went into that he was an explorer and where he went and things he did but ME I didn't hear a word about Marco Polo and the lady said oh he was like Jacques Cousteau and we (Bradley and I) kind of looked at each other he was like no not really, I am just standing there and I think wow, he is kind of cute like he was totally entertaining the crazy checkout lady ,he was kindly interacting with my kids , I don't know there was just something that made me smile and think maybe could somebody like that love me some day ??

I mean my entire life people said I was one thing then hurt me so I think well fine if I just get ugly then I won't be hurt and people will go away. And for a time that worked, for a time it kept people away and I guess my goal was accomplished. Then I thought you know I don't want to be ugly lost over 120 pounds and was scared to death. I can remember wearing one of my favorite shirts in Hastings and a guy commented on it and I had such an attitude like how dare he look at me how dare he notice. I was polite of coarse but my insides were screaming at him for noticing me. I loved being skinny, I loved being in my own skin for me but I hated people noticing me . There was this guy in one of my psych classes that held doors open for me, that smiled at save the whales all over my paper, I am kind of crazy about getting to my classes on time and he would get there the same time I did! and I would never go out with him, there was Scott who was amazing and so kind, he stood up for me, oh my goodness we would laugh so hard together, we liked some of the same things and yet I was so afraid. There was Yan from Germany, that was AMAZING, I even still have the little monkey from the drink that he bought me. He still brings a smile to my face. One night we were standing in this movie thing kind of like the Omni theatre and I got dizzy and grabbed his arm, and I let go as soon as I did. But he smiled and looked at me with those blue eyes and said its ok you know, i don't bite. And I can remember every second to holding on to his arm, to his smell. He was just there just kind, and I want to give myself the chance to find that.

My entire life i have always just wanted to fade into the background, not making any waves not being a pest not bothering people. But what if I don't want to just fade in anymore what if I don't want to be ugly anymore....... I am at a place where i have true honest friends that I have to say are amazing and things they say about me are sometimes quite overwhelming, who am i to stand out to make a difference who am I for people to notice. Ugly has been my safety only really it wasn't and I am scared to let it go.

All the firsts that I have never had in life maybe its time to jump in, do what feels right for me and see what happens. I am not expecting to find prince charming tomorrow ,though some friends of mine have some pretty amazing stories, or snap my fingers and be skinny again, but I want to love someone and I want to be loved, I want to be special I want the fairy tale I want good things for me. Last night a friend of mine sang in this little coffee shop, which I thought was quite cool, she was amazing. I was watching all the couples around me and my brain doesn't stop like what if someday I could be like one of them, what if someday I could have that special person sitting next to me, what if someday Julie sang at my wedding.... Seriously I have never ever had these thoughts ... I want someone in my life ....I don't want to grow old alone......

I found this perfect little saying that kind of says it all.

He held her like a seashell, And listened to her heart .

　

this is exactly what I want, maybe just maybe someday, because I am ready .

 

OK well maybe not so ready but maybe someday, just maybe. 

　

　

　

This is crazy I wrote this in 2012! Sometimes I think I am so ready to move on, so ready to be a normal person and then at the same time I read this and go HELLO there is no way in hell you are ready for a relationship and don't even think about Marriage, I mean seriously that is one thing that is back in the depths of my brain that is so far out in left field, its more of a joke to me. And in the same breath I want a good guy. I know I am crazy, Imagine that. Maybe someday I just don't know when that is. I want a good guy, not someone to fix me but someone who will be ok with my bad days and not hate me or think I am this awful terrible person. I don't want to grow old alone and at the same time I don't have a clue how I am supposed to get to where I will let someone in either. I have always been ugly and didn't like it when I wasn't I take that back. I liked it for me, but I hated the attention. I am not ready for that part at all. I don't want someone all over me and giving me compliments I want someone who will laugh with me and cry with me and do life, doing what we do. That is what I want. I want him to be kind and helpful and I want someone who notices the little things and makes a difference for people. I want someone who is gentle and funny and compassionate. Ok maybe I do want all these things and sooner than later , YES I would love that, but I am not ready. There are pieces of me that I still have to figure out. There are pieces of me that are no where ready, that 5 year old cowering in the corner yea we need to have her grow up to be ready for any kind of a relationship. Maybe someday maybe. So lets re-read this again in another 5 years and see where I am then. Hopefully better than I am today and maybe ready for that perfect person just for me. 

I heart your heart  

It's going to break your heart and that breaks mine

This time of year is rougher than normal for me and there are reasons that I understand and some that I don't. Father's day is Today and it's usually not that big of a deal. I am not big on the day but its not terrible either. This year is proving to be a bigger deal than what I would like. I would like to buy the corny father's day card, and stupid tie and whatever it is that you buy a dad on father's day . I would always go out of my way and buy him something special something that I knew he would like. I wanted so much for him just to love me, and I knew he didn't just because I was me, so maybe if I got him just the right gift, well that didn't work either. Even once they got divorced, it was sad the number of things that he left behind that I had given him. I guess it was that punch in the gut that wow, I truly meant nothing to him. This year I am not buying anything and my children are not buying anything either. And this year its bothering me, for so many different reasons.

Because I just got back from DC and I am still trying to let it all sink in, the things that I did to keep another little girl safe. Going through the court system how I was treated and I did it on my own. I think its also the kindness that I received in DC the gentleness, I was listened to and heard and oh I really wanted a nice kind good gentle loving dad that was gentle and loved me just because I was me.

And for my children because they are asking more questions, and there are no easy answers. Vincent understands more than I would like to think. He doesn't know exactly but his little mind is spinning. There was even a date line on talking about sexual assault. And I started crying, In one part and I didn't at all mean to it just happened and Mariska said mom why are you crying and I said that I was fine she asked again. And Vincent stepped up and said just stop Mariska leave it alone. He was keeping me safe watching out for me, then asked in a few minutes later if I was ok. My son should not have to recognize that. He should not have to deal with that. And at the same time I think all that is going on with the documentary and everything, is getting us both ready for the inevitable. That hard conversation that is going to break my heart. That I hope I am going to have the right words for.

This week I miss not having a dad. Someone I can go to and ask ok I don't have a job what in the world am I supposed to do, how do I consolidate my student loans? What is a good computer to get ? My key is doing something crazy can you check it out for me ? I have never had anyone to ask those questions too and it makes me sad. I never had a shoulder to cry on, and say my heart was broken dad can you fix it for me can you make it all better? Because he was the one who broke it before I even knew that It was whole. That is just sad.

Everyone will be with Family and laughing enjoying things and I will too for my children. But its just not the same, not the same at all and it hurts this year. No child should have to press charges on her father to keep other children safe. NO daughter should have to go through court, and talk about the terrible things that were done , never should a daughter have to do that, …

And at the same time no son and daughter should have to hear that their mother was raped and that is how they were conceived. Fathers day has never been a big deal in my house, it has always been the joke, well mom just dropped two eggs and had us. And that made me smile, they were all that mattered/ From the moment that I found out that I was pregnant they were all that mattered. I never took better care of myself, I never was more excited, I was going to be a mom and nothing else mattered in the entire world. I was going to keep them safe and sound and protect their little hearts and make sure that they were always taken care of and listened to. And for eleven years that is how things have been. The answers that I have had for them have worked, they have never asked anything specific. They have never asked those questions about their father. This year they have said that they wanted one, and I blow it off, I am not sure that I will ever get married and be able to give them that. Lately things have gotten rough.

Vincent knows more than I give him credit for, he is putting pieces together and things are making sense. Everything I do seems to make him crazy, He seems to hate me most of the time and I don't know what to do. It all started on Thursday. Vincent and Mariska went to a friends for the afternoon they went swimming and just enjoying the day. Well Mariska comes home in tears and of coarse in true Callahan fashion tells me I am fine. I know her too well and I know that she is not, something is going on and Vincent is hanging around waiting to see what she is going to say. He goes upstairs to change and the tears start again from Mariska, and I get the story. Vincent was making fun and poking at her and her feelings were hurt, because everyone was laughing and the other kids brother had friends over so it was exceptionally worse. And her little heart was crushed. My blood was boiling, I was more than angry. I called Vincent down from upstairs, and I asked him what happened of coarse there was enough denial to stretch to the moon and back. He pretended that he didn't have a clue what I was talking about. I tried to stay calm, but of coarse he didn't do anything. I was just trying to breathe. They finished their shower; Vincent still with his attitude, and I asked him do you understand why that wasn't ok. He had this look in his eye, he doesn't care, and I got him to start talking and he really didn't have a clue, he said that Mariska was laughing too, and I started yelling, I said yes I bet she was what else did you want her to do, she was laughing because she didn't know what else to do. Was she supposed to run home crying and have everyone make fun of her no she stayed and laughed because she was more than hurt and that got him. I told him that he was her brother and that she is more important than anyone and he needs to make sure that she is respected and cared for not made fun of. I said that my own brother made fun of me all the time and that it doesn't feel good, and I would often laugh because you don't know what else to do. He knew that he was wrong, he felt bad. SO he pushed and shoved his way through the kitchen, and Mariska told him the tater tots were ready and he bit her head off, and I was done. I had reached the max, and I just told him to leave. He came back for dinner, and was still quiet tears streaming down his face. And I put my hand on his arm trying to ask him to talk to me, to tell me what was going on that I felt like he hated me all the time and I needed to understand so we could make it better. He would stop crying then start again, I would ask him what was wrong and the words I hate most would come out of his mouth "Nothing"

I was getting frustrated you just don't cry like that for no reason and I was asking him are you mad at me, is it Mariska, is it Granny, I was naming everything that I could possible think of then it hit me. He had been making comments for days about how he hated fathers day and couldn't wait for it to be over. And I asked him Are you upset that its fathers day……And those moments…..so many things came together…..And he broke, the sadness that was coming from his heart was unbearable. And I asked what about it, and he couldn't even speak. His sadness is that deep that present, and my heart was breaking I knew what this meant, I could see his hurt heart and I knew that the conversation that I was going to have to have was going to hurt even more.

I sent a friend a message in a panic , like Oh My God this is the moment I have dreaded forever this is the moment that I never wanted to face, that I thought somehow I could get away with not sharing not letting them in on this part of my life. You see that’s the problem its their life too. I have said it would be so much easier to tell my children that I was just a terrible awful slut, that feels better than telling them the truth. But the answer that I got back. "Nope, because that wouldn't be the truth for him or for you. What he needs is as much of the truth you think he can handle. Anything would be better than the truth, I am their mom supposed to keep them safe and sound and keep their heart safe. I don't want to break their heart, but really its already broken. The truth is scary and it hurts more than you can imagine, my children are my life. From the second I found out that I was pregnant they were all that mattered. It was me and them, and that is what is important. I was going to be a mom and that was all that mattered, how I got pregnant and by whom just didn't matter.

But Vincent is putting pieces together and I need to have this conversation and I am beyond terrified because for eleven years I have put that part on the back burner, I said that it doesn't matter, I try to ignore that fact, at all costs. I don't think about it don't name it don't claim it thinking somehow by doing that it wouldn't be true. And its that moment....Right Here Right Now and I am not ready, but this is a moment that no parent could ever possibly be ready for. So today, I have to have this conversation with my children about their father. About what he did and the person that he is and I can not tell you in any words known the depth of this pain.
　

My dear sweet Mariska and Vincent,

I want you to know that I love you more than I Love life. You have made me happier than anything I have ever known. From the moment that I found out I was pregnant with you, the joy in my heart was something that I had never known. I was going to be a mom and there was nothing else better in this world. I was going to keep you safe and sound and protect you from all the awful things that I have experienced in life. I talk to you all the time about how happy I was when I was pregnant, how I loved to feel you move, and I would sit in my rocking chair for hours talking to you and listening to your little hearts just waiting for the day when I would finally get to hold you. I have told you the stories about getting stuck in the tub, and drinking so much milk and eating green beans and chicken and never any caffeine or anything that I wasn't supposed to eat. I took every single huge pre-natal vitamin, I knew that it was best for you. I told you about that first sonogram and how excited I was and she said well there's two …..TWO BABIES and she asked if I still wanted to know if you were a boy or a girl and I cried and said YES, YES of coarse. And she said well baby A is a girl and baby B is a boy. My heart grew and I knew your names, you were my sweet amazing Vincent and Mariska and I never for one second want you to doubt how much I love you and when I have to tell you this hard truth you need to remember all those conversations and that sparkle in my eye as I remember because I would go through everything all over again to get to be your mom. You make my life worth living, you have made me the person that I am.

I am sure that you have questions that you don't even know how or what to ask. You are asked questions in school, how do you not have a dad ? It takes two people a mom and a dad, and you have made little comments here and there that I have ignored and I am more than sorry. I just didn't know what to say. So it is the time, and I need to share this part of our story , its your story its my story and together we can do this, because you mean the world to me.

I was having a rough time, it was after I had gotten back from going to court in Boston and I just wanted to be normal. I had so much going on and I was lonely and scared And I talked to someone over the internet and we were going to go shopping. He was going to pick me up and I was going to help him. That simple. And he showed up at my house and I realized with in a few minutes, that he had no intention of taking me shopping with him. And he hurt me, he forced me to have sex with him. He raped me. And then he left and two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant with you. And I laid on the floor crying with Rizzo, my dog, I was worried about the kind of mom that I was going to be, but every bone in my body was excited, you made me a mom. He did something terrible , but I got my biggest blessings in the both of you. Once I found out that I was pregnant with you nothing else mattered, what he did, who he was, nothing else mattered I was going to be your mom. And to have you both I would do it again with out a single thought. I don't know the questions that you are going to have for me, but I am here and will answer anything that I can. I want you to know that I am more than sorry, that you have to carry this burden but together we can carry it, you don't have to carry it alone, I will always be your mom and love you more than you can imagine. I am sorry that you don't have a true dad but the three of us are a family and we can do this together, I love you so very very much and you always have to remember that any any time that you need to talk or that you have questions I am here, and will answer anything that I can.  I fear that this will break your heart and that is what scares me the most,I am causing you this pain but I can hold your heart and help you heal you just have to let me. 

Oh my Vincent and Mariska, I love you I love you I love you, I hope you always always know that.

I heart your heart

Rape : More than ugly

 

I avoid this word at every turn. It's ugly, life altering. It means terrible awful things. Its more than painful its devastating. At least for me. It's also something that has touched my life from the time that I was 5 years old. And for the last time when I was 29. I try to not say it, I try to say other words that don't sound so harsh. I try to explain different parts of my life and use more friendly words, words that are gentler to hear, there is my favorite well "he hurt me". That doesn't touch the gravity of the things that have happened. I have had people say; Do you consider it rape? and my first response is to cringe and say that is such an ugly word, and almost blow it off like no big deal. I have told my story and had someone say: Did he rape you? My response was "I don't know. he just didn't listen. But I go on and say," I just kept saying no, that that we were supposed to go shopping but my words and pleas didn't matter. And then I just went away until he was done. Yes, Rape in every sense of the word.  And at 5 , I didn't even know what it was, I knew that it wasn't right, that things hurt me, that crying or gettig sick was not the appropriate response.That is hard to accept. This word hurts my heart so very much. It can be more than violent almost life ending and it can be a simple fact of someone getting what they wanted regardless of your cries and fighting. I learned early that sometimes they are going to get what they want no matter the cost to me, and you don't fight. Sometimes the cost was just so great, that my mind had to disappear, and parts of me have just never made it back. I always try to down play, or say other things that don't sound so awful but the reality of the matter is that Rape has been a part of my life for more years than it hasn't.. And that is why I do some of the things that I do. Not at all am I making excuses for but giving an explanation. I am trying to fight the violence and be a normal mom, and friend and teacher and its exhausting. Because when a person is raped by so many men for so many years it affects all of you, you loose a part of yourself, I have lost parts of me that I can never get back. My soul has been touched by evil in ways that no human should ever know.

I have always said one rape would have been a relief. If it was just my father or just Albert, just Don and them. The fact is that because there were so many, that they all played off each other because my father started so early, a predator like Albert found me an easy target. Whether my father knew that I was being raped by him at the same time that he was I will never know, but I have to say how could he not. A five year old is not made for sex, but it happened nightly by my father, then Albert when ever he got the chance, lots of dreaded weekend trips. I was not a normal little girl, how could I be. Some mornings I woke up to having to hide my bloody underwear in the trash. I would wake up unable to feel my legs, they had a constant tremble from the pain. My little body was so very hurt and there was nothing that I could do to make it better. Those first years were the worst, little bodies just are not made for what all those men wanted. And yet I have trouble with the word rape. I can use the word when its removed from my story. Then I think wait a second that is exactly what happened to me. Rape was the reality of the life that I lived ; its absolutely overwhelming. People ask how did you ever make it ? People say its amazing that I am as capable as I am today and I shrug my shoulders . I can tell you I don't at all feel very capable. You survive because that is all that I knew how to do. I learned so very early to just float away, wait until they were done. Let them get what they wanted then wait for them to leave, then gather yourself try to clean up the mess, and be as normal as possible. THAT WAS MY NORMAL. Try to get at least some sleep and in the morning everything will be normal you will be expected to get up go to school, be a normal student then the process starts again the following night, that was my life. How did I do it, it was just what I had to do, there was no other option for me, giving up was never an option, there were always animals to save me, they soothed my soul, or kids to keep safe there was always someone that needed me and that is why that I made it. There was a drive, a deep pull to make sure this didn't happen to others. Even when I was that small my goal was always keeping others safe, I was never a thought but I was going to keep others safe. I wasn't worth anything but was going to make sure others were.  I could never tell anyone what was happening to me, never explain all that I had endured, but then again no one ever asked.

Sometimes I just try to get it all out, because if I go piece by piece trauma by trauma; rape by rape I fear that I will never be done, never be whole. I fear that my heart would completely cave in.   There are so many layers, so very much for one life to process. And I can ignore the word, pretend that kind of vile word doesn't apply to me but it does; in every aspect of the word, in so very many ways and it scares me. It has changed me, it has hurt me it has taken things away from me that I didn't even realize that I was supposed to have. This word fit’s the things that have happened to me. Some were of the most violent kind, some were not violent, my mind went far away but still rape none the less. My life that I have to recover from.

I am still breathing still fighting, still willing to do whatever necessary to make sure that others are treated differently that others are not ignored and disrespected. I continue to look for meaning in all the things that have happened, these cards that I was dealt. I don't know the meaning but I do believe that I am going to find out, that I am closer than I have ever been. Yes the word rape; it is ugly, more than ugly but I am still me, it has happened I am still me. I have survived many, many and yet all that was taken, stolen destroyed there are pieces that were never touched and those are the pieces that survived. Those are the pieces that I need to build and believe that even through all that happened, I am still worth the good things that life has to offer. I am worth living and being a true survivor, I may not be where I want to be, but I am moving forward. That ugly word hurts like nothing else but I won't let that ugly word win. Yes I have been raped, but I can't let that word win. I can't hide behind the words that I am too scared to face. I have to face it, I just have to. And I am sorry.

I heart your heart

Desperate Aching Wonder

I heard these words in a song the other day and it made me cry. Washington DC was more than amazing more than I ever imagined that I would get to be a part of something so amazing. Something that would give me a voice and my heart is sad. There is a huge piece of my heart that is still there with those amazing people that listened to me ;heard me and cared for my heart. They had an understanding of me and I didn't even have to explain!!!! For someone like me that is more than a miracle. I was understood there, and that is something huge. I wonder if I will really truly be able to make a difference. It's a desperate Aching Wonder, because for me there is a drive to make a difference to make people understand. I want so much for others to understand how people like me see the world, and experience life. People were listening and hearing me there; will they listen to me here ? Will my voice be heard and acknowledged ? Desperate aching wonder yes, yes that is it. I am desperate for my aching heart that I will find a place where I belong where I am understood where I am looked at with kindness and not whoa! That girl is all kinds of crazy. And people don't say it out loud but I feel it, I know and they move away and I think that I have done something terribly wrong. But that’s just me. That’s just them. I see the world different and its hard for others to take the time to understand. I want so much more from myself and from others. I don't want special treatment , I want understanding, I was patience, I want someone to sit with me and let me cry then laugh with me, when its all over. People don't even have to sit with me just let me cry and soon I will be all-right. This trip was a new beginning for me and there are once again so many unknowns. I had a voice and I am terribly afraid of loosing it. I am afraid that here I am going to loose it, my voice is going to fade and once again I will be silent. That fear is incredibly huge. I have had a taste of the freedom that comes with having a voice, of people who look at you and see past the trauma, past even the tears and see the fighter that I have been my entire life. There are a few people like that in different states and I need more of that. I don't want people to see me and think oh poor thing, I want people to say I am so very sorry that happened what can I do. How can I help, what can I do to make a difference. No matter how loud that my voice gets, I can not change things for me, the things that have happened to me are there for life, I have hope that the pain will lessen, that happens with the right people but I will never make those pictures in my head totally go away. But I have the power to make things different for others and I will not stop, as huge as a task as that is, I WILL NOT STOP. I can't , I couldn't stop if I tried.

And again I am starting with a new counselor, he is a genuine good guy, born in Boston went to Yale. He knows his stuff, he is laid back and kind, I don't scare him at least not yet, and that is a good thing, I really think that he is going to help me in these next steps of my journey. Its time that I figure out these last pieces, that I really work on me as a person not just the person I was but the woman that I want to be today. When I am around these people, these people that care and understand and hear me truly hear me ;I see different parts of me come out that I like, that isn't so weighed down by all the things that have happened. There are some things that I will always do different, but I have to find a way to do things that fit with the person I want to be today and not the person that I was. Gosh, I do hope that this makes sense. It was my last day in DC and Valerie asked what do you want for you, and the question took me by surprise. I am not sure. I want my own place, my own home for my children. I know that I want my own classroom I want a full time Job in a class with my own kids, but for me just me ? I want to belong somewhere, I want to fit in somewhere. My new counselor asked what about a relationship is that something that I want ? And I don't know, part of me can't ever imagine someone loving me like that. And another part says Yes, Yes, Yes I do want that someday. I want to be special to someone, I want there to be a guy out there that loves all the crazy little things about me and can laugh when I say save the whales, and will help that single mom whose little one needs a friend, and who can listen to my heart and hold it so gentle knowing its one of those days and tomorrow will be better. I want those things for myself. I want to be skinny again. And that scares the absolute shit out of me I can't even tell you. In my head being skinny means being hurt and I can never be hurt like I have been ever again. I would not make it, I would not. In my head I know how very crazy that is, but its going to take my heart some time to catch up, being skinny doesn't mean I will be hurt but my mind has made that connection and I have to break it and make new connections. You have no idea how hard that , this is. Food was my friend, people were never there, food was. People said I was beautiful, well then lets just eat a little more so I won't be beautiful and I won't be hurt. Yea, just the tip of the iceberg on this one. There is so much that is intertwined, that I have to pick apart. Its about being comfortable in my own skin, its about being present in my own body and I can tell you close to 90% of the time I am not. Yes, lots of things to work on. There are still parts of me that feel like that little kid that is scared to death of EVERYTHING. There are things that I do reactions that I have to things that come directly from the five year old that had to grow up too fast. There was no fun, no just do something because you feel like it. I have to learn to have fun for me, and I don't even know what that looks like. I have to look at and figure out what it is that I want and go for it. And finding my voice is a big part of that. I know that no matter what relationship that I am in, or what size that I am or what friends that I have I will always still be crazy Sherri past and all and that has to be ok for me. I can't hate on the person that I was that I have been, I survived, I survived oh so much and there are reasons why I do the things that I do. But its also time to do things different. Figure out where I need to go from here, how can I grow, change and become that woman that I so want to be but am scared to death to find. She is under the weight, under the trauma, under the thoughts of what every one always said that I was, What am I ? Who am I? What in the world do I want for myself ? So its with Desperate aching Wonder that I am about to start a new journey and figure it all out. I can guarantee its going to be rocky, there are going to be good days and I am sure not so great days, but I am sure that each day I will be further than I was the day before and in the end someone is going to emerge and those special people that get me even today will go, "oh there she is we always knew she was in there". And they will give me a hug. Yes, that is the moment that I am most looking forward too.

I heart your heart.

My face

A persons face is an important thing. It can tell us so much. Are they gentle, kind, are they happy or sad. The eyes; you can see so much in a persons eyes. I have realized lately that a few of the most meaningful moments in my life had to do with my face. It was some one touching my face, it was someone showing such caring kindness and I felt important. I mattered, I was seen. It was someone looking at me truly looking at me and seeing me. I felt like I mattered, I was a person to them I was important. Even in movies I love when characters are talking and one person will put their hands on a persons face such a nurturing gesture, I have always said I will know the person I am going to marry by that touch. I know crazy, but that is how important that it is. Not that I am there, or anything I may never ever be but if I do I will be sure in how he touches my face. I know crazy, but I am me.

We all know that my story growing up wasn't at all pretty I always felt ugly less then , I was never worth anything. People didn't look at me and truly see me, they saw what I could do. How I could make them happy.  My face was hurt , my mouth was made to do things, My eyes saw things that no person should ever see . I never remember people looking at me like I was important like I mattered, I wasn't looked at with that look of love, just that kind gentle look when someone is really important I never got that., I was never valued or treated with respect. I never had someone touch my face nicely, I never had someone look at my face , and their eyes smile just because I was me. My face was only good for giving people what they wanted. And for lying, having to smile and pretend that everything was ok.

After this trip to DC and I was shocked at how important it was when some one gently kindly touched my face. The emotions were crazy. I didn't understand why it was such a big deal but I have been writing so much lately, with so many tornadoes swirling in my head and I finally figured it out. Because my face was never important never valued and I have had three people in my life that have looked at me different that looked at me like no one has looked at me my entire life. They looked at me like I mattered.  The little five year old whose life was stopped with so much abuse, is being heard and she  feels like she matters.

The first person was Andy. Some have said that he doesn't count that he was a monster but I don't see him that way. He saved me, he was the reason that I didn't curl up and die when I was gang raped at 13. Yes he was one of the five but he was also the only kindness that I saw that terrible day. He saw me, the other four never saw me. I was nothing to them I was something to be used, but to Andy I was a person and he was sorry, there were times in my shame that he looked away he couldn't' handle the things that were happening to me he didn't want to be there to be a part of it but he was and I will never understand those reasons, why he was involved with them but he was different. The day had been going on for some time. It was hellish indescribable. They had brought me into my brothers room they said they all wanted some private time, I will never understand why. They were brutal, I will never speak some of the things that were done in that room. I wasn't a human, I was no longer a little girl. I was dying in that room, I wanted the next person to kill me get it over with, I didn't want to live. I think part of me wondered if I was already dead . I was trying so hard to comprehend the things that had gone on, why they were still there, why so many turns, why why why. I was lying there naked on the floor, shaking, I knew someone was going to walk through the door, this time it was Andy, I absolutely freaked out, when he touched me , I screamed like my life was ending , like his hands were blades; I thought he was there for his turn like all the others. I am not even sure if I knew it was him it was another body that was going to hurt me terribly. Only he was not. He was gentle, kind, he told me that he was sorry, that I would be ok, I am not sure that my brain could even comprehend what he was saying after going through what it did. He kept telling me it was ok, he wasn't going to hurt me, when I realized that he wasn't going to take his turn, I sobbed, someone saw me and the condition that I was in. I held on to him for dear life. He covered my shivering body, he wiped off my face, at least for those moments in that room with him I got a break from all that had gone on that day. He was my safety, he took care of me. Once he put his hands on my face and said its ok I am not going to hurt you. In those moments I am not sure that I believed him but I needed too. I was grateful. There were a few times during that day, that I just wanted to see him make eye contact so at least I knew that I was still a real live person and that everything was going to be ok. He saw me, he put his hands on my face and told me I was ok. I was 13.

Next time I was 39. It was my graduation and I got a hug from someone and they looked at me they saw me. Maybe even they were proud of me and I felt it all. I felt those things. The way that he looked at me, I mattered. And I got a hug and he gently kissed my cheek. What, me are you sure you want to do that, it was the most perfect gentle moment. No one ever gave me a kiss like that. And on my cheek, my face that I hated that was so disgusting but they didn't see it the way that I did. And it meant the world and at that moment nothing else mattered. And I don't even have many words to describe it, it was so perfect and a moment that I am going to hold in my heart forever. I mattered, and I was truly seen. Someone was proud of me. For someone to finally get that message, at 39 was more than amazing, it was greatness. No one ever looked at me like that. My father only looked at me with such disgust and hate and contempt and to be that old and have someone look at you, with nothing but good things, it's a feeling that I truly can give you only a glimpse at because I can't even get my own head around those moments. I felt like wow this much be what its like to be a little five year old girl who is getting everything she ever wanted. That’s what it was like; like I was getting everything I ever wanted only I wasn't that little girl that was hated anymore. I was me at 39 and even all the terrible things that happened someone was able to look at me and see me, not all the terrible things.

And the last time was a few short weeks ago. When I finally came to the realization why these moments were so very important to me. Because there is a huge part of me that still feels like that scared hurt five year old. I know I shouldn't but I often do. She never got any of the things that she needed she was never told that she was amazing that she was precious, that she mattered, that she was important. She never got that gentle touch to let her know that she was safe and sound. She was never important enough, cared for enough. It was after we filmed for the documentary, My brain was swirling, I felt everything and nothing all at the same time. And I was given a hug and he gently , so gently touched my cheek and said the most amazing things to my heart that went straight to the five year old that feels so dirty and unlovable. And he cried, and I cried and I didn't ever want that to end. Someone once again saw me, not all the terrible things that had happened, not the things that my face had done or been. They saw me all of me and what I was today, what I felt was exactly perfect. I felt like I mattered, I was important enough for someone to care and be gentle and be kind. Oh my heart, my heart grew and there was a piece that will never be the same, that piece will be something much better.

Oh how those things make a difference. Oh how little ones want to be looked at like they are all that matters in the world I know there are more important things out there than me and what I believe and what I have survived. But those moments are the moments that heal; they are the moments that bring me that much closer to me being able to be kind to myself and be able to embrace the little five year old that I once was. If these people can see me and wish things were different. If they can see me and not see what has happened. I should be able to do the same and I sure hope that , that is exactly where I am headed, and that in the end, everything will be ok. Someday I will really truly be ok.  Now finally at 40 years old I am learning and getting the things that I never got as a little girl.  I am learning the important things, Andy is not a forever person but I am grateful for him still. The other two are people that have more than made an impact, on my heart and soul they have showed me things I didn't even know that I longed for.  Things are getting better, I am learning, and that little five year old that stopped living, that stopped growing at such a tender age will slowly catch up to the person that I am becoming today. We will make it because that is what we do and we have forever people to help us.     

 

I heart your heart.  

  

How it all started with a message and a movie

It all started back in January. I kept seeing a movie popping up in my news feed on Face book. Pursuit of Truth, talking about child sexual abuse. I tried to ignore it, it kept coming back, I finally watched the trailers and I would cry and cry. I finally got the courage and ordered the video, and it sat on my shelf for some time and that is so unlike me, but I just couldn't watch it yet, it was too close to home. Then one day, the kids were at school I was doing laundry cleaning up and it was time. It was time to watch the movie that was going to change things for me, only I didn't know just how at the time.

I kept myself busy during most of the movie watching bits and pieces, then I sat and watched the end, and the tears would not stop. This movie hit a cord with me, it was something phenomenal that I couldn't believe someone cared enough to give a voice too. So I found the movie on Face book and I sent a message to the Director. Little did I know that I would get a response. I thanked her, said that I was so tired of the silence and asked what I could do. With in the day I got a message back asking me what I felt that I needed and how she could best help me…..I cried when I got the message back from her. Pressing charges on my father was something that was a huge part of me and someone was talking about it, someone was giving it a voice, from the very beginning she heard me and listened. I told her just very briefly about my case how I was treated what the outcome was . I told her that I needed to do something that I wanted my story to mean something, and for the things that happened to me to make a difference for others. I told her that I want so much for people to understand how important that this is. And again I got a response saying how she totally gets it !! OH MY really someone who gets the urgency who understands where I am and what I am talking about ???? She said that is why she is working on getting those stories out there, she gave me her email and asked if I would send her my story?? What someone wants to hear my story…YES absolutely, again I told her there has to be meaning in all that has happened to me, and I thanked her for hearing me and listening. All of this with in two days. January 21 and 22. The days that started it all, that I am grateful for.

I wrote out the short version of my story, I apologized over and over for there being so much, and I sent her the email with my story. And the last line I wrote I would love to hear from you, I would love to speak with you and know how I can be a voice. And that night I got a response and she asked if I would be available to talk on the phone …And we did, and it was more than amazing, and I cried I cried a lot, someone really understood, someone cared enough to understand. And she asked if I would be willing to tell my story on film, who me, but I was nobody?! I was sitting out front, talking to a women over a thousand miles away that heard me and understood and wanted me to tell my story. I was excited, I was in shock I was a nobody why was she talking to me?? She asked if I would speak with another producer an attorney. I said why yes of coarse. With in a few days I spoke with Neil and he was the most amazing person. He was talking about the legal side, and we went back and forth and I just couldn't understand the system and why I wasn't listened too, I didn't want to hang up the phone really. I told him some of the things that happened and how I was treated in my case and he said there was no reason for being treated like that at all…and I was shocked I thoughts that is what I deserved, to be doubted, to be judged. Such understanding coming from someone I didn't even know!



Then January 28, I got an email from Valerie, It was titled from Neil after speaking with you….

"Sherri Deserves all the validation that we can give her. She essentially did all of this on her own, with out real support or guidance. She had no idea how to navigate through the legal system but was driven by the need to protect little Angela. Even now she does not understand the extent of her unselfishness and courage. Her voice and her story deserve to be heard. " What who me, it made me cry, I was just doing the right thing, just trying to make things better for others, my heart my heart was understood….I was validated, they were not telling me to be quiet, or ignoring they were listening and doing something.

　

These two people understood where I was coming from!!! People often think I am crazy, that I am dragging my past out that I am not letting it go, and maybe there are parts of that that are true, there are parts that I hold onto but the biggest part is that I want people to listen to me and my story and to do things differently, to treat survivors better, to listen and protect others! I am sure that I am going to spend my life sharing my story so that others will understand, so that others will be treated better than I was.

So through the months there were many emails and conversations, I was proud that I was going to get to be a part of something that was so incredibly amazing!! Finally it came down to nailing down dates for filming. I think that somewhere in the back of my mind, I wasn't sure this was real that this happening, the entire time, I doubted myself my experiences, my truth and they were so encouraging, so positive letting me know that these things happen through out the system and that’s why they want to give people like me a voice.

We were looking at different dates, calendars looking to find a time where all schedules would come together so we could make this happen. I came up with a few dates, then we would go back and forth and then finally an email with dates from the cinematographer, and when he was busy and when he was available. And we had a date May 21, 2015. And that was perfect, we would film on Friday May 22, which was 15 years to the day that I took a plea and my case was over. This was going to be a very important date. It may have been ignored 15 years ago but it would not be ignored this day.

I was a little nervous, I was doubtful of myself that I wouldn't get my point across or say the right things or that my story was worth it , that my story was worth having a voice, people in my everyday want me to shut up, they don't want to hear about it. Most people , not all, but most that I am around would rather I shut up and smile than acknowledge the seriousness of this issue, the seriousness of the issue to me in my life.

And it was set dates were set hotels were booked and I was scared,  I was excited and I was going to get a chance to share my story , to make it mean something for others but hopefully for me too. And the date got closer and closer. There was a strange calm. I was ready for this, I wanted to have a voice, and what other way to do it, then on film, I mean go big or go home and I was going big. There would be no more hiding for me, this was going to be one of the most important things I have ever done. This was on the top of the list with being a mom and graduating school .

So I woke up May 21 about 3 am to crazy rain, lightning and thunder. I kind of laughed, I was looking out the window, and thinking well this is how my life started; how fitting for it to be storming. I just wanted to make sure that my flight was on time and that we got to DC exactly when we were supposed to. My sweet friend Betty was here at 4:45 in the pouring stormy rain to pick us up and it was perfect. We loaded the luggage and I gave her a hug and thanked her; my heart felt full. The tears were welling, this was going to be big, today was the day that things would be different. She understood why I was going and just how very important that this was to me. She had a journal and card for me which I didn't dare open before we got to the airport for fear that the tears would start. I held it close to my heart and was grateful. The ride there could not have been more perfect. Even with the crazy storms, the day started out exactly as it should have been.

We got to the air port in plenty of time, we got through security no problem at all. The kids were so excited the pure Joy on their faces as the plane took off was priceless. I just watched them, soaking it all in, a first for them to be on a plane and all thanks to Valerie, I was grateful. There were a few text messages from Valerie, life in those moments was more than surreal. I was traveling to tell my story I was believed, valued and my story mattered. The flight was awesome and went by super fast. I thought I saw them through the window waiting and my insides were doing flip flops, I was here, I was really here. I have to say that I do not move very fast but that seat belt was off, luggage was out of the overhead bins in a matter of seconds, and we were out of the plane. Then Mariska decided to leave her Jacket on the plane, so we stop she goes to get it meanwhile I just want to see my people. I have been talking to them for months and it was finally happening. And there around the corner I saw Valerie and Neil. I am not sure what the feelings were, it was excitement, it was doubt in my worth being there, it was the hope that this trip was going to mean things that I couldn't even comprehend.

I saw Valerie and she put her arms out to give me a hug, finally we were meeting, I introduced her to the kids and she said that she was going to take them that Carlos was waiting with the camera, and Dianne who I hadn't seen in say close to 14 years. I gave Neil a hug, the kindness was beaming and I knew that I was in the right place.

Neil took my "bag" that had all my court papers and journals, and it was the joke of the trip, that "BAG". That bag carried my life, there were so many thoughts and feelings and emotions in that bag, carrying it felt better, then there was a reason for the weight of my story. SO Neil took my bags and I kept walking and finally I was able to see Dianne. It was perfect it had been so long. The last time that I saw her was in the courthouse where I had to testify. It felt like so long ago , but at the same time like it was yesterday. There was so much that we wanted to say questions that we wanted to ask, and yet there really were no words. She got to meet my children and the journey had begun. Carlos was the camera guy at the airport, he was also so very kind. Their was a softness in their eyes, that was so welcoming.

I felt like I was dreaming, there was so much that I wanted to say. So much that I wanted to talk about and things were just perfect. We took the scenic route out of the airport and ended up where all the cabs were, we laughed and it was perfect. Valerie met with Neil at her office, and we went out for lunch. It was cool, and misty outside, Perfect, just perfect. I was soaking it all in, watching, I am honestly not sure what all of the conversation was. But my heart was happy, I was content and I didn't have to look over my shoulder. That feeling that I get when ever I leave Texas. I was safe and cared for and that’s all I really want. My thoughts were spinning, I wanted to hold on to everyone and never let go. I was in DC and people cared and they were ready to listen. Lunch was awesome, I was in awe of the people sitting in front of me, that they were choosing to make something so hard be heard, that they cared enough to take such time for me, I was more than a little overwhelmed. After lunch we went to the hotel to drop our things off and get situated. Valerie and Neil said that they would keep "THE BAG" and look through everything. Wow, that was strange my life was in that bag, so much feeling and emotion and trauma, seriously my life was in that bag and it was gone. If I was there and looking through it and could explain some of it you know. I think I feared that it would be too much that they might hate me , that they might think I was totally crazy, the raw emotions of my art journals, I was scared. It felt more then strange not having them and knowing that people I had just met had my life in their hands. I was feeling a little lost. We went upstairs the kids and I checked out the hotel, we had an awesome Balcony. Things were very surreal, I felt good , I felt things I have never felt before. With all of that there was a calmness in my heart. We just chilled out, Dianne came to our room and we talked some and got caught up a little I ordered Pizza for our dinner, things were just peaceful. And my first day in DC was coming to a close. I tried to journal and no words would come. I knew that tomorrow was going to be a huge day for me. I didn’t know what it was going to be like but I knew that it was going to be huge for me.

Of coarse that night there was no sleeping for me, sleep has never been my favorite, and this night there were too many things running through my head. The weight and seriousness of what I was going to be doing were heavy on my heart. I wanted this to make such a difference, I wanted to make people understand. I also knew that 15 years to the day, is when my case was finally over and they took a plea. For that I have always felt so awful, that I didn't push it just a little more. I received a few texts from Valerie, and she was so calming so positive. There was a peace, she knew me and there was no judgment just genuine kindness and my soul felt that. I received a few more texts from people that they were thinking about me that I would do amazing. I was grateful for them and wondered if they weren't all crazy, they seemed so sure that I was going to do amazing, but I was not. When I did finally go to sleep there were the nightmares and restlessness, But soon the sun would come up, the clouds would have cleared and I would be sharing my story.

I was up early, took my shower, hoping for a good hair day, wanting this day to mean so much. This day 15 years ago was not far from my mind for a second. I was more than alone in my own shell 15 long years ago and not one person in the world had a clue what I was going through. We went and had breakfast in the hotel. Me I was not eating, I wasn't sure that my stomach would hold anything, it was dancing and had butterflies. My ulcers were killing me! I was convinced that I wasn't going to cry, that I was going to be strong, and tell my story. Nothing at all turned out the way that I had planned or thought about in my head. We got a text from Valerie, saying they were ready. I was calm on the outside saying ok we are just finishing breakfast. But in side I wanted to yell at everyone to hurry, that they were waiting on us and we needed to leave NOW! But I didn't, and everyone finished their breakfast. We took the hotel van across the street and were ready to start the day.

It was a little overwhelming walking in the room, there were lights and cameras, and people oh so many people I felt like the room was packed!!!! They had the kids and I sit down and took some pictures I signed a release. Everyone introduced themselves. The kindness in the room was unbelievably overwhelming. All these people had come together for me to hear my story. These people believed me and believed that I had something to say, that I deserved to have a voice ! Even writing that, oh gosh its more than powerful. We took the kids to a room down the hall while we were taping, and I did worry but I also knew that they would be fine. Valerie came over to me and said that since the film was about the justice system the focus was going to be on the case and all that involved, that there wasn't a need to focus on all the other abuse. I think I was relieved, that was still so overwhelming and one piece at a time was more than enough. Neil came and sat by me on the couch and I am sure what he said was important, though I do not remember a word of what he said, but it was calming, reassuring and so respectful. They wanted to make sure that I was ok. Ha they wanted to make sure that I was ok, what more could a person want in life! They went over how it would work the questions that they would ask, how I was to answer them, not what to say but just restating the question since Neil's voice would not be in the documentary. I was only aware of the cameras for a short time, then they seemed to disappear and it was me and my story in a room of people that were listening that were hearing that cared for my heart, that wanted to make a difference. WOW, I was taking in each and every second.

They had me start talking about the abuse and I honestly am not sure what I said or how I said it, I didn't want to give too much detail and didn't want people to think it was no big deal, so I will see soon enough, Right…. Some of the interview I went on complete automatic, there were so many things that I wanted to say, and I cried and I cried a lot. And what did I think I was not going to do!!! Well I did, but it was the kind of healing cry, it was the wow a lot has happened I have been through a lot but wow I am still here, I am doing this so others won't have to go through the things that I have. Healing tears yes they were healing tears. I am not sure how long that we had been taping but they kept making sure that I was ok, asking if I needed a break. I went to check on my kids, they were perfect. Part of me was doing this for them too. That someday they would be proud of me that they would understand so much more about me. So that they always have a voice. There was one time, I had to ask for a break, the realization that they, the entire justice system didn't really listen to me back then that was really hard. Valerie came and sat next to me on the couch hugging me, she was there with me in that sadness and I am more than thankful, she was caring for my heart she was caring for that little five year old that didn't have a voice all those years ago. And she was giving me one today 35 years later. If they would have listened to me it would have kept Angela safe. That was more than rough. Once I was crying, I was so in the moment talking and sharing and I looked up and everyone else was crying right there with me. I am not even sure that I can explain in words what that meant. I have had a few people cry with me in my lifetime that felt my pain and sorrow and it was more than powerful. For me in that moment, sharing my soul with these people in that room, meant more than I could ever possibly try to explain. They saw me like no one else. They asked the right questions.  I always categorize the abuse as big things and little things.  And Valerie asked like what, I felt myself gliding past her question, this was  hard one I felt the shame building, yes these things happened and my heart they were all really big things.  But they didn't see the victim, they didn't see the abuse , that is what made it so powerful they saw the strong woman that fought with all that she had, they saw the scared little girl that couldn't tell they saw me all of me and that is one of those things that a person just can not explain. I felt more love, respect, tenderness, kindness in that room and I was peaceful. Even Jim the camera guy came up to me and thanked me for sharing for making a difference, and put his hand on me, and I held his hand. And I can tell you touch 99 percent of the time is not a good thing for me. I hate to be touched, it still scares me sometimes. But people were putting their hands on me as support saying you are brave, you have this, you are going to be ok you are making a difference, and that is something I am going to carry forever from this trip. I felt so very loved and cared for.

And in the process they asked about my victim impact statement. And I had always felt that it really didn't mean much. I was asked to write one and send it to the Da's office but I never got to read it, never showed anyone it was just there, I felt like it was a formality write this but it doesn't matter ….But they had me read it…they had me read my statement….and unbelievable, it was powerful it was strong. I think in reading it I realized that they all tried to silence me over and over but they didn't take my voice and sitting on that couch 15 years to the day that I felt so alone, that he wasn't going to get any jail time, that I wasn't listened to; I read that victim impact statement to a room full of people that mattered the most, I felt every word that I spoke in that statement and there was a certain relief. I felt heard, believed and listened too, that was good for my heart. Taping was over before we knew it….I was spent, so much emotion so much feeling. It was better than I ever imagined and harder than I imagined. It was meant to be, I was meant to be with these people, I was meant to tell my story.

We went out to Eat at the Cheesecake factory after filming, and it was perfect, I was enjoying the people; in my head , well it was spinning, It felt like there were thousands of little tornadoes swirling round in my head. I was looking at the menu but not really seeing anything, I was listening and yet not hearing a thing. I was in a fog, a deep fog. All that I had spoken was huge and there were so many emotions I didn't have a clue what I was doing or where to start. And Neil got a message this his second grandson was on his way two weeks early!!!  That was perfect I was so excited for him and he came later that night.

I carried my "BAG" from filming to the restaurant , it was my life, and I was feeling the heaviness. Everyone kept offering to help but this was my life, I was going to carry it. We ordered dessert to go, and we left for the hotel. There were so many emotions in my head, so much wanted to come out and yet I didn't have a clue how to even start…..We got to the hotel and we were unloading….And we had to say our goodbye's to Neil he would probably be leaving on an early flight to see the new grand baby. I was more than excited for him, and so sad for me I wasn't ready to say goodbye. And I went to give him a hug and with tears in his eyes he said you are my hero, and the emotion I just couldn't hold back anymore, the words that he said, he meant them and he gently touched my face again so gentle just how he looked at me, I don't have the words and can't it explain it. I have only felt that two other times in my entire life! I felt important in that moment, I felt worth , I felt so much worth. I will remember that moment FOREVER, it still makes me cry and I don't want to ever forget that feeling. And I gave everyone else a hug and said more goodbye's, and walked in to the hotel and the sadness began to overflow, Why couldn’t I have had a nice dad like that ? The pain, the sorrow, the joy to have these people near there was so much.

On the balcony realizing so much May  22, 2015 

I went back to my room and I went to the balcony and balled my eyes out. Just the fact that my life was my life all the things that had led me to this point… All of them….I hated them but with out them I would not have gotten to know these amazing people….emotions and thoughts were on overload, I cried, I walked around the room. Sweet Vincent went downstairs and bought me a drink. I was walking in circles and I wasn't sure which way was up. Mariska had fallen asleep, and Vincent and I ate that amazing cake standing on the balcony, for the moment it made me forget everything and I more than enjoyed that amazing chocolate cake. I tried to write in my journal and there were no words….I talked to the kids some, they had questions about my life.  I talked to them about why I was doing this why it was important, and I cried some more. I finally laid down and slept for a little while, then I took the kids swimming. It gave me some time to think, to process the day and they got to swim and be the eleven year olds that I never got to be. We were down there for hours, more tears, I was just feeling the moments of the day. I was already missing these people, I felt blessed too be chosen, I felt loved. We didn't even eat dinner that night, there was nothing left of me and after eating that late lunch no one was really very hungry anyway. The kids feel peacefully to sleep, and I replayed the day and the kindness that I was shown, and the amazing people that I met. As sad as this moment was , I was meant to be here I made it and there was a reason that I had made it.

Valerie kept texting me and every time that she did I would smile, she knew me even in the short time that we had spent together. She knew my heart, I was grateful. We made plans to go to breakfast with Valerie and MJ in the morning before we headed into DC to take a tour on an open air bus and see all the sights that DC had to offer. The weather was amazing, a high of 73 , breezy and sunny, it could not have been a better day. I needed the rest. It was peaceful, it was calm, I enjoyed the fresh air, and seeing the city, watching the people. But I missed Valerie, there were so many things that I wanted to talk to her about, so many things that I wanted to say to her. I found out later Valerie stayed even stayed close to care for my heart that is a person who knew my soul. We finally found the right subway back. Another first for my kids. I totally annoyed the attendant, we couldn't quite figure out how to put the ticket in, I laughed and asked can't tell we haven't done this before right ??? She said YEA not even looking at me, she as not amused….oh well……We made it home and we were exhausted, my eyes still burning from the tears of the last few days, and I already didn't want to go back. Going back wasn't my home, I wanted to be home a place where I belonged. I haven't quite found where home is, where its time I plant my roots.

Again not much sleep, but better, I slept a continuous 4 hours WOOHOO, that was an improvement. Got a few texts from Valerie, she asked if we wanted to do breakfast and asked if we wanted to sleep in or go to rolling thunder ? Yes, that only happens once a year we can sleep anytime, this was special and it gave me more time to soak in having Valerie support and care for me. Rolling thunder is a parade that is for Memorial Day and its thousands and thousands of motorcycles, that all travel first to the pentagon, then on to the memorial wall for the big celebrations. Yes this was exactly how I wanted to spend my last morning in DC. I got an amazing email from Neil, I don't think he even has a clue how important he is to me, how much that his words and actions meant to me on this trip. I loved him, I love him I truly do. Another forever person in my life. I missed him, after breakfast we made it back to the hotel. Valerie said that she was going to get a cab to take us to the airport there was a part of me that was sad, I wanted to spend every possible moment with her. I also understood that we didn't know what the traffic was going to be like since it was the Sunday before Memorial Day.

When we got back after breakfast I had Mariska run upstairs and get her gift. A little tree planted in a heart with three branches. A branch for me Valerie and Neil and all planted in a heart yes this was perfect. These people cared more for my heart than I ever would have imagined. I loved them, oh how I loved them. They knew me, they truly saw me in those few short days, I felt so understood, I felt special, I felt like I mattered. And I thought Valerie was going to give me a hug and then leave but we sat on the couch in the lobby and we talked and talked. And I could try to tell you all that it meant, but there would never be enough paper. She was talking about what I want about my future, about what my plans were, how brave and strong that I was. She said that she stayed up all night reading my journals and finding out, who I was.  To take that time, anyone who knows me knows how very important my art journals are.   We laughed we cried we swore. I felt like I had known her forever. This most amazing women that I sent a simple message too and she responded with nothing but concern and kindness was now a forever person. We shared from our hearts, she heard mine, I heard hers, so many things in common, she understood me, with out any explanation. I love her, oh I love her. And it was time to say goodbye and it worked out for the best. The tears were flowing, my time in DC was coming to an end. I had learned so many many things. And she went to leave but forgot the little tree for Neil, when we caught her outside Vincent took one last picture, and it’s a favorite.

 

 

 



   I am still trying to process these most amazing four days.  I was loved.  I was special.  I mattered and my heart was full. I cried, I felt so much more than I ever expected.  I was true, I was me.   All the times that I didn't believe I was strong enough or smart enough, or good enough I think if I can have a voice, I have done good things, I will make a difference for others.  I had a voice these 4 days and its my job now to deal with the things I have left to deal with and turn these boulders into stones.  With the help of these people I am well on my way, some things in life are meant to happen.  This was meant to be, I was meant to do this. 

This is absolutely another favorite picture.  I was surrounded by these people that I had just shared my story with, they saw my sorrow and my fears but through it all they saw me.  And they encircled me and warmly kindly ,gently put their hands on me, such a huge deal. I don't ever want to forget that feeling in that moment . The feeling of being encircled with love.  So supported and loved.  I mattered, the themes for me.  Maybe now I can start believing them. 

One last thing I promise a quote that I found at the Smithsonian that says it all  :

I am realizing the road that I have traveled, and its about time that I figure out where I am going.

 

I heart your heart.

 

This one is for you Valerie and Neil. Don't forget me.  

   

So much

 I am not even sure where to begin. But I know that there is a need to write I don't want to forget the things that are in my head, the feelings I have. My head is spinning every hour of everyday lately. And I keep saying is happening, it's really happening! I get angry, sad, frustrated disappointed, challenged, let down, overwhelmed, excited, elated, grateful, so many many feelings Things are changing, I am growing I am thinking I am healing I am seeing things I have never seen before. In less than two weeks I am flying to DC; I keep saying that, keep writing that not believing that I was chosen , that my story matters that my story will speak to people and I hope it will affect people, I want people to do things differently. I feel like this is going to be a game changer for me. A friend of mine said like putting a flag on top of a mountain after a long hard taxing climb, this is my flag. My time my Victory. I want this to be my victory dance, my time to be kind to myself about where I have been and realize that, there is much more to me than the things I have been through. I can not change the things that have happened, I can not make them different, I can not even as hard as I try understand them. There is just no understanding evil. The only thing that I can do is give, make a difference and drop the hate and shame that I carry in my bones. That is easier said than done but even in the acknowledgement there is strength. I know the right words in my head, I know there was nothing I could have done, I know in my head it all wasn't my fault, but my heart needs some time to catch up, I have a ways to go with this heart of mine, and these next steps will all be in the right direction. There is still so much hurt in my heart, because I hold on to what if, if only, what could have been, all the butts if I was just different, just acted different just fought more but my heart needs to see what I know the truth is in my head. This is my time, time to share, time to grow, time to be loved and know I am going to be ok. I am looking forward to sharing and making a difference. There were not people around to make a difference for me to hold my heart and I crave that for others; For children for survivors , I can hold their hearts.

I get upset that I don't have more people, that people don't understand. When actually the people that I do have are the people that matter. And honestly I don't think I am sure sometimes what it is I want. I want people to understand things that are beyond normal life experience, and that is not fair at times. Sometimes I want people to talk to me to ask questions and yet I shut down. I want people to be there and yet I won't let them. No one ever said that I wasn't complicated , so sorry my friends. I want to be able to talk about the things that are important to me and it's coming, things are changing and I believe it's coming for me. I need a best friend and that's something that you can't just ask for, snap your fingers and it appears its something that has to happen, that I want. I need one of those, a best friend. But I can be the same for them too. I am forty I need one of those, here's to hoping it happens.

I have such hope in the things that are happening in the next few weeks. I am hoping that there in DC my heart gets some of what its looking for. A break, A big break, a soft place to cry, a soul connection that you just don't find everyday, that is what I am missing in the everyday. I think I even found a piece of that in a bible study that I just completed. I think I cried every single meeting, because there was no need for words just an understanding at times, I need that. When people make a comment and your heart kinda stops because YEA!!! THAT'S EXACTLY what its like, and there is no need for explanation. YES YES I need more connection and not just the once in awhile kind, the soul kind. And I have said before I need someone to come beside me and help me along. I have done this journey of life on my own for so long, I need someone helping me along, and I also know that is so much to ask for, maybe too much but I can not do this on my own either anymore. I need someone to hold my hand and say come on you can do this, come on come on. And being 40 I shouldn't need that but I do, For the next years of my life I need that like I need air to breathe. You know like that little kid on the soccer field that keeps looking to his parents that has no clue what to do next,where to kick the ball,or even which way to go,yep, that.  I may be 40 but that is me, a big part of me is still that kid on the field and I need people on my side pointing advising helping me along and getting the goal. I never had that and I need it. People see me the 40 year old that is a mom and is always smiling I promise you next time you see a little out on a soccer field that is me on the inside, I need lots of direction, I just didn't learn many things that I should have and I have to play catch up all the time.

I have felt a little selfish lately which is a terrible thing in my book, but I have, there are things that I want and I need in this life that I have to work for and going to DC is something that is the next huge piece of my life. I have shared my story some I have been to counseling, I have done so many things to heal but there has always been something that has been missing. I have had amazing people ; there was always that hush behind me like oh I wish she wouldn't talk about "that" or they cringe and walk the other way or just step away all together. I have met people that want it talked about that want things to change; that see just how very different that things should be for others like me for thousands of others that we come in contact with all the time. There are just so many feelings and its time that  honor them and not ignore. 

Talking to the people in DC , Neil and Valerie there is an understanding a genuineness that I can not understand but am grateful for. I am a little nervous just with the unknown but I am more than ready, I am hoping that this will be the piece that I have been looking for. I am sure its not a cure all but it’s a piece that I hope will make some little pieces all fit together. I am the scarecrow there are pieces of me everywhere and I need all my pieces in DC, all the pieces that are broken and ugly, especially the pieces that are shattered and stained; and needy and scarred all of those pieces are going to be there, things are coming together, and I am going to be me, speak the truth and people are going to listen.

This is for me. Rachel Platten The fight Song

 

I heart your heart