This day I will have

Well this month there are a million and one things that are running through my mind.  I am trying to juggle everything and many days it just IS NOT working. I cried all the way home from school the other night, I just want to do it right, make all the right decisions.  This is just a rough time.  Its the end of a semester, beginning of school, End of Summer, Starting of student teaching, Mariska's surgery.  Its a LOT LOT LOT a whole lot in itself.  Then there is the month....This is August.  Soon it will be the 22 of the month, and my heart is heavy but so hopeful .

These are more for Vincent and Mariska , so they know how very much they are loved.  From the moment that I found out I was pregnant the joy, the love, the excitement was something more than amazing.  Oh I was so sick, I had morning sickness morning , noon, and night.  I can remember standing in line in wal-mart for saltines and ginger ale and I was just dying for someone to ask if I was expecting. Of coarse you couldn't tell yet ,at two weeks along,  but oh I was beaming.  It was one of those moments that you just don't forget.  I stood there in line, smiling from ear to ear I was going to be a mom, and there was nothing better.  I remember the isle, everything, it was like everything was in slow motion, and I felt my belly and I remember thinking, this is real I am going to be a mom, I have a wonderful amazing baby ( babies) in me.  I would always have my hand on my belly and talk to them, there was not one moment I was sad, or disappointed.  There were times I worried that I wouldn't be a good enough mom, and keep you safe, make all the right choices , but the excitement was always always there.  But the love, the pure love that I felt from the time they were little apple seeds in my womb was something amazing. 

Nothing else mattered in life I had Vincent and Mariska and I was going to keep them safe, I was going to make sure that they lived life and had a blast.  I was going to teach them kindness and show them love that they would never doubt.  As they are growing up, I know that I have not missed a second of their lives.  And as they start the fourth grade next week I am more than excited that my classes don't start until Wednesday so I get to pick them up from school. WOOHOO those first days of school are crazy, and so very long ! I think that is the LONGEST DAY OF THE YEAR, really it is !

As they are growing up, the one thing I fear is their questions.  Up until now its been OK for them, they don't have a dad and their mom just dropped two eggs (that always makes me smile).  I do not want to lie to them, and at the same time I don't want them to know the truth either. Not true I want them to know the truth but not the ugliness.  I don't want them to think differently of themselves, I don't want them to think differently of me.  I worry about their tender little hearts.  I know that I have to be strong for them and I usually am but this time of the year there is an ache .  A deep ache for my sweet amazing precious children.  I wish that I could give them a love story about their parents but I can't.  I have always wanted that family picture kind dad Mary Poppins mom and two amazing, kind children that sparkle in life. I have to realize though that I can't give them perfect, but there are some really amazing things that I can give them. I DREAD the day I have to tell them what happened, I don't know how the words are even going to form in my mouth.  But with all that I have I will, I will find just the right soft words for them to help them understand.  I will gently hold their heart answer their questions, and help them understand. I will look into their eyes, hold their hands and tell them the joy, and love and happiness that they brought to my life each and every second.  I want to tell them the stories of sitting in the rocking chair talking to them until I fell asleep. How I would sit and listen to their hearts on a little monitir. How they would usually wake up at 4 am kicking and flipping around, almost like clockwork ! So we, all three of us would be awake and I would just smile, patting my big old belly talking to you, then we would all go back to sleep.  The moment of being in the mall and seeing Santa and crying because I was getting to be their mom. All the Dr appointments and sonograms getting to see them and being oh so excited.  I can't wait to tell them about the Dr saying "you're still smiling" when my huge belly was already measuring 40' and I wasn't sleeping or eating anymore, and I would say well of coarse, why wouldn't I be smiling ? From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I never knew such Joy, nothing else mattered, NOTHING. I never in my life took better care of myself, the huge prenatal vitamins, eating, I never ate more vegetables, no caffeine, I did all the right things.  They were my babies and were the most precious, amazing little ones that made my heart sing. I will tell them about feeling them move for the first time while seeing Christmas lights.  About finding out there was Vincent AND  Mariska, it was so awesome !  Those are the moments that I want them to remember and share .

So as tomorrow comes, there is a sad in my heart that such things have to happen, that they happened to me but I am more than blessed. I do not know how to answer their questions, but I will find just the right words to help them understand.  I want tomorrow to be about the joy that I was given in my children. We will laugh and pack and talk about all the great things in our future  I was meant to be their mom, I know that with all that I am. I don't have the perfect fairy tale story, but I have our story.  And that is something more than miraculous. I have never known such love.

      I heart your hear Mariska Anne and Vincent Guy, Momma loves you more, I promise.

December 8, 2011.  It's TWINS.  

What do you do ??

 I have been writing for a few hours and I keep writing and keep erasing and write then erase some more and what I want to say just isn't coming out.  So many things to say. My heart is weary.  I have had some huge blessings over these last few weeks, and it has been more than amazing.  Truly miraculous things have happened and I am more than grateful.  This road that is my life is crazy, crazy, crazy ! 

I have desperatly tried to understand this life and there just is no making sense of it.  It is what it is these cards that I have been dealt.  I was talking with a friend and she kept saying we'll figure it out as we go.  As things come you do what you do and you do figure it out.  Every day is new territory for me trying to figure things out.  I may be 38 in years but in life I am a lot younger and living in that is difficult.  You know when you are a teenager and you are seperating and trying things out, I never got the chance to do those things.

I don't have a clue how to get out what is in this heart.  But I am sad.  Sad that I am not wanted in my mothers house.  Sad that she doesn't understand me.  Sad that she doesn't care, sad that she is not kind to my children. Sad that she is all into her church yet treats those under her roof the way that she does.  The blessings that I have received these last few weeks , are so very wonderful. There is a part of me that thinks I should be jumping around doing cartwheels already !!!  Really I should! I just want, I need a constant, there is an ache that I need caring and understanding.  I want to know that someone is there, I want to know that no matter what decision that I make, I will still be loved.

It has been a very rough week.  I went to put the iron away and I saw an email that one of my mothers church friends or I guess so called church friends wrote; and it crushed me.  I don't snoop and only noticed it because of my name and the kids.  And it totally destroyed what little I was holding onto. I have known for some time she (my mother) doesn't like me but to see it spelled out so clear......well its indescribable really. There are no words to make you understand the way we have been treated.  We are not respected or liked and that shows in every way, everyday.  You ask how I am I say fine because really, honestly you don't want to know.  Here is the email....the words that were used...... It went like this :



I understand that these were another women's words but that didn't stop the hurt.  I am sure that things were said to make her think those things and honestly, I took them all very personally.  I hate that, this woman thinks I am those things with out even knowing me.  I hate that I don't get to explain to her what things are like now, living under "her" roof.  There is no chance to defend myself and make anyone understand how hard I am working.  This email is crushing, absolutly crushing.  And this is the attitude that I have lived under, even if they were another persons words.
 
I always knew and understood that I had a monster for a father that was a given in my life. But At least there was a mom.  She may have not been there all the time or done the things that I would have liked, but she cared.  I guess maybe a year and a half ago that changed and what does a person do with that ? What does a person do when the one thing that was constant does a complete 360 and could care less ???  What does a person do ?

So who do I ask the important questions I have ?  How do I explain the change to my children ?  How do I do this ?  When something big happens there is no one to call , no one to share with , what does a person do ?  When the tears don't stop and you want to be held what do you do ?  When your daughter has to have surgery and it scares you to death what do you do ?  When you have to make a 63 to pass your class and you get a shoulder shrug what do you do ?  When financial aid is denied and you don't know what to do ?  Who am I suppossed to ask these questions ?  When you get money and don't have a clue what the right thing to do is ?  When you need advise about school, kids, dinner or even buying a house who in the world am I suppossed to ask ?? There is no family, no constant to ask , what does a person do ?

I am really kinda used to doing things on my own I have alwyas done it but why is this so different ?!?!  The way that my mother has treated me and my family for over a year is so hurtful and I don't understand.  I am working the hardest I have ever worked, doing everything that I am suppossed to.  Caring for my children finishing school, I mean I am struggling pushing through figuring everything out.  I know there must be people alone in the wolrd, that are in the same situation and I wonder what in the world do you do ?

The tears started this afternoon with Vincent.  I was making lunch getting ready to do some homework.  He asked me "Mom do you remember when we were going to make the garage your room then Mariska and I would have our own room.  And we were going to have a pool in the back yard ? And it was ok that our pictures were on the wall, and that all the laundry wasn't folded ? What happened to all that mom ?"  And the tears.....yea I know sweet Vincent and I don't have an answer.  Those were the things we had planned. I am so very sorry.

As I look forward, moving is soon, and I am more than blessed to have such a gift. I am excited to start another new chapter, and scared out of my mind !  Because more than anything its coming to survival mode.  I wish it was under different circumstances, I wish I didn't have so many questions.  I wish there was even a little more constant.  I wish there wasn't despearation in my heart. Between now and the move it will be hard, but peace will come, I have to believe it will come.

An Import

Today I am in a much different place than I was a year ago.  I wanted to get this here on my blog, since it was just a facebook note before. So I guess you could say this is a type of import. Each year around this date Aug 22 I am going to write my thoughts and feelings and where my heart is surrounding that day. But as time goes its about not just my heart but also Vincent and Mariska's heart, as they get older and come to understand me as their mom. There is not any less brokenness its just different.  I am not in a place today of trusting God and believing like I did last year.  I still believe but I don't feel like I am growing in faith like I once was. I don't have people around to help me understand, there is no support.  I am in a place where  I have joy in my children each and every day.  I love them more than life, and am grateful to be their mother.  We are moving forward and excited to be in our own home. Student teaching is around the corner and dreams will be coming true.  So this is what I wrote last year, this year it will be different, as every year that follows.  I kinda laugh at one of the first lines "I have people that I don't want to hide from", no this year its just me. There just are no people, amazing how a year changes so many things. So this was last years and This years will come soon enough.

Have the day you have with a broken but grateful heart.

I want to be this strong person that isn't affected by my life. But the truth is I am very affected every day through the smiling and laughing. I usually hide away and cry this time of year but this year its different and I have people that I don't want to hide from . I have people that care and crazy as it is people that even WANT me around. Talk about a foreign idea !! Every year Aug 22 is kinda a bad day but more than a blessing. A day that ALSO breaks my heart and gives me the most joy I ever imagined. 9 years ago on this day I got pregnant with my children.

I remember everything so clearly , another one of those amazing days, it was sunny and bright, I kinda felt like I was coming out of a hole. It had been a few years since I had to testify, I despartly wanted to be normal, to feel normal to be involved in normal life experiences. I met someone online and we were going to go shopping. He worked for Raytheon and was taking a contracting job in Afganistan. I should have known so many things, recognized a lot of things as I talked to him on the phone but I just didn't. I felt so normal , I took my shower wondering where we were going to go , my head is thinking what are we going to do ? I mean I was going to help him pick things out for his trip Right ?? I was going to go shopping have normal conversation, I was going to be a real person. I dreamed of "NORMAL" things in my life and I thought this was a start. I could not have been more wrong. He never had any intention of going shopping. And on his way out the door he kept commenting on his shiny BMW.

So I recently heard a saying HAve the day you have and this year on Aug 22, I am going to have the day I have. I will cry at my broken heart for what happened . I will smile at the blessings of my children. I will laugh at where I am and I will be grateful , so very grateful that I have the most special children in my life. And this year I will not hide away, I will not listen to the lies , I will not beat myself up for things that I can not change. I would have that day all over again to have my children, I am finally understanding it was that bad, but I am grateful for Mariska and Vincent.
Wednesday I am just going to have the day that I have. someday there will come a day when I have to explain things to my children, I will have to listen to their heart and help them understand, those days are coming so on this day, I will have my broken heart yet I will be grateful for what I was given and be strong for the two most precious imoprtant people in my entire life. One day I will have to hold their hearts and help them understand.
9 years ago that was the day that I had, Today this is the day that I will have and someday this day will be another day of my story and I won't feel the brokenness of my heart. All I have is this day and as sad and broken as my heart is I am grateful for what I have in this moment.

This is heavy on my heart, a friend of mine told me about Isaiah 61:3
And provide for those who grieve in Zion
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes
the oil of gladdness instead of mourning
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
A planting of the lord for this display of his splendor.
Anyone who knows me knows I don't know much about the bible at all, I am so new on this journey trying to figure everything out, but with my whole heart I pray that even my life can be turned into something amazing , ashes to beauty, I want to believe that, even for me. I want to understand the bigger plan and know that; out of my life story amazing things are going to come no matter how hard it is for me to get my head around . So with that, I am going to go have the day that I have and be grateful; for the beauty that I have in my children is somethong wonderous and someday I hope to find that in myself. So this week may be a little rough, but I am going to hold on to new good things in my life and someday my heart won't be so broken.

The Conference , oh my heart, more than GRATEFUL.

I am honestly not sure where to begin, I was stretched these last few days more than I ever imagined, more than I ever thought I would be and I am exhausted emotionally, intellectually and physically.  There are so many thoughts and ideas in my head, I am honestly not sure where its going to go, but the need to write is incredible.  There are so many feelings I am sure its going to take time sorting them and figuring them out.  I hope that I will be clear, but honestly there are no guarantees my friends !!! Sorry...

I am leaving this conference so very appreciative and thankful that I got to be a part of something so amazing. I am grateful to the staff for giving my children and I a scholarship that allowed us to attend.  I left there with questions answered and many assurances that Mariska will truly be OK.  I am more than relived and I feel so very blessed and almost content.  These are the cards that I was dealt in my life, so Now what am I going to do with them ?  And that is the big question ........

What am I going to do with these cards that I was dealt ?  Well truth be told I am exhausted, I do not want to fight anymore but I will. I will keep fighting. The children that I got to experience the weekend with were more than amazing, they had such courage and strength and they had this light inside that was just beaming.

I think I even feel a little guilty that we were at the conference, you see children with so many different manifestations of the Ectodermal Dysplacias and they are smiling and living and doing all the things that kids do.  Vincent was awesome, he noticed how different they do things and was so amazed.  He kept talking about how they held their cup and how they colored and he thought how awesome that was.  The experience for Vincent was amazing and gave him a different view that there are many ways that a person can accomplish their goal. Mariska was on cloud nine.  She fell asleep smiling on the way home.  She was so excited to be around kids with little hair like her and was proud that she has the hair that she does.  She didn't feel different while at the conference and for her that is something more than amazing!  As positive and loving and caring that people are when we are home,  Its different being around others who are just like you. 

I think that I was most affected by the conference.  I am not a joiner, I am NOT outgoing, I DO NOT like to bother people.  Its more than hard for me to be open to talk to people that I do not know.  And of coarse, I did not really know anyone there. I knew names, I knew face book pages but that is all.  I was scared going that I was not going to have the right answers to their questions.  I was terrified of speaking with the geneticist, telling her of their conception and not having much information and having her shut me off.  I was scared it was going to be my fault. I was terrified for many many reasons.  But I did it. 

This weekend stretched me so far beyond anything that I am comfortable with.  Meals were exceptionally scary !!!! I mean sitting in this huge room not really knowing anyone and eating a meal.  Some think whatever not a big deal.  For me that's close to all of my fears wrapped up in one place....I think my heart was going to beat out of my chest.  My hands were shaking and I wanted to run.  And before we go in, they give you a penny an ice breaker....oh my poor heart !!! And I love talking to people its just so hard for me.  And I sat with an amazing couple whose daughter had some similarities to Mariska .  They were so kind and I was relieved.  Then Jodi cam e and sat at my table, and she was so welcoming and so open and she really knew her stuff.  She was AMAZING.  Sometimes I have a feeling with people and she was just one of those people.  I loved her from the moment I met her she was sincere and true and it was amazing ! So I made it through that first night....Whew...my heart still intact.

The second day there was the speaker, Shannon Pickard. I had a few aha moments and that needs a blog all its own, so that one is coming. Ha aren't you excited ??? Just  kidding !

The day was filled with other parents talking about the unknowns, things that concerned them, things they were dealing with in school.  I was quiet letting it all sink in.  Others dealing with some of the same things, pretty amazing.  That afternoon there was the meeting with the geneticist.  I was scared I was terrified.  I was scared she would shut me off when she found out they were conceived in my rape, I was scared Mariska's disorder would be my fault.  None of those things happened.  She did not shut me off and I was told that for Mariska it was just a random mutation no ones fault.  I felt lighter right away.  ITS NOT MY FAULT.  I can not even tell you what that means or how that makes me feel.  Yes she has this, but she is going to be OK.  Things may come up but we can deal with them as they come.  She is truly going to be OK.  OH my heart, Oh my heart such relief.  I was not treated any different.  I was just Mariska's mom trying to get information to find out how to help her.  That is all.  How amazing is that ?!? Very amazing. I was in a daze I think the rest of the day.  So much relief and a contentment that I had never felt.  Finally I was brave enough to introduce myself to Kelly.  She was wonderful and welcoming, I could not thank her enough.  She also had a kindness a warmth that I was so thankful for.  There were so many things that I wanted to say, but I am not sure any of them came out.  But another one of those people that just touched my heart and I am grateful for the kindness even in my awkwardness.  At lunch I was speaking to one of the presenters about Mariska and her issues with her nose, and having trouble breathing and she said I needed to talk to Dr. Fete, that he would be a great resource and would have some ideas and in the middle of lunch she went over to him and he left his lunch to come and talk to me !!!! Are you kidding me ??? Me who doesn't want to bother anyone and she went and interrupted his lunch, I was in shock yet so grateful.  He came right over and was like how can I help you?  I mean he was eating his lunch and came to answer my questions ? I know I am kinda crazy but that was really amazing!!! He gave me some ideas and things I could try and said that he would be around if I needed anything to just find him that he was there ! Seriously this was an OH MY GOD !!!  When my entire life there have not been many people who have gone out of their way for anything, yet each and every person that I met here at the conference was more than willing to listen and to help and offer their expert opinions.  That was truly amazing.       

I have to admit Friday is a little bit of a blur. Thursday was overwhelming on every level and I was beyond grateful, I could not believe the experience that I was having and the kindness that people were showing.  But it was more than people showing kindness its who they truly were and it showed, it came through with everything that they did.  I was AMAZED at everything, at every experience, with each new encounter.   We had our dental consultation early that morning and again they were not worried at all.  They said not to worry about the tooth that I was worried about.  They said she would need orthodontics but things all in all were good, she has all her teeth and braces were in store but nothing spectacular ! WOW everything was so good.  My amazing Mariska is in such good hands.  People have listened to my concerns and over and over I have been reassured and that my friends is priceless.

That night was the talent show and I was just grateful.  I had kept back the tears, but by Friday night there was no holding them back.  The courage and determination and love that was in that room I can not even accurately put into words.  If you were not there I can not make you understand.  I was grateful to be there and and so thankful that my sweet Mariska Anne was healthy and going to be just fine.  Then there was Norma's story that broke my heart but filled me up.  She would hold her hands on top of her covers each night asking god to fix her and would be disappointed each morning when her hands were the same as when she went to sleep.  She found the NFED only a short time ago and realized that she was not the only one, and finally got a name for her condition.  She was inspiring.  As her story was told, I could relate to so many things.  Of wanting God to do something, but then the realizations that came for her through her being a part of NFED.  All things I was experiencing, all in a different way but I related to her words and her story.  Norma your an inspiration, I am thankful.

Saturday I was spent.  Even my reserves were running low, I was stretched all in mostly good ways but when you are a person who wants to fade into the background a conference like this is difficult on EVERY level. I couldn't even eat lunch in the dining room, I could not find a table to sit with people I did not know so I reviewed for my math test so time was not wasted. I just needed some quiet, some time to gather myself. 

I am amazed at this week that I was allowed to be a part of. I have met people that I am sure will always have a piece of my heart.  I am amazed at the kindness that I was shown.  I am more than grateful, thankful for being included.  I saw so much courage and determination to help and get things done, and to make a difference . I am sure that in these next few days and weeks as my time at the conference sinks in; my heart with be thankful each and every day. To my new friends, I thank you, to the kindness of Dr's I am speechless.  I am so happy, and content and overfull with all the things that were shared and given to my family.

From my overflowing happy heart, I heart your heart and am glad you are a part of my journey.

 

 

~~~THANK YOU THANK YOU~~~

 

How big is your BRAVE ?

Well I would not say that I am a very courageous person. I am exactly the opposite.  I am actually a pretty big chicken.  I like a schedule, I like things to be the same, I DO NOT like surprises and things out of the expected.  Last week when I went to see my brother, I proved to be braver than I ever thought for two children that no one notices and no one fights for.  Then again this weekend I got my brave on and stood up for my children and myself. I won't stand by as others are mistreated and I won't be mistreated either.

My brother has been having some heart issues.  He had all the symptoms of a heart attack and was scared.  He ended up in the hospital twice in one week and finally Thursday evening they kept him for observation.  SO I said well we have to go make sure that he is OK. So Friday We packed up the dog, the guinea pig, and we all left for Victoria.  They let him out of the hospital and he was home when we got there.  The girlfriend was vacuuming, I kinda didn't say anything to her.  She is more like an extra child than a partner for my brother and he likes it that way.  That's fine but he could have had a heart attack and she needs to step up.  The older girl was in trouble so she was in bed, but the little one was up and was excited to see us.  We spent time talking but after two days in the hospital you are tires so my brother went to bed.  Being there is hard for me anyway, the house is not taken care of.  The kids are not taken care of  and it makes me sad.  Life there is sad and I can't do anything about it.  So Saturday morning we all woke up, just chilling out letting Chris talk .  They basically said that his life style is more what is causing his heart troubles.  Personally I think his heart hurts on an emotional level and he just doesn't have a clue what to do.  The girl friend wakes up sits in the chair her kids wake up she sits in the chair.  Chris takes care of HER children.  There was an issue outside Chris gets up and takes care of it.  And it doesn't phase her in the least.  We are all sitting at the table talking she watched Disney on TV and knows all the characters.  That's who she is.  My brother just got out of the hospital and she is not telling him to sit down to rest to relax, there is no offer to get him a drink or to ask him if he is OK.  I am boiling inside.  I know hate is a very strong word.  But, I hate her.  She doesn't take care of my brother and she doesn't take care of her children.  So we run to the grocery store to get things for dinner.  I decide to celebrate my brothers Birthday early since we are here.  We get decorations, a cake, we just make things special people don't do anything for him.  So we are all getting ready for dinner. Chris has to tell her to get dinner for her children. Then she gets hers and sits and starts to eat.  Mind you no one else is sitting down yet.  Even her son that is 5 said momma wait until everyone is sitting down so we can eat together she keeps eating and says "I am just snacking" she thinks its funny.  The kids wait for everyone. The older one asks if we can pray before we eat, her mother says no and continues to eat.  We eat and we are sitting laughing I am enjoying being with my brother and we start talking about his heart and what is going on, and the stresses that he has.  I honestly don't have a clue what started it, what his girlfriend said but I got Brave.  I was shaking, I could barely speak through the tears but I turned around and was brutally honest.  I told her that my brother almost died, and that she needed to step up.  I said that those were HER children and she needed to take care of them.  I previewed for her some of the things that I had seen through out the day.  I was so upset, I am tired of people not taking responsibility for what they do.  I went on and on, and she had no comment.  Once she said well I do, and I went again no you do not and gave her more examples.  I did not yell or swear but she needed a reality check.  She was more than Mad.  I didn't care, I didn't say anything I didn't mean, or anything that didn't need to be said.  Then I laid into my brother.  Telling him that he does everything.  And that these poor children were drowning and no one cares.  They care for them and love them when its convenient.  I went on and on, because as much as I don't like it I love those kids and I hate how they live and how they are treated.  I don't care if their mother falls off a bridge, I will not let them take the kids with them.   Then there was silence.  The girlfriend was outside smoking, swearing up a storm, my brother trying to make everything pretty.  I was doing the dishes.  The children were all there.  My Vincent was smiling, Little Jaiden came up to me and ask if I was crying and asked what's wrong ?  I said that I just wanted to take him home, he gave me a hug, no he more held on and just smiled.  No one sticks up for these children at all they have big things going on and no one cares, no one wants to see, no one wants to do the work needed to help them.  She came in stormed around the house I cleaned up from dinner.  I felt lighter, I will not loose my brother over her lack of caring and lack of responsibility.  What a night......Then we had the birthday cake......Happy Birthday.  I won't take the excuses when children are involved.  We left early the next morning, I was more than ready.  And my brother said Jaiden woke up with a huge smile saying "Sherri wants to take me home !" and I would in a second.    

Again Saturday my brave was tested.  It started with once again my things being thrown in places they don't belong, and people not caring because they aren't hers.  Well the kids and I leave for Houston in a week and a half, and the only thing I am worried about are our things that are around the house, she throws them around when we are there who in the world knows what she will do when we are not there.  It started this afternoon with her removing kids pictures and a few of my things off a table and I asked her just to please put my things with our boxes and i would take care of it meaning I would just pack it away until we are in our own place.  That made her mad, she said that she thought those were her pictures uh..no they are not. So fine.  Then I was in the kitchen and I asked her please leave our things alone while we are gone and she says what what do you mean ? Totally oblivious, like what in the world are you talking about ? At that point I was done, her oblivion hurts my heart and I can't take it. And here is where the brave kicked in......I am so very hurt and tired of how I am treated.  So I said to my mother:

You know you treat us awful, (well I think I said you treat us like shit to be exact !) I am tired of you talking about your house ! because for 8 years its been our house and I am sorry that our things bother you, and I am sorry that you don't want us here anymore but you can't throw our things around.  And I promise that we will be out of here as soon as we can.

I was shaking and crying and there was nothing from her.  I went on cooking dinner and there was nothing. She just walked away.  I was talking from my heart and I can honestly say I would be better off saying nothing.  She feels nothing for me and I can  say she does not care. She is so totally wrapped in herself.  With that I am speechless.....there is no rhyme or reason.....I am working harder than I have ever worked and she hates me.  I know its things about her but they affect my children they affect me and it more than hurtful. Things that are hurtful beyond repair.

You know people always say well say things to get them off your chest, it doesn't matter how the other person reacts. At least the words are out of you and you are better off....Well my friends I disagree.  Why bother telling  ?? I am better off  keeping things to myself.  Because then at least I spare myself the hurt of a non responsive mother. I am glad I said all that I said to my brothers girlfriend but nothing will change, she will not care for her children.  So with my brother I am glad that I spoke up, it felt better.  With my mother not so much, I just get this blank stare I guess she is still trying to figure out her feelings for me.  I think she already has that's why I am treated like I am.

I am just working so SOOOOOO hard and the kindness of others has been more than amazing and I am so very grateful.  It always hurts when your family, the people that are supposed to care and take care of your heart don't.

I have been braver than Brave lately and I fear its not going away.  Part of me is glad, part of me is scared to death.  I am going to take today and make it wonderful I don't have a clue what the future holds for my brother or his girlfriends children, but I can tell you I will treat them amazing and make them feel loved and cared for.  And for me in my children I will stand up for them and for myself, I will not be stepped on.  I DO LIVE here for right now and I am doing all the things I am supposed to.

So be Brave say what you need to say, talk, feel and do.  It will make a difference somewhere out there .  So its just my kids and I.  Together we are going to BRAVE for ourselves and for others.

 

 

Be BRAVE my friends, I heart your heart.

On God.....between a rock and a hard place and needing a soft place to fall ?

You know God and I have never had a Good relationship.  I have kind of pictured him sitting in a chair next to me and we keep bumping elbows, kinda like we are playfully fighting for the arm rest, that's the picture that I have in my head .  I mean I prayed to God to die when I was 5 and that didn't happen and I had to live in hell so I decided ....there is no god. No one can help or keep me safe.  I grew up in a church that was not nice and I was; I guess you could say I was the black sheep of the congregation.  I had too many questions.  They wanted me to believe every word that was said with out question. But I had questions lots of them and no one would help me understand.  My experiences in life were not lining up with the things that they were talking about.  I didn't have kindness, there were not people watching over me.  You know I have heard people talk about having a feeling when they were little and knowing that God was there with them and for me I never ever had that.  From my earliest memories, church was a group of hypocrites that I wanted NOTHING to do with.  I would see the people that raped me receiving communion and staring at me like I was the one doing something wrong. Something felt completely wrong.  I knew something was not right, and I was not going to have anything to do with people like that.

 

One picture I have in my head is my neighbor Albert. He was walking by the alter and he was holding his little brother, and getting communion and there were oh so many thoughts in my head, I was scared, I was angry, I was confused. I can remember every detail of him walking to get communion and I followed his every move. I felt very small and saw those around me as giants. I can remember sitting there seeing him and thinking; all of these people are crazy. Each and every one of them!  All of these people are talking about God and what he means and what we are supposed to do and then there are the things that Albert is doing to me and no one seems to care. I remember wanting to steel his baby brother out of his arms to keep him safe.  I am not sure if it was a conscience choice at that age but, I wanted nothing to do with that God; that God that everyone talked about in that church.

So I grew up alone.  Carrying the world on my shoulders, dealing with life in the ways that I knew how. I was just trying to survive day to day to day.  I was always stuck between a rock and a hard place.  When you are that little with so many terrible things going on some decisions are not good ones but they keep you alive. Being stuck in that place becomes normal.

I know looking back that there were things I survived because of God, and as for his purpose I don't have a clue right now and there are days that I still get REALLY REALLY angry, but with out a doubt I can say I know there were times, that I felt I was not alone.  For me I feel like I only feel god when things hit rock bottom for me. Sorry I take that back because there was a short time that I felt him in my everyday.  There was a time when it was completely amazing, and I felt different, I felt lighter.  And I know the church is just a building, but in the building that I called my church home I felt for once that I wasn't on my own. There were kind caring people and I didn't just fade into the background. I  was able to heal and grow and change during that time. I would cry because of the incredible love and caring that I felt, and I know that is big because I am not an easy person to love and care for. And slowly people were being taken away, things were changing from week to week.  And I felt all those amazing things that I experienced for that time slipping away. As quickly as I fit in that place it became something where I didn't fit.  In many ways it felt like the pull of a bungee Cord.  I started out at the top and ended up way at the bottom with all the bungee in between.

Right now, these last few months I have not felt God. I have been making the right decisions for myself and  my children, and doing whats right.  And I keep asking Am I doing something wrong ? I must be because things are just crazy everywhere I turn. People keep telling me no, you are not doing anything wrong.   You are not doing anything wrong they say but I have to be because I am praying, I am begging for help and its just not happening. The situation, living with my mother I have not felt God.  Financial aide being denied I have not felt God. Having enough money to provide for my children. In my heart I have not felt God.  I have prayed and prayed for some kind of solution, anything to help relieve the longing, the sadness, the stress.  Nothing. Nothing.  I have begged God, ,I mean on my knees ugly cry begged.. then I prayed some more, I meditated, I cried I pleaded and nothing.  Silence. I have prayed and bargained for anything to be able to change my children's circumstances.  I thought about moving to Boston , living in a shelter for single moms,  oh there were many many thoughts! I was grasping for some kind of relief , anything to help me not be so on my own because exhaustion at the entire situation is a daily struggle.  And its not all awful there are moments where I am so very grateful but something is always missing, something just isn't there.  I see God at times in those around me, and think those are just amazingly awesome fabulous people , those are things that happen to others.  Because they have faith and they believe in God with their whole hearts.  Me I believe in God, he is in my bones but not like they do. I don't trust that everything will be taken care of.  People say things about God and him being there, and taking care of me and it makes me want to scream, punch a wall, turn green and Vomit. Sorry not pretty but that's my thinking. People tell me to pray and I get so frustrated, I have prayed and prayed and nothing changes for me. I watch as lives are changed  and prayers are answered, some are not all around me and I sit in my ugly cry ....alone...and hear nothing but silence.  I am sure that I must be doing something wrong in this world.......I MUST be........ And I am loosing hope..

 

Then I get a message from a woman that is asking how much my financial aide would be to finish my schooling. And that she would be honored to repay the blessing since she was raised by a single mom who was going to school when she was in elementary and middle school.  I cried, I was not sure what she was asking.  She knows many people and I thought she would know of someone or someplace that might help. It was that she thought of me was so very important.  I had no clue this would be the start of a new time, a new hope a new life for me.  I gave her the details and she asked for my address.  I had so many questions, and the Whys were out of control , I mean who am I for someone to help ?

Then Monday morning...I stood in the shower my hands to God asking please help me, there is nothing left of me.  I am tired of fighting.  Tired of feeling less than and I CAN NOT do this anymore, something has got to give.  I am not OK, I will keep fighting for my children but there is nothing left of me to give.  And that Morning I get a call from Kelly with NFED and says that we are next on the list and some people are not able to make it to the conference and that if we are still able to attend we will have our registration and hotel taken care of.  Oh and the ugly cry again.  I feel so amazingly blessed.  And I hear Kelly on the phone and she is glad they are able to help and says I guess that means you can make it.  Oh the kindness in her voice, I needed that more than breathing today.  And she says, when one door closes another one opens and So I am going to get to be with other parents whose kids have the same disorder as Mariska. I will hopefully have some questions answered. And Mariska is going to get to see other children that are just like her.  Vincent with meet other siblings just like him. If that is not a blessing, I do not know what is.

THEN TUESDAY MORNING....
I couldn't sleep as usual and was up early, writing, crying trying to figure out the next year .  Mariska slept until after 10 am.  Vincent slept until almost 11:30 am.  It was a hang out morning, and I went to get the mail.  And I see this little note.  And inside a card saying :

   Please don't give up hope. God is good all the time even when its hard to see or feel him. Keep pressing forward for the kingdom and for your children.  I love you......

And there is a check that will pay for my student teaching and books and everything.

Yes...Let that sink in a check to cover the rest of my schooling.  A check to cover my dreams, A check that allowed so many things to come true.  I will FOREVER look to this day with a grateful heart and I am sure we will stand in my classroom and I will hold her tight and be so very thankful that she saw my dream when I was so very close to loosing hope.

Today is a new start, a new leaf,  And I read her note over and over and those are all the things I have been writing these last few days.  that I haven't felt God. That I don't see him in my life.  And there are the words I have needed. Don't give up Hope, God is good all the time,

My heart is completely overwhelmed by the events these last few days, but I feel as if I am falling , I am finding my soft place to fall and maybe all my prayers and desires, and longings were heard and were waiting on the right time. 

Today I see things I have never been able to see, I see that I am between a rock and a hard place because I don't allow myself to feel that soft place.  I don't allow myself to trust, I fear EVERYTHING....Today I trust.  My heart was heard, prayers were answered.  Today I found a soft place to fall.  My forever grateful heart is exploding with LOVE.  . I feel God. Today is a miracle.

Completly Honest and True.

I really love Angela Shelton she is strong and beautiful and Courageous and a list of many other amazing things that make her a hero.  And I recently watched a video that she created of her giving a speech at a college campus and it hit, it hit me really hard and I realized the problem.  People don't talk about abuse, they are scared and don't want to hear and are afraid to deal with it.  I understand the fear and the disgust with what the world can do to other humans.  But at the same time I have a deep personal understanding.  Do I shut up and quietly deal with what has happened ?  Do I scream from the rooftops saying we can't let this happen ?  DO I quietly cry myself to sleep every night ?  Do I reach out asking for someone to listen to part of my story and hold my hands as I cry ?  Do I write  hiding behind the words hoping someone will comment and understand my heart ?  I just don't know what is the balance.  But I have to try.  If I keep my past in my heart it will kill me and there are too many things that I have yet to accomplish.  My hair falls out.  I have ulcers.  I have had chest pains.  And I just can't keep quiet, I can't pretend that all is well and I am fine.  So I apologize, I am sorry my story is hard , there are so many things that I want others to understand, so many things I want people to see. So much that I have inside to show people.

Many people that have read my story know that I did not grow up having a happy healthy childhood.  Things were really rough and violent and there was more abuse than any one person should have to survive.  The problem is that its hard for people to understand to comprehend to get their heads around and I can honestly say I get that.  There are days I still can't get my head around my life and I lived it.  When you grow up the way that I did, my past and the things that have happened in my life are such a part of who I am from how I deal with my children, to my love for whales, to how I eat .....literally I think the list could go on forever and include each and every aspect of my life.  I have always said one rape well wow i could have handled that, not that makes it any better for me, but one rape would have been a blessing. If there was just my father or just the neighbor, or Just Don and them.  If just one of those sets of things happened then I would be fine.    My life the one I live every day I hold what has happened to me and I have to let more things go, I have cried oceans but honestly the more I grow the more I experience there are still pieces there that need a little work.  I fear the words Dwelling and, stuck, even wallowing. Wallowing now that is one ugly word.

I heard this song and I was like Oh MY God do people see me like this ?  Do they think I am wallowing in my past ?  Do they think I am holding on to it because I like it ? What do they think ?  Because honestly most people don't stay around very long.  Here is the song.....

 And I listen to this song aver and over and I think OK I have to forget my life and be on the same page with everyone else and the truth......Well I don't think that I can do that. I am like you in so many ways but there are big things that make me see the world so very differently. I can't pretend that my heart doesn't hurt some days.  I know how long ago things were but you have to understand I never got the basics of life.  I never got kind and caring.  I was not listened to, I was not heard and I was left to make it on my own and that I have done.  A friend of mine wrote a letter for me and he said
    
  I'm writing this letter on her behalf because of how hard she has worked and because of the depth of the hole she chose to climb out of,"

  WOW who me ?   And here comes another ocean.  Is that me, do such words fit me ?  And dare I say , I am thinking maybe they do, Just maybe.

The more that I have thought, the more that I have written, I am not wallowing I am just trying to find my place and trying to understand this rocky winding road that has been my life.  A friend used to say well not to toot my own horn or anything and today I think not to toot my own horn or anything BUT you know what I HAVE come a really really long way, I have crawled out of a deep dark place and that is something amazing.

I don't understand why people can't love me and the person that I am, I don't understand why I am often ignored and not included, am I scary ?  Do you think I will rub off ?  Am I too serious ?  I just don't have answers and  I say I can't be someone that I am not.  I am sorry maybe I share to much and that's why, I just don't know.  I think well maybe its because I am wallowing ?  I mean that has got to be why ?  Right ?  But I don't think that's it.......I don't have normal life stories to share.....I don't have kid stories about siblings being crazy, or stories about long time friends, or proms, or college days or any of that....In a way life is kind of new for me and that scares people. I don't have family to turn to, I don't have people to call my people.  People have friends, people have family....But ME nope there is me and my children.  I could count the people that I could call on with a few fingers.  And they mean the world but I can not expect them to be there all the time.  People have these experiences their entire life of friends and family and honestly I am just beginning and I am sorry for that.  I think that's why I love the classroom I can create amazing fun stories for the children to add to their own story.  And for me though the last chapters was dark and scary;  These next few volumes will be full of many new stories and new beginnings and new experiences. I just need people to be a part of my story.  I don't want my story to be lonely I want it to be full of people , all different people, weird ones strange ones, funny ones serious ones, all kinds.   I can't even imagine honestly all that these next volumes will hold for me.  But I know that those dark volumes are still a part of me and even though that chapter is closed there are days I am affected a little and days I am affected a whole lot.  I share my stories because there is so much to share.  My stories are different but they are what I have.   I am not wallowing or dwelling I am just trying to find my way.  To my people that read this thank you for taking the time.  I don't want people to ignore and stay away I need people to speak ask questions and when in doubt just LOVE me. I love more than you can imagine and care so much for each heart on my journey. So I say again

I heart your heart my friends and I Do so true .