Wow what a week that it has been for me. I think my soul is tired, but my heart is oh so full. I presented at the trauma conference all on my own and it was everything amazing, healing and freeing. I was terrified. The pressure that I put on myself to do everything perfect was intense. I know I knew it, it's my story but I had to put it together in a way that people could understand. I am not going to lie the days since have been a little rough. Not from my story being told but in feeling like I failed like I could have done more, said things different. I put a great deal of pressure on myself to want everything to go perfect and everyone to walk out of my presentation wanting to do things differently. I have to learn that there are so many things in presenting that are totally out of my control. There are so many things, that happen for the mere fact that audiences are different. So finally, I think that I am ready to write about the life changing interactions that I had where I hope that I was able to make a difference, to have an impact and to in some small way to help another survivor.
I was more than nervous, before I spoke, my hands were clearly shaking and that was the last thing that I wanted to show. I sat and took a breath. I think for once there were the positive thoughts running in my head, to slow down to just breathe. My thoughts were on those who may be helped by something I said. As I began to speak things just flowed. There were tears of course I am a crier. There is a sadness to the tears but more than that it's a grateful to have survived those things and to be where I am today. A gratefulness to those that made a difference for me, and I hope that maybe I can give that to others. A little of both really. Every song, every poem, every clip was my heart through and through. I spoke the words; I told my story and how Art not only helped me heal but gave me a voice.
As I prepared for the conference, I was more than worried about the time. 90 minutes seems like such a long time until you realize all of the things that you want to say. I went over and over it and there was no way in the world that I was going to get through. Until I finally talked about my frustration and realized that my entire life, I have told my story trying to prove that I was hurt. I have spent the last 49 years explaining reactions and emotions wanting to be understood. The second that I was able to stop trying to prove that things were really hard, it was like that light at the end of the tunnel. I don't have to prove my story anymore, it happened, and I am healing. Once I went through my presentation holding on to that, all the pieces fell into place. I was able to tell my story as my story no need to prove or explain things away. That is huge. So huge, that even writing this there is a different level of just how big that is.
There were so many interactions that I will forever remember, interactions that as I start my own career will become a part of the who what and why of why I do what I do. I think that the entire conference will take me some time to process. Here are some of the moments that I will carry forever.
There were a few participants that had seen me last year at the conference. I was glad that they came back, hopefully they got something from it. But one woman, and I so wish that I knew her name. She walked up to me and asked to shake my hand. She said that she saw me at the conference last year and she saw me as a victim. But that this year she saw me as a survivor. She said the difference was clear and she said other things, but my mind just couldn't contain them. I think that is one of the most powerful things you could say to a person. What that meant, I don't even have words for. And she gave me a hug!!! What, pretty unbelievable and more than amazing. I saw her often in the halls at the conference and I think my heart flipped every time that I did. There was the participant that was a victim advocate for the police station that sat next to me, that I was able to share some of my experiences, and I told her about the documentary, and I had a copy to give her. The entire time that I was speaking to her, it was like she is going to do things different. She was listening and I felt like she truly heard me. She even showed up for my presentation and I hope that it was helpful for her. She is going to take those steps to truly make a difference for other survivors. I could not ask for more. There were so many that came up to me telling me thank you, and how they work with trauma survivors and just the different perspective that they got. So many good things. I saw Becky in the hall, and she said how others told her my presentation made an impact. So many good things. I just have this need to use my story to make a difference, it's such a passion to want others to understand and to do things different.
And once again, I wish I had this woman's name. I play the video in the beginning, with the clip from the help where the little girl is sitting on her nannie's lap and together, they say "you is smart, you is kind you is important". Wow what a tender moment. Well, she walks up to me and says I just have to tell you and she repeats the same lines. The world stopped for a time. She went on to say other words, like brave, courageous and so many others. I don't even think I asked for a hug, when she started speaking and I heard all those words that seemed to be other people I am pretty sure that I cam close to jumping in her arms. I gave her the biggest hug, and I didn't want to let go. Those words are all so important and when the time is right you are able to hear them differently. And I think for the first time I genuinely heard them in a different way and that meant EVERYTHING. Gosh I hope to see her again one day and give her a hug and let her know what those moments meant for me.
I think that all of the people that I have met, I hope that I have planted at least a little seed to help them see things differently. I hope that the ones that attended my sessions had a takeaway or two and it made a difference for them. With each conference, I am touched and honored that I get to be a part of something so amazing. With each conference, I hope that there is less of my own healing and more incorporating that into helping heal others. I feel like my conference journey is a progression of all the things that I hope to accomplish in this lifetime. There is a lot of work to be done. I have more healing to do on myself. Honestly, I am not sure that there is a stopping point it's more of a kind of evolution. I still have so much insight to share, so that those around me can make the difference and so survivors like me can be nourished and cared for with respect, truth and heart.
I hope that everyone that attended my presentation could read this, and I hope that you know how incredibly grateful that I am that you chose me. To fill the seats in a room to hear a girl who has been through the worst life has to offer, and who wants better for others. I am beyond grateful. See you next year!
I heart your heart.
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