The things that people don't understand

 I think there are a lot of things that many people do not understand about Trauma survivors.  I think there are a lot of things that people just can't know if they haven't been there. I also think that there are those people that are able to hold space even though they don't know. I got the results of the conference survey, most of them were great, it's hard for me to see, because I want to make a difference for everyone.  I want everyone to be able to hear and do things differently.  One comment said that she felt like she was in a session.  Of course, my mind goes on overdrive, thinking about what I did wrong.  The truth is I cannot control a single person who came to my presentation or the things that they thought. I just can't. 

I think maybe it was the tears in certain parts of my story that made her feel like she was in a session. Maybe, somehow, I am not supposed to cry anymore. I can tell you it took me many years to cry and after all the work that I have done, those tears are going to come.  The nature of the beast; Trauma.  There are going to be times, when I am just so very grateful for the kindnesses that I was given, that the tears will flow.  There will be times, when the bigness of all the things I experiences will hit and the tears will fall.  If I had not done so much of my own work, I never would have been able to be a presenter at all. 

Just because I am presenting doesn't mean that I am not affected.  I will be affected every day for the rest of my life.  But I choose to live and to fight and to be heard so that I can make a difference for others.  That will never change.  I cry because I spent so many years unable to.  The things that have happened are devastating, and sometimes when we least expect it, that sadness just overflows.  And that's ok.  What happened to me is more than sad.  What happened to me changed the course of my entire life.  What happened to me made me the person that I am today. Sometimes I talk about my life and if feels so far away, other times I speak about it and it feels like it was yesterday.  It is just the nature of trauma.  Don't be worried because I cry, crying is powerful and healing and shows a realness to the things that impact our lives. Be worried if I came in stone cold hard telling my story, then it would be time to worry. Healing from trauma is less stone and more about a gentle breeze in the trees.

I am just in the beginning of my speaking career but there will be more.  I have so many things to say, so much gratitude to express and thoughts to share.  I have so many thoughts for counselors, law enforcement, medical personal, advocates.  We can do better, and I want to share to show how we can do that.  It comes from my personal experience, and I am sure that there will be pieces of that in every single presentation.  My trauma gives me such insight into things that need to be done better for those that will suffer or are suffering from any kind of trauma.  When I speak, I want it to be less about my story and more this is where I have come from and the things that would have been helpful.  

Trauma is real and heavy. I am not sure that a lot of people understand how some trauma's will affect us forever.  I have been through so much dark in my lifetime, but I am not prepared to let it win and I am not prepared to ever stop speaking because of the tears.  Tears are healing, and I am still healing.  I may be healing the rest of my life, another layer, another level.  Each one building on the one before making me stronger, healing another little piece of my heart.  

I can remember being an undergrad, and a woman from the rape crisis center came in to speak to the class.  She was talking about these serious things almost bouncing around the room, like she was talking about the morning cartoons.  That has always bothered me.  Sometimes when things are so serious, there needs to be heart, slowness, and an understanding.  She was probably nervous. Which I totally understand.  But when speaking about things so serious there needs to be a level of vulnerability, a level of compassion.  If it becomes something you talk about like the weather, do something else.  When speaking of survivor's experiences as if, it was a normal part of the day we are missing the point. There is nothing normal about trauma.  And because you don't know who is in your audience and what they may have experienced. Even in speaking there has to be an openness, a sense of holding space for what you are speaking about.  When I speak, I will always hold space, for the topic, for the survivors for my own heart and for those that don't yet have the words. There will be times the tears will come, but tears come from healing and that is an ok place to be. 

I heart your heart.