I saw these words this morning and it made me think of the past few weeks. I think that in everyone's life there are people that like me, people that hate me, people that are indifferent and there are a few people that love all of my pieces, even the ones that can't be fixed, the ones that will always just be a part of me. And those are the people that are important. That's the beauty of being a person, of truly being loved broken pieces and all. I have very few of these, but the ones that I have I treasure and hold so very dear.
Its the people that love your broken parts, that see them but see you first, that will carry you through those really hard life moments when you just can't take another step on your own. I have had those kind of people. There was a time when I had a friend carry me for a few years, they were truly my training wheels as I clung to life digging myself out of a deep dark hole. You don't find those people all the time, and when you do, keep them close. Always in your heart.
I am sure in the beginning I was carried, that is the only reason why I made it, I was carried, I was loved I was more than cared for, as I got better closer to the light, I would ride but they stayed close being my training wheels, making sure that I was ok giving me the courage to do life ,until one day I was able to ride on my own.
And I need that in different areas of my life. I need people close, to care and at times to carry me when I am not sure that I am going to make it. I know I will make it I know that I am a fighter but that life of a fighter is terrifying and often lonely and knowing that someone will stay at the darkest means more than having a hundred friends when you have a party, it means more than any party or shower that a person can be invited to. It means everything.
I think that at different times in a persons life, we need different things, people come into our lives for a time then leave, But I have to believe that there are going to be people that come and that will be forever. I need that, I hate that I need that but I do. So I am going to count myself so very lucky for the ones that I have for the people far away in the east and to the west, that would carry me, and give me rest, those people that are my soft place to fall that hold my heart that, just know with no words.
So those people that have held my heart, I always hold them close, and I hope in the future there might be others, others that I don't even know that I would never expect because that is when it happens, that is when it truly happens. So today I am going to hold my heart and know the gift that I have been given in a special few, and know that they are my forever people. I am grateful they see me.
Yea so this is big and important and a long time coming. I am not sure where to begin or how this is going to come across but so many things need to be said. I am done. I am tired of people sticking up for others that have not been kind, I am tired of people saying that they care when words and actions do not match. You know that saying action speaks louder than words, YES, that. I listen to your words, but your actions or lack of action tells the truth. I am more than grateful for oh oh so many things, but all the gratefulness , I also can't ignore the disrespectful and cruel either, no one deserves those things. My grateful kind heart has limits. I am the same all the time, if I love you, you know it, I do not pretend.
I am not an easy person to love or like really I know that. There are very few people that understand where I am coming from and love me anyway. For those people I am more than grateful, the ones who have stayed who tell me when I am full of it, or tell me to get back out there in life. I have a very small circle, and in my everyday that circle is even smaller, just the facts. I am a weirdo, I am strange I am different, I observe a lot of the time, I view life and the world around me different. I expect things from others, certain kindnesses no matter what. I hate small talk. I speak when I have something to say. I like deep meaningful conversations, where there is a sharing of a heart and a learning more about a person. I like conversation with you about you but not at you.
My favorite people come into town, you know that I love these people so very much, they are my people and they put up with my crazy.They always have a dinner so that all of their friends can come and I have been a few times. But huge crowds are not my thing and I am not good at being fake. The place where I am, Most of those people are not my friends, and though I wanted to see one of my favorites, the cost to myself would have been great. I don't hear from anyone of those people really, they are not my people. My favorites, yes but the others are their friends and not mine. I could not go and pretend that my heart has not been broken by many of them so I didn't go. I was fine with that the day was perfect.
Then there was a text about those people caring and asking how I was, and that they care. It made my blood boil. I was more than angry and wanted to scream, NO don't you dare tell me that they were asking about me, that they care. You have no right to say that, because there have been times when I was drowning and they looked the other way. There were times I reached out wanting understanding and nothing. NO response no contact no nothing so don't insult me by saying they care because their actions over time have proven to me, exactly the opposite. Their actions do not meet their words and I WILL NOT pretend and be fake.
I am tired of pretending, I know I have very few people, believe me I know that, that is how it is. I am getting old and I don't want to apologize anymore for the person that I am. I am in the best place that I have been in a long time and I worked my ass off getting here. I have done this, I have fought and I have made it, there is a lot of fighting left, but I keep going.
Sure people step out as other peoples friends, but they are not mine. They are not and maybe they can pretend, maybe they genuinely ask how I am .....but newsflash, they know my number they know where I am and for some of them its been years, some its been months and nothing. NOTHING So please no they don't care, NO THEY DO NOT.
There is a woman whose writing that I love who talks about writing from a scar and not a wound. So I probably should not even be writing because this is more of a wound, than I would ever like to admit. For so long I kept trying to reach out, trying to be loved to be liked to fit in and and each time I was shut out, or ignored, over time I would continue to reach out and it comes to the point where a person just can't keep trying getting their heart broken.
I feel everything absolutely everything, I take things personal and take things to my heart. These days I am guarding my heart. Learning to move away from the wound and maybe someday when I get closer to the scar I can go to those dinners.
I know that as people we are all in different places in life, we experience different things, we are all in different seasons but we are all in this life and I know not everyone can be your best friend , but at least be real and genuine, we have this one life, just be kind in the place that you are in. Kindness changes everything.
I heart your heart. More than you can possibly imagine, be careful with mine.
I often can not believe how fast that these twelve years have gone by, April 22, 2004 my life changed forever and it has been the most amazing, challenging, unbelievable time of my life. I have been trying to write this for months now, writing and rewriting, writing some more. I wanted to have this done on their birthday, didn't happen, tried for mothers day, I thought that is perfect they made me a mom; nope didn't happen. I think back seeing them grow up as wonderful and amazing as it is its also terrifying. They are 12 oh my goodness! There are a lot of days that I don't have a clue what I am doing. Sometimes they do things and I think what in the world ?? Is this normal ? Because I have no clue what normal 12 year olds are like !!! Seriously no clue!!! Oh my goodness I worry about them , oh I worry about their little hearts how they see the world I worry about them being safe I worry about making the right choices for them I worry about being a good enough mom. I know that I have not missed a moment in their life, I was there for all the firsts, and from the moment I found out I was pregnant with them, they were all that mattered they were the reason that I took every breath. Oh my goodness I was one of those amazing pregnant people , I never stopped smiling, I love every single second!! Seeing them grow and turn into these amazing young humans is so surreal. I just watch them sometimes not believing that I get to be their mom. They are these amazing kind, caring people that are going to do great things in this world and I get to be their mom.
They have not had an easy life, but they have always had everything that they needed. They have never had to go without, I would go without to make sure that they had all that they needed. Always, Always, ALWAYS. There are going to be things in this life that they have to deal with that are different, there are things that I hope they will come to understand. Through it all e are a family, and they are my most amazing, they made me a mom and these first 12 years have been everything and more than I could have ever imagined.
Mariska Anne, oh my goodness, there are so many things that she is so much like me. She is different, she will tell you what she thinks sometimes and only if you ask.She will smile and pretend that she is fine, even as tears stream down her face. She has a smile that lights up a room, and a spirit that is blooming. She loves to read, oh that girl loves to read she can spend hours in a book store, and in less than a day can read at least a 500 page book and is on to the next. She loves sharks, She has this love for science fiction things like the Hunger Games and Divergent, she has read them all hundreds of times and can tell you all the little details. She is always one to say oh the book was so much better. She is so stinking smart, she doesn't even have to try, she just gets things, they just make sense to her, which makes school pretty boring for her. She wants a challenge and wants to do new things. She is a sensitive thinker, things bother her and if you don't know her you would never imagine. She always watches, checks things out, oh she always has, since the day she was born. For me if I don't know you or don't like you I don't fake it well and of my sweet Mariska doesn't either. She is always polite but her face can not tell a lie. She helps out around the house, and puts her whole heart into what she is doing if she finds it interesting. She loves to cook, and help in the kitchen, she will make dinner and goodies just to help out. She really cares about the world around her and that is more than amazing to see. She loves her music and talking Angela, and has a little giggle that melts my heart. She loves her puffy hair and will say with a smile on her face I woke up like this. Oh my goodness, she is something else, this 12 year old of mine. She thinks all the time, if she hasn't read the book TV isn't her thing, but she has a thing for cheesy lifetime movies lately, she thinks they are hysterical and if you aren't watching she will give you a play by play. She sometimes lives in her own little world and I think oh my goodness chick what are you doing, ?! She doesn't have to worry about love or safety and that is good for my heart. She lives in the world, giving us all so much, I can not believe its been 12 years. I look forward to the things that she will do in the future. She is taking AP classes next year, Drama and still is in Choir. She is on student council and has a blast, how did I get so lucky, this special girl of mine is unbelievable amazing.
And Vincent Guy . He has more kindness than I could have ever imagined. He has a heart that I am not sure even I am prepared for. Every single day he amazes me. He worries about me all the time and watches absolutely everything I do. He is also a lot like me, he is a worrier he will help out a friend anytime anywhere. He has always gravitated towards those who needed a little extra TLC. He is the friend that is there and sticks up for you, no matter what. He always takes those special people under his wing and makes sure that they are taken care of. The two of us bump heads often, but the love I have for him is something special, he is one of the good guys and he is my son. I am more than blessed. He works so very hard at everything that he does all the time. He is passionate about Hockey and of coarse his favorite team the BRUINS ! His room is the color of gold and black, he has to work really hard in school but not once do I ever have to remind him to do his homework, EVER! He is respectful and kind and worries about the injustices of the world, WOW the things he is going to do, he will touch many heart I am sure. He plays the violin and is really good! I was a little worried but oh, its beautiful and again he loves it. He loves for the two of us just to sit outside and talk. He is also a thinker and has deep thoughts, he is also a writer he has kept a journal for years now and I am sure as he looks back he can see where he has come. He has this soul, something special, a gentle spark that makes him amazing. He helps me oh so very much, from hanging pictures to doing the yard. I don't know what I would do with out him. He is always making sure that I am OK, that I am taken care of, I reassure him that I am fine. He listens really listens, he follows the rules and expects everyone else to do the same. He is smart, but busts his hiney kind of smart it doesn't just come to him, He is in robotics and is going to travel and compete next year, My son already programming! I never imagined. Every teacher that I speak to has nothing but great amazing things to say and it melts my heart every single time.
I so loved when they were little but oh I love seeing the people that they are becoming. I worry all the time that I am not enough, that there are so very many things that they have to deal with and yet they shine. I am amazed, Amazed that they are mine that I get to be their mom, Just the three of us one special kind of family, that I could never imagine would be so So wonderful. I love you both more than you can ever imagine.
I heart your heart. I love you, I love you.
Momma.
This song fits we might not do this life the traditional way, but oh I love every single day.
"I can't wait to see whats around the corner. I can't wait to soar........ Its the little things that make a home"
Yes they are my home, and I look forward to doing it over every single day with them <3
You know the wizard of OZ when Dorothy is talking to the wizard, and she says, oh there is nothing for me in that bag. Yea its like that there is no heart that someone can give me, there are no magic words, there is nothing in the world that is going to be able to make the pictures in my head go away. There is no magic pill to take the flashbacks and images away, Nothing. There are things I can try EMDR , which is a way for my brain to try and process the things I see differently. To try to get my brain to understand that the danger is over, that I am safe now. The problem with that is that its expensive and finding someone who does this is difficult. I am tired of people telling me that I just need to let it go, believe me if it were that easy, I would have let go a very long time ago. There are things that I just don't understand and as hard as I have fought, I feel like I should be ok, but the things that have happened are in my bones literally they have a grasp on me, that is what PTSD is. Its not that I am unwilling to let go , and I wish that there was a way for me to explain this to people. How I am the things that I am afraid of, the why of some of the things that I do. People don't understand and that is more than frustrating. I keep everything together do everything that I am supposed to and the pictures play over and over. The triggers are everywhere at times, songs, smells, feelings, and I never know when they are going to come. Sometimes I sit with them hoping there is going to be some kind of answer, I should know by now that there are no answers, but I keep trying.There is nothing to take the pictures the memories in my head, NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING.
People have said I just need to be more social, that is going to fix everything. It is not. I understand that I often stay back and stay away from people. Part of that is just who I am. People have been dangerous my entire life. And I hear people say less than 5 % of people are actually dangerous, I hear that but for me its the opposite, in my own experience, its the other 95% that is dangerous and its that 5 percent that I can trust, because that is my experience in life. That is my experience, and that doesn't just go away, I am trying working hard but its more difficult than you can possibly imagine! People have said, well I just made the decision , to be different. That is great and I am glad that it worked for you, being social causing more anxiety than you can imagine, that is not what will work for me. I do need to get out more, be involved, its finding something that I am passionate about here around me. Protecting others, whales I just have to find the right place.I just don't know what that is. I have these connections but they are far away, again like dorothy maybe I need a few trips to oz, maybe then I can find what I am looking for.
I do not want others to fix me, I don't want someone feeling sorry for me, I want someone to understand my wierdness and embrace it. I want someone to try to understand and see where I am coming from and not call me crazy or think its stupid. I know that I often push people away but I need them to keep on me, ask the hard questions, don't let me off the hook. I know I am hard to like and even harder to love, I need people to follow thru and know if I ask for something, it has taken me months to ask and please don't forget or ignore, because I won't ask again. I felt like a huge pest my entire life, and I will not keep asking. I understand people are busy and have their own life, here I need some extra understanding. It takes a whole lot for me to ask for help, you need to know that. I have said for some time, I need someone there walking beside me, being a constant not leaving, and yes there are times like right now, that I might need to be carried no matter how wonderful that things look on the outside, my insides, well that is another story.
I found this book that talks about three things that a person must do in life. And it was the third that made me think the most. You must do something to make the world more Beautiful. And I think its not about money or anything else its about your heart. What can you share with your heart to make things more beautiful not only for yourself but those that we are around each and every day. Everyday my heart hurts and everyday I walk into work smiling, I am there for my kids that I teach and for my own children . I love every little milestone, every little accomplishment every little everything. All those things make a person feel amazing that you are making a difference for that one student, I always want them to know that they are seen and heard and oh so loved.
I can remember teachers that did that and then there were those that didn't. I remember that teacher in sixth grade that took my hand in the hall and asked how I was. I don't remember her name but I remember that I felt important. My first reaction was to take my hand away, did she really want to do that, but I didn't and I still remember that moment.Such a simple moment that meant so much. I see it like I was walking behind them just watching. Yea those moments. I can remember the moment when the kids were infants just a few months old. We were in the grocery store and I had forgotten my wallet. So I was going to have to take them home get it and then come back and the woman behind said no I will pay for it, and she payed for my groceries. She said that she knew what it was like with little ones, and said her pleasure. I think about her often, and I wish that I was able to tell her just how awesome that was.
I can remember a time going to school in Denton there was a man with no shoes on, he was walking on crutches, and there was something inside that wanted to help and I had nothing at the time but I went to turn around and was going to give him my shoes, at least he would have had something on his feet, but he was gone just like that.
There was a woman in front of us at Wal-Mart she was comparison shopping, and a few of the things that she had picked up didn't match and she had the checker put them aside. When it was my turn, I said please put those things with my stuff, and she said she didn't pay for them I said I know I am going to pay for them and bring them to her. So Vincent ran out to the car and said happy Friday, here are your things. There were times I can remember doing that, and putting things back. Its in the simplest things a bag of cheetos and some juice, it made me cry that I could do that for her. She didn't know me, I was more than excited, and I hope she enjoyed them. There are little moments that I have experienced in life that have changed so very many things, being able to get movers, having furniture for my house, so many little things that really aren't little at all.
Since growing up there were not those little kindnesses, so today I notice them all. I notice everything. All the little things that are done, the little gestures, the little things that make life easier. I also notice when people stop doing those little things, even if its something as small as a happy birthday on Facebook, yes its stupid,but I notice, oh how I notice. I think I just know how those things feel being judged, forgotten and overlooked and I want to make sure that others don't have to Feel that way. I want to make sure that people are heard and seen and understood and cared for and loved. So many people get busy, and they forget those little things but oh for someone like me, we don't forget, we can't because we know its like to be forgotten. We know what is like and we want to do everything to make sure that others don't feel that. Its those little things that matter that can make a persons entire day , just by a little acknowledgement. Just by a little smile, a little note to let them know that you care.
1. Always practice kindness it CHANGES EVERYTHING
2. Listen listen with your whole heart. People will tell you what they need, what you can do but you have to listen
3. Make the world more BEAUTIFUL, always always
Lately writing has been rough, there are so many things to say, and I don't have a clue how to say them. I am ina place between everything and nothing. I write a little then close the blog open it delete it start another and that is how things have gone. Not sure if its the time of year or this season but my heart aches. I think that hanging on to this is going to make a difference no matter what , no matter what you face or how you feel always do something to make the world more beautiful. Always do something more kind, ALWayS <3 Always do that thing to make a difference in the lives of the people around you.
I would like to know how a person does it how do you survive, how do you get over it how do you go on always remembering, always feeling their hands, always always seeing the pictures in your head. I spend my life fighting, trying to recover to get better and some days it truly feels worthless, because nothing I do is going to make it go away. Is it better than it was a few years ago absolutely but at times like this when little rest full sleep is had and there seems to be triggers no matter which way that you look it is more than hard and its a place that most people can not explain, that I can not explain so what does a person do ? What does a person do when they are stuck in the in between. When they do not feel heard or understood. When their experience is in a book, when its so much more complicated than that. It's more than just standing up straight and being OK, its more than just get out there and meet people, its so much more than that , so much more !!!
Because it puts you in a place that you really can not talk about what you think and feel because others will not understand and would totally think that you are insane. So what does a person do ? IN these moments I realize just how alone that a person can be . I fight because that is what I know how to do. You fight you keep going. I am just not so ok right now, and I desperately want to be. People expect me to be under all the things that I feel and with my life being a single mom, I can't crumble under all that is going on , I can't just curl up in a ball but believe me I would love to, there are days when really that is all I truly want to do. And yet I can't. I can not stop, But this picture this picture says it all what its like carrying around all the things that I have seen and experienced in my lifetime. I carry each picture, each memory, and right now its crushing. I am trying to be strong, to be fight, to be prepared, but I am not sure that I am really.
I am at a place where everything is ok on the outside, but nothing is ok on the inside. And I feel it getting worse. And I am not sure that people understand really, they see the me that smiles and does everything that I need to, but in those moments when it's me, I am a mess and am more than sad. It's not dwelling because I keep going keep fighting keep doing things trying to get better, trying to understand where I am, and I just don't.
People tell me that God will take care of me. And truly that makes me angry, I have cried out to him, and I hear nothing back, and I am left in this alone sad place. I have asked for someone to stay, to help and yet I am still on my own. No, I don't believe that even God can fix me. I am grateful for the things that he has given, but maybe this part I have to do on my own.
I don't have a clue what to do now. Everything is fine I have a job I love; I have a house, I have enough money for my bills, a car that works I have amazing awesome kids and there is a sad, there is something that I can't put words to, there is something that wants to pull away from everyone because really what's the point? People want me being more social getting out there and I am dragging my heels oh sure get attached and they are going to leave. I know that is a part of life, that leaving is just a fact people leave all the time but me and my life I need someone to stay, and My insides don't feel like I can handle any more leaving right now.
I am in this everything and nothing place and its more than frustrating, and I don't think people understand and I want that more than anything. I want someone to understand, to get it and I want someone to push to challenge but that needs to come from a place of understanding.
Right now, from the outside everything looks perfect, everything should be ok, on the inside I am falling apart. Its all-old stuff and some things I know, and I know how to handle them, but it hurts. There are feelings I can't explain, and even more feelings that I don't even know what they are. SO right now, I am stuck between, everything and nothing. I think of the nothing from the never-ending story and that is where I am I am hoping that the DR on Thursday can hear me and is able to make a difference, oh I hope so, because all that I have in this moment isn't enough.
A few days ago it hit me and today it feels different than it ever has before. Since I can remember I have been upset that my mother has never asked about the things that have happened to me, what was done, who they were and why. I mean I am 40, just weeks from 41 and today it hit me harder than it ever has.
I don't want her to ask what happened to me anymore.
I am not sure when my views came to change. Maybe I am just getting older, maybe its just time, maybe I don't even have a single clue . For some weeks, months even my mom has been trying, she is working on our relationship and it feels good; I am scared, but there is a peace at the same time. I am Scared that once again I am going to be crushed but right now its what I have. She is truly trying. And I am truly grateful.
Given the past between the two of us any relationship is more than difficult; things that have been said that have been sharper then knives. Things that have been said that I hear in my head like they were said yesterday. But that voice is getting quieter, its still there but its different. Its a kinder, less harsh voice. I used to want her to ask, to know the things that I lived through, to know why I was so freaking different, why I was always so afraid, why I was the way that I was. I wanted her to know and to understand. I do think there are pieces she could heal in my heart, but at a cost that is just too great. A cost that truly isn't worth it. I am learning that as much as I long for people to truly understand the life that I have lived, its my story, I have walked it, and there is no humanly possible way for others to completely understand, IT JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE. Because if you haven't lived it you just don't know, words mean nothing; its just so much deeper than any words could explain. The hurt, the betrayal, the shame all of it.
There is still a great need to be heard for people to do things different but with my mother there is a feeling like I have never known before. I can't even put my finger on it, or give it a name really. Is it forgiveness ? I don't know, but I know that I can't go back. I know that when we couldn't leave our room even for dinner she was there with dinner, or to take us out to eat. When there was no one for the move, she stepped up. I felt like she was fighting for us and it felt good.
I can not imagine the things that she feels in her heart for all the things that have happened, I can only imagine the things that I would feel. And its purely terrifying. I know that I am doing things different and been all the things that I never had to my own children. There is still a great deal of hurt and I am sure that there will be a time and place to have some of those rough conversations but not right now. Maybe never, because there is nothing we can do to go back and change things. We can only be here together now.
Now is the time to sit in the things that truly matter, to sit in the here and now and be grateful for the time, the company, the love of my mom. It feels like its been forever since I had a mom and it feels good. I fell like she is trying, she is learning about the person that I am today.
There was a point when someone asked if I was ready to say goodbye and be done and I was and I was at peace with that. And I had to get to that point to get to where I find myself today. There are pieces of me that I am not ready to share, pieces of my heart that are entirely too fragile to let her see, but its a work in progress. We are both growing and learning. I think we have a long way to go but I also think we are exactly where we need to be.
