They don't get it

 

This is something that I have had to face more times than I can count on one hand this week and it leaves you with an empty feeling.  People who tell you to ask for help or to call someone when there is no one to call.  There is no one that is there and available to ask for help and advice. People don't understand that there are some people in this world who don't have other people in all senses of the world they are most alone.  People just don't understand that.  

There was a woman last year who said that she didn't have anyone.  I jumped in, wanting to help and offer support.  Then she started talking about her sister and her dad and how friends were coming.  I was still glad to help, and there was a sad at the same time, but you said that you didn't have any help when really there were so many people around her helping her drive and doing all the things.  To her she didn't have people to me she had the world because she wasn't doing it all on her own. 

Last week when trying to figure out insurance and wanting so badly to make the right choice the woman was like well don't you have an accountant, someone you can talk to.  I was done at that point I said no I don't have anyone it's just my children and me.  She sent me a heart back and that made the tears even worse.  Don't fucking send me a heart I just told you that no I didn't have anyone to ask.  

I know that I am on my own and that I have no one to ask and when people point it out without thinking because they have people to go to.  They have people that they can ask their questions.  Don't assume that everyone has that because they don't.  All the big life decisions I have to make them on my own.  Any decision I have to hope that I am making the right decision.  

Again, last week.  Totally crazy story I had gotten, home from work and we were going to give the dog a bath.  Mariska had made frozen cokes, we got the towels and dog soap, Mabel's little pool.  Well Mariska was going to go back in because she forgot the cokes.  Well, the door was locked.  How in the world did that happen I don't have a clue, but Mariska and I were locked out of the house, in the back yard in 100-degree weather.  It was before 7 pm.  We texted Vincent and he was almost 4 hours away.  So we sat in the back yard waited for him to come home and let us in the house.  He got home around 11.  There was no one to call.  There was no one to go to.  All we have is the three of us.  I told someone at work and she was like I would have called somebody.  I stopped and looked at her telling her, there is no it's just the three of us and she had the most confusing look on her face.  She didn't understand that there was no one else to call and that we just had to wait.  Those are the things that make me sad.  I am glad that others don't understand that kind of alone, and at the same time for me it creates this hole, because people have people and I just have me.  

When big things happen do you know who I want to tell Mark.  Don't get me wrong there is one person. She is my constant dearest friend.  She has her own family, and her own things going on.  I don't have family; I don't have people to ask about life things for me.  When big things happen there are no celebrations, there are life things that I often want to share and there is no one around for that. Mariska celebrates she is always there with a Suprise and excitement, and I love ho she celebrates me.  She is my daughter and there are some things that I cannot burden her with, she is just 20 and there are things that she doesn't need to worry about.  Even the second day of the conference, I didn't want to be alone, and yet I went home to my house alone in a place that I am still trying to process.  The first day's conference left me feeling so free and yet there was no one.  I wanted to go out to dinner and laugh and talk about my day and how successful I felt and how amazing that I felt and how healing that it was.  There were so many things inside that I wanted to share and to express and those experiences are not meant for me. That makes me more than sad.  Someday, I hope that I will have people like that, people to celebrate milestones and successes with but right now I don't.  Others throwing it out there and making, me feel like I am less than because I don't have people is a very hard place to be.  Someday, I will have people, because I will never stop searching. 

I heart your heart.