I found this post on Facebook talking about how every window has a different story. I have sat with that thought for a time now, and it feels so fitting. I hold so many different stories and oh so many different windows. The things that people see from the outside is so very different from the inside. That makes the world hard to navigate because no one can understand the place that I am coming from. No one can understand the experiences that I have had that have gotten me where I am. August 22 is one of those days. Each year, a day that I struggle with sometimes, there is a sad for me, I believed that was what I was good for. Somedays it passes and I just have a gratefulness for my children. With out that day I wouldn't have them. There are so many different aspects to that day, that each one could fill a different window. A different time a different view, a different feeling. Some windows hold the darkness, some hold the light. This year as I step back, I have a view of them all, and it's hard and heavy and feels far away.
It is just a very hard complicated place to be. There is no manual how to do this or what a person is supposed to feel in this situation. There are parts of me that are tied to that day, that I can never get back and the best part of me came from that day. so much to unpack in a single day. My heart is just heavy, there is a weight that no person should have to carry, little lone carry alone. I hate that nothing was ever talked about, nothing was ever said or acknowledged. No questions were asked, no care was given.
I hate that I was so excited. I was going to be a normal girl doing normal girl things that day. That was my only hope. I hate the fact that I was so stupidly preparing for something that would cause me harm. Part of me is shocked that I didn't' learn anything from the past, wanting to be normal. I wanted to be normal celebrate 88 and look what it got me. I just wanted someone to talk to, to feel like I mattered. To have a conversation about everything and nothing. To be a normal woman doing normal things, that I always felt were not meant for me. My only intention that day was to, be a normal girl in the world. That never happened.
I should have known when I opened the door. I smelled the smoke on him, so gross. Somehow in my mind that didn't seem to matter, because the need to be normal was so strong. I looked over all the things that were screaming at me that something wasn't right. I think that there was a part of me that was uneasy, because he wanted to see the house. I think for a second, I wondered why, but that was fleeting. I can remember showing him my room. I can clearly remember pointing out the mobile above my door, it was supposed to keep evil away. Funny that I pointed it, out, and unimaginable his intentions. I guess my mobile with bright colored animals and bells didn't work to keep this evil doer away. That moment is so clear and at the same time, I don't remember how we ended up on my bed. I remember that he rolled on his sunglasses and broke them, and I felt bad, but he said it didn't matter, he didn't care. Things were moving so fast, and I just wanted to go shopping. I can remember repeatedly saying but we are supposed to go shopping, we are supposed to go shopping. I don't even remember him taking off my clothes. There is this black hole in the middle of my story, that I cannot bring myself to see. The last thing I remember was talking about going shopping and then that pillow on my face and I was gone. Not to a safe place, not to a place of dreams, just darkness. A dark so dark, that there is no sound no light, there isn't even a thought. The act of what he did to me, there is no feeling no memory it's the great nothing in my mind. That is something I struggle with if it was rape , but I don't even remember. There is a bridge missing in my brain. I got pregnant there was sex and yet my mind skips that part. I was in a dark place far away from what was happening to me. He was done and got off of me and went to the restroom. I can remember feeling this empty feeling. I felt so gross and disgusting. I was frozen trying to understand what had happened. It's such a hard feeling to explain. There is a part of my brain that knows what happened and there is a part of my brain that can't even tell you. He came out of the bathroom in a rush talking about how he had to go, I just remember having my shirt on. I remember his feet as he put on his sandals. I was nothing. He walked to the door, and I followed, all the while he was talking about his shiny BMW and how pretty and perfect that it was. I went to bed and cried. There was a part of me that had to have understood what just happened otherwise why in the world would I have been crying. I was literally living in two places at once. One in which the rape existed, and I was devasted and yet another where I didn't remember a thing. 
And I did what I knew, what I had been taught you just clean up move on and pretend that everything is fine. I was as far from fine as a person could get. I was really sick right away. I just thought it was the flu, no big deal. It was someone from work that asked if I was pregnant. My heart sank, that thought had never crossed my mind. I got a test on the way home. With in a few seconds, I had two lines. I was pregnant. I was in shock. I looked at it read the directions then looked again. There was no mistaking those two very clear distinct lines. I laid on the floor with my dog and cried, I had no idea what I was going to do. In my head I was just a slut that had gotten pregnant and that is how I kept breathing. In those same moments I knew that I was going to be a mom and there was nothing more important than that.
I never took better care of myself, and he was never in my thoughts. He was a nothing. These were my children my babies and they were going to feel loved and be cared for in all the ways I never was. I never ate better. I didn't miss one vitamin, and they were huge. It was all for them. I can remember that first appointment, and them asking about the father. I was in such a different place I was giving them information about my father, that is how much not a part of the picture that he was. Still, no one asked questions. There were clues there were signs, but I was left to deal with them alone. I can remember the first time that I really started talking about it. I can still see James, and he said, "Did he rape you?" I always hated that word, and I said Well he just didn't listen to me. I made every excuse making sure that he knew I was just a slut wanting to be normal in the world. He was kind, he asked questions, I just wasn't ready. I saw him once on my way to school. I knew it was him and I was scared. I pulled over to the side of the road and got sick, I had to catch my breathe. I was in a panic, and couldn't breathe, I can remember getting to school and calling my counselor not sure what to do. I couldn't focus on school and went home to make sure Vincent and Mariska were ok. I have never seen him again and I am forever grateful. I am not scared to drive by where he works anymore, but there are times, it still takes my breath away. I just pretend I am somewhere else and sing a little louder.
I am going to let Thursday Aug 22 be whatever kind of day that it needs to be. I will do all the normal things that I do. I will go to work, take care of all my littles. This year I will try to listen to my heart and give it what it needs. I think there I'll always be hard feelings and confusion. But I will also look at my children so grateful that they are mine. They are the reason for everything, and that thought is never far away. Somedays it is still hard to comprehend and other days it isn't a thought at all and I like those days better. Maybe when they have their own children, they will have questions. I don't know and at the same time it's not something you can prepare for either. When it comes, it will come. And I will carefully hold their heart and tell my story of before there was them. But then there was them and my heart was never fuller, never more excited and never full of more joy. They made me a mom. The day is coming, I will be careful with my heart and remember that they are my world. Even in such a sad they are my sunshine. 
I heart your heart.
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