There have been so many tears these last days. My eyes are swollen and puffy, I feel like I haven't slept in days. So much feeling, so much healing, so much of all the things that I have craved. There is a sadness, in all of the things that I survived. I think there is finally that acknowledgement that things were that bad, and yet here I am. I walk into my front room to work, write and read and can't believe how far that I have come. Things hurt, there are still a few pieces that I am working on. There are still things that I talk about over and over wanting there to be some kind of resolution, I keep talking waiting for that sharp edge to become dull and much less painful. In the sadness there is also a gratefulness for those that have been on my journey that I will never forget. New people that I have met, that are true and genuine and care for my heart. I mix of all the people that have cared for this heart of mine. I can tell you that often there is an actual ache in my heart because I am that grateful for those kindnesses that have held my heart ever so gently as I have tried to find my way.
A little over a week ago, I finally had the courage to send that letter to Calvin. I miss him, so much! He is far away but if I hear from him and he says anything about, seeing him, I would in a single second. I would drive that 5 hours and give him that hug and tell him all the things. He always cared for my heart, made sure that I was ok. I felt important to him, and I could be myself. Every day I check the mail waiting to see if I heard back. I will give it a few more weeks, continuing to look for that letter. If I don't hear anything, I will be grateful that I had him and ever so grateful that I was able to tell him, all that he meant to me and the difference that he made.
Last Sunday actually I reached out to The Colony Police Chief, asking if he could get a letter to my detective for me. He answered back right away, saying that he would love to help and would do anything that he could. His words and kindnesses are what my heart needs right now. There was a trueness, an understanding. He said that if I was around he would love to meet me. So Tuesday afternoon, I am going to get to meet him and give him that letter for my detective. He has this sense of caring, that I long for in this life. Even writing about him, I am crying. He knew and worked with my detective, somehow, he is that bridge to everything that Det, Plemons meant to me. I don't know if we will go to his office, I don't know if I can ask my questions. It could be 10 minutes, but I hope it's more. I think there is a part of me that does, hope to share some of my experience with that police dept. It's been a very long time since I have stepped into those doors. I am not sure all that is going to run through my head, but I am so ready. It feels like a piece that I need. So Chief, thank you for being the bridge that I need right now in these moments.
Then there is the ever present light of Mark. Sitting here writing I feel his warmth, and absolute care. I feel his belief in me, and that has made all the difference. Even his wife. I can remember the first time seeing her and thinking awe that is his wife. And now I see her and she asks how school is, always says hello. She is also a gem. A gem that I never expected, that means the world. I have even had dreams looking for her wanting to feel safe. I feel like I am important and worth more than I give myself credit for. It's crazy how important that people can become. I heart his heart and know that he is a constant. Even in the dark, we speak of the light and never forget to laugh. Those moments of light are enough to kill that dark little by little. Spunky, that 13-year-old part of myself, is getting closer and closer. I look forward to the day when she is sitting right next to me, and we are not her or she we are one and doing this together. She is me and I am her. I have Mark to thank for that. I love them for how they have cared and nurtured my bruised heart helping me realize my own strength.
Things are changing I am getting more pieces. I am understanding more and listening less to those horrible things that I tell myself. Spunky even being in the building is huge. Her healing is something that I don't yet have a grasp on but I am trying. I want to see her just as comfortable in her own skin as little Callahan. Her suffering is just so deep, but I know she, I know that even I deserve better. I am working on that with all that I am. Someday someday.
Classes start for the fall semester tomorrow and I am beyond excited. I am not sure how much sleep that I will get tonight, because I just look forward to hearing all that we are going to learn this semester, and how I can be one of the best. I look forward to getting to see my classmates that I have come to enjoy, and am so glad that we are on this journey together. Things moving in the right direction, my heart is healing slowly but surely. I need to rest in this place knowing that I am doing all that I can with the pieces I have. Good things are coming, and I am more than excited.
Joe Satriani "I believe
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