It's just not fair

 

I really hate that saying.  I feel like it's an oh poor me, life is terrible, and I want all the attention.  I can think of times when I have heard people say that and it seems so trivial like they don't even understand all  the awfulness in this world.  Well yesterday, I found the tears falling and found those words coming out of my mouth. I felt those words to my core.  The life that I had to live at 13, was unimaginable.  Poor Spunky, I feel like I can say without a doubt, that Spunky got the short end of the stick.  She did not deserve the hand that she was dealt in this life. I am not saying that I expect anything in life on a silver platter, it is not like that at all. I don't want special treatment, or to be treated like I am going to break.  I am not expecting any kind of special consideration.  I just have to acknowledge the fact that life was more than hard.  Everything that could have been stacked against me was, I grew up believing the most terrible things about myself, that I often still have to fight.  Growing up and living life the way that I did was absolutely exhausting.  I was trying to survive and find my place.  I was trying to fit in, but I never really did.  I was always an outlier, always something other than that no one wanted around. 

The things that Spunky had to live with daily were unimaginable.  The loss, the grief the sorrow of all the things that never got to be.  13 is so young, I think back and I had the world on my shoulders and knew so much about so many things before my time.  I was talking in counseling yesterday, and I see that 13-year-old part of me laying on the couch that is outside of his office.  She is finally letting go and safe but I feel like I have to fight for her.  I have to keep her safe.  I feel like I am already on guard all the time and it's even more intense now that she is laying down, and for once resting. I picture her on that couch outside the door, while I am in the office crying and the only words that I could find, were it's just not fair.  Those were the only words that seem to fit.  Sometimes there is no way around, the ugliness, the awfulness that got us here. 

I look forward to the day when I can picture her sitting next to me , on the same couch maybe even leaning in, close to me knowing that I have her heart.  Knowing that we have her back and will never let anything happen to her. We are here to give her all the things that she never got.  She needs love and so much patience and understanding.  She needs kindness, she needs everything gentle, she needs to know that she isn't so awful.  She needs to know that she never has to go back there or fight alone. She never has to face the darkness of those days, on her own. She never has to worry that she will be left behind and ignored.  I am lucky that I can give her that.  I am not saying that there still isn't work to do.  But I believe the things we have to work on we have to do together.  She needs my support; I need her memory.  It just hurts all that we experienced in life and here I go again, it just wasn't fair.  So much was taken away, that can never ever be replaced.  There are ways in which we will always be affected.  It's just so heavy and so deep. The hurt that was inflicted created huge holes and deep scars that I hope someday won't ache.  I imagine a day when we can both be strong and so proud of all that we have overcome, and gotten us to where we are.  

I heart your heart