Every Window has a different Story

I found this post on Facebook talking about how every window has a different story.  I have sat with that thought for a time now, and it feels so fitting.  I hold so many different stories and oh so many different windows.  The things that people see from the outside is so very different from the inside.  That makes the world hard to navigate because no one can understand the place that I am coming from.  No one can understand the experiences that I have had that have gotten me where I am.  August 22 is one of those days.  Each year, a day that I struggle with sometimes, there is a sad for me, I believed that was what I was good for.  Somedays it passes and I just have a gratefulness for my children.  With out that day I wouldn't have them.  There are so many different aspects to that day, that each one could fill a different window.  A different time a different view, a different feeling.  Some windows hold the darkness, some hold the light.  This year as I step back, I have a view of them all, and it's hard and heavy and feels far away.  

It is just a very hard complicated place to be.  There is no manual how to do this or what a person is supposed to feel in this situation.  There are parts of me that are tied to that day, that I can never get back and the best part of me came from that day. so much to unpack in a single day.  My heart is just heavy, there is a weight that no person should have to carry, little lone carry alone.  I hate that nothing was ever talked about, nothing was ever said or acknowledged.  No questions were asked, no care was given. 

I hate that I was so excited.  I was going to be a normal girl doing normal girl things that day. That was my only hope. I hate the fact that I was so stupidly preparing for something that would cause me harm.  Part of me is shocked that I didn't' learn anything from the past, wanting to be normal. I wanted to be normal celebrate 88 and look what it got me.  I just wanted someone to talk to, to feel like I mattered.  To have a conversation about everything and nothing.  To be a normal woman doing normal things, that I always felt were not meant for me.  My only intention that day was to, be a normal girl in the world.  That never happened.  

I should have known when I opened the door.  I smelled the smoke on him, so gross.  Somehow in my mind that didn't seem to matter, because the need to be normal was so strong. I looked over all the things that were screaming at me that something wasn't right. I think that there was a part of me that was uneasy, because he wanted to see the house.  I think for a second, I wondered why, but that was fleeting.  I can remember showing him my room.  I can clearly remember pointing out the mobile above my door, it was supposed to keep evil away.  Funny that I pointed it, out, and unimaginable his intentions.  I guess my mobile with bright colored animals and bells didn't work to keep this evil doer away. That moment is so clear and at the same time, I don't remember how we ended up on my bed.  I remember that he rolled on his sunglasses and broke them, and I felt bad, but he said it didn't matter, he didn't care.  Things were moving so fast, and I just wanted to go shopping.  I can remember repeatedly saying but we are supposed to go shopping, we are supposed to go shopping.  I don't even remember him taking off my clothes.  There is this black hole in the middle of my story, that I cannot bring myself to see. The last thing I remember was talking about going shopping and then that pillow on my face and I was gone.  Not to a safe place, not to a place of dreams, just darkness.  A dark so dark, that there is no sound no light, there isn't even a thought.  The act of what he did to me, there is no feeling no memory it's the great nothing in my mind. That is something I struggle with if it was rape , but I don't even remember.  There is a bridge missing in my brain.  I got pregnant there was sex and yet my mind skips that part. I was in a dark place far away from what was happening to me.  He was done and got off of me and went to the restroom. I can remember feeling this empty feeling.  I felt so gross and disgusting. I was frozen trying to understand what had happened.  It's such a hard feeling to explain.  There is a part of my brain that knows what happened and there is a part of my brain that can't even tell you.  He came out of the bathroom in a rush talking about how he had to go, I just remember having my shirt on.  I remember his feet as he put on his sandals. I was nothing.  He walked to the door, and I followed, all the while he was talking about his shiny BMW and how pretty and perfect that it was.  I went to bed and cried.  There was a part of me that had to have understood what just happened otherwise why in the world would I have been crying.  I was literally living in two places at once.  One in which the rape existed, and I was devasted and yet another where I didn't remember a thing.  

And I did what I knew, what I had been taught you just clean up move on and pretend that everything is fine.  I was as far from fine as a person could get.  I was really sick right away.  I just thought it was the flu, no big deal.  It was someone from work that asked if I was pregnant.  My heart sank, that thought had never crossed my mind.  I got a test on the way home.  With in a few seconds, I had two lines.  I was pregnant. I was in shock.  I looked at it read the directions then looked again.  There was no mistaking those two very clear distinct lines.  I laid on the floor with my dog and cried, I had no idea what I was going to do.  In my head I was just a slut that had gotten pregnant and that is how I kept breathing. In those same moments I knew that I was going to be a mom and there was nothing more important than that. 

I never took better care of myself, and he was never in my thoughts.  He was a nothing.  These were my children my babies and they were going to feel loved and be cared for in all the ways I never was.  I never ate better.  I didn't miss one vitamin, and they were huge. It was all for them.  I can remember that first appointment, and them asking about the father.  I was in such a different place I was giving them information about my father, that is how much not a part of the picture that he was.  Still, no one asked questions.  There were clues there were signs, but I was left to deal with them alone. I can remember the first time that I really started talking about it.  I can still see James, and he said, "Did he rape you?"  I always hated that word, and I said Well he just didn't listen to me.  I made every excuse making sure that he knew I was just a slut wanting to be normal in the world.  He was kind, he asked questions, I just wasn't ready.  I saw him once on my way to school. I knew it was him and I was scared. I pulled over to the side of the road and got sick, I had to catch my breathe.  I was in a panic, and couldn't breathe, I can remember getting to school and calling my counselor not sure what to do.  I couldn't focus on school and went home to make sure Vincent and Mariska were ok.  I have never seen him again and I am forever grateful.  I am not scared to drive by where he works anymore, but there are times, it still takes my breath away. I just pretend I am somewhere else and sing a little louder. 

I am going to let Thursday Aug 22 be whatever kind of day that it needs to be.  I will do all the normal things that I do.  I will go to work, take care of all my littles.  This year I will try to listen to my heart and give it what it needs.  I think there I'll always be hard feelings and confusion.  But I will also look at my children so grateful that they are mine.  They are the reason for everything, and that thought is never far away. Somedays it is still hard to comprehend and other days it isn't a thought at all and I like those days better.  Maybe when they have their own children, they will have questions.  I don't know and at the same time it's not something you can prepare for either.  When it comes, it will come.  And I will carefully hold their heart and tell my story of before there was them.  But then there was them and my heart was never fuller, never more excited and never full of more joy.  They made me a mom.  The day is coming, I will be careful with my heart and remember that they are my world.  Even in such a sad they are my sunshine.  

I heart your heart.

 

It's just not fair

 

I really hate that saying.  I feel like it's an oh poor me, life is terrible, and I want all the attention.  I can think of times when I have heard people say that and it seems so trivial like they don't even understand all  the awfulness in this world.  Well yesterday, I found the tears falling and found those words coming out of my mouth. I felt those words to my core.  The life that I had to live at 13, was unimaginable.  Poor Spunky, I feel like I can say without a doubt, that Spunky got the short end of the stick.  She did not deserve the hand that she was dealt in this life. I am not saying that I expect anything in life on a silver platter, it is not like that at all. I don't want special treatment, or to be treated like I am going to break.  I am not expecting any kind of special consideration.  I just have to acknowledge the fact that life was more than hard.  Everything that could have been stacked against me was, I grew up believing the most terrible things about myself, that I often still have to fight.  Growing up and living life the way that I did was absolutely exhausting.  I was trying to survive and find my place.  I was trying to fit in, but I never really did.  I was always an outlier, always something other than that no one wanted around. 

The things that Spunky had to live with daily were unimaginable.  The loss, the grief the sorrow of all the things that never got to be.  13 is so young, I think back and I had the world on my shoulders and knew so much about so many things before my time.  I was talking in counseling yesterday, and I see that 13-year-old part of me laying on the couch that is outside of his office.  She is finally letting go and safe but I feel like I have to fight for her.  I have to keep her safe.  I feel like I am already on guard all the time and it's even more intense now that she is laying down, and for once resting. I picture her on that couch outside the door, while I am in the office crying and the only words that I could find, were it's just not fair.  Those were the only words that seem to fit.  Sometimes there is no way around, the ugliness, the awfulness that got us here. 

I look forward to the day when I can picture her sitting next to me , on the same couch maybe even leaning in, close to me knowing that I have her heart.  Knowing that we have her back and will never let anything happen to her. We are here to give her all the things that she never got.  She needs love and so much patience and understanding.  She needs kindness, she needs everything gentle, she needs to know that she isn't so awful.  She needs to know that she never has to go back there or fight alone. She never has to face the darkness of those days, on her own. She never has to worry that she will be left behind and ignored.  I am lucky that I can give her that.  I am not saying that there still isn't work to do.  But I believe the things we have to work on we have to do together.  She needs my support; I need her memory.  It just hurts all that we experienced in life and here I go again, it just wasn't fair.  So much was taken away, that can never ever be replaced.  There are ways in which we will always be affected.  It's just so heavy and so deep. The hurt that was inflicted created huge holes and deep scars that I hope someday won't ache.  I imagine a day when we can both be strong and so proud of all that we have overcome, and gotten us to where we are.  

I heart your heart 

They don't get it

 

This is something that I have had to face more times than I can count on one hand this week and it leaves you with an empty feeling.  People who tell you to ask for help or to call someone when there is no one to call.  There is no one that is there and available to ask for help and advice. People don't understand that there are some people in this world who don't have other people in all senses of the world they are most alone.  People just don't understand that.  

There was a woman last year who said that she didn't have anyone.  I jumped in, wanting to help and offer support.  Then she started talking about her sister and her dad and how friends were coming.  I was still glad to help, and there was a sad at the same time, but you said that you didn't have any help when really there were so many people around her helping her drive and doing all the things.  To her she didn't have people to me she had the world because she wasn't doing it all on her own. 

Last week when trying to figure out insurance and wanting so badly to make the right choice the woman was like well don't you have an accountant, someone you can talk to.  I was done at that point I said no I don't have anyone it's just my children and me.  She sent me a heart back and that made the tears even worse.  Don't fucking send me a heart I just told you that no I didn't have anyone to ask.  

I know that I am on my own and that I have no one to ask and when people point it out without thinking because they have people to go to.  They have people that they can ask their questions.  Don't assume that everyone has that because they don't.  All the big life decisions I have to make them on my own.  Any decision I have to hope that I am making the right decision.  

Again, last week.  Totally crazy story I had gotten, home from work and we were going to give the dog a bath.  Mariska had made frozen cokes, we got the towels and dog soap, Mabel's little pool.  Well Mariska was going to go back in because she forgot the cokes.  Well, the door was locked.  How in the world did that happen I don't have a clue, but Mariska and I were locked out of the house, in the back yard in 100-degree weather.  It was before 7 pm.  We texted Vincent and he was almost 4 hours away.  So we sat in the back yard waited for him to come home and let us in the house.  He got home around 11.  There was no one to call.  There was no one to go to.  All we have is the three of us.  I told someone at work and she was like I would have called somebody.  I stopped and looked at her telling her, there is no it's just the three of us and she had the most confusing look on her face.  She didn't understand that there was no one else to call and that we just had to wait.  Those are the things that make me sad.  I am glad that others don't understand that kind of alone, and at the same time for me it creates this hole, because people have people and I just have me.  

When big things happen do you know who I want to tell Mark.  Don't get me wrong there is one person. She is my constant dearest friend.  She has her own family, and her own things going on.  I don't have family; I don't have people to ask about life things for me.  When big things happen there are no celebrations, there are life things that I often want to share and there is no one around for that. Mariska celebrates she is always there with a Suprise and excitement, and I love ho she celebrates me.  She is my daughter and there are some things that I cannot burden her with, she is just 20 and there are things that she doesn't need to worry about.  Even the second day of the conference, I didn't want to be alone, and yet I went home to my house alone in a place that I am still trying to process.  The first day's conference left me feeling so free and yet there was no one.  I wanted to go out to dinner and laugh and talk about my day and how successful I felt and how amazing that I felt and how healing that it was.  There were so many things inside that I wanted to share and to express and those experiences are not meant for me. That makes me more than sad.  Someday, I hope that I will have people like that, people to celebrate milestones and successes with but right now I don't.  Others throwing it out there and making, me feel like I am less than because I don't have people is a very hard place to be.  Someday, I will have people, because I will never stop searching. 

I heart your heart.  

I felt so free

 

Wow what a week that it has been for me.  I think my soul is tired, but my heart is oh so full.  I presented at the trauma conference all on my own and it was everything amazing, healing and freeing. I was terrified.  The pressure that I put on myself to do everything perfect was intense.  I know I knew it, it's my story but I had to put it together in a way that people could understand.  I am not going to lie the days since have been a little rough. Not from my story being told but in feeling like I failed like I could have done more, said things different.  I put a great deal of pressure on myself to want everything to go perfect and everyone to walk out of my presentation wanting to do things differently.  I have to learn that there are so many things in presenting that are totally out of my control.  There are so many things, that happen for the mere fact that audiences are different.  So finally, I think that I am ready to write about the life changing interactions that I had where I hope that I was able to make a difference, to have an impact and to in some small way to help another survivor. 

I was more than nervous, before I spoke, my hands were clearly shaking and that was the last thing that I wanted to show.  I sat and took a breath.  I think for once there were the positive thoughts running in my head, to slow down to just breathe.  My thoughts were on those who may be helped by something I said.  As I began to speak things just flowed.  There were tears of course I am a crier.  There is a sadness to the tears but more than that it's a grateful to have survived those things and to be where I am today. A gratefulness to those that made a difference for me, and I hope that maybe I can give that to others.  A little of both really.  Every song, every poem, every clip was my heart through and through.  I spoke the words; I told my story and how Art not only helped me heal but gave me a voice.  

As I prepared for the conference, I was more than worried about the time. 90 minutes seems like such a long time until you realize all of the things that you want to say. I went over and over it and there was no way in the world that I was going to get through.  Until I finally talked about my frustration and realized that my entire life, I have told my story trying to prove that I was hurt.  I have spent the last 49 years explaining reactions and emotions wanting to be understood.  The second that I was able to stop trying to prove that things were really hard, it was like that light at the end of the tunnel.  I don't have to prove my story anymore, it happened, and I am healing.  Once I went through my presentation holding on to that, all the pieces fell into place. I was able to tell my story as my story no need to prove or explain things away.  That is huge. So huge, that even writing this there is a different level of just how big that is. 

There were so many interactions that I will forever remember, interactions that as I start my own career will become a part of the who what and why of why I do what I do. I think that the entire conference will take me some time to process.  Here are some of the moments that I will carry forever. 

There were a few participants that had seen me last year at the conference.  I was glad that they came back, hopefully they got something from it.  But one woman, and I so wish that I knew her name.  She walked up to me and asked to shake my hand.  She said that she saw me at the conference last year and she saw me as a victim.  But that this year she saw me as a survivor.  She said the difference was clear and she said other things, but my mind just couldn't contain them.  I think that is one of the most powerful things you could say to a person.  What that meant, I don't even have words for. And she gave me a hug!!! What, pretty unbelievable and more than amazing.  I saw her often in the halls at the conference and I think my heart flipped every time that I did.  There was the participant that was a victim advocate for the police station that sat next to me, that I was able to share some of my experiences, and I told her about the documentary, and I had a copy to give her.  The entire time that I was speaking to her, it was like she is going to do things different. She was listening and I felt like she truly heard me.  She even showed up for my presentation and I hope that it was helpful for her.  She is going to take those steps to truly make a difference for other survivors.  I could not ask for more.  There were so many that came up to me telling me thank you, and how they work with trauma survivors and just the different perspective that they got.  So many good things.  I saw Becky in the hall, and she said how others told her my presentation made an impact.  So many good things.  I just have this need to use my story to make a difference, it's such a passion to want others to understand and to do things different. 

And once again, I wish I had this woman's name.  I play the video in the beginning, with the clip from the help where the little girl is sitting on her nannie's lap and together, they say "you is smart, you is kind you is important". Wow what a tender moment.  Well, she walks up to me and says I just have to tell you and she repeats the same lines.  The world stopped for a time.  She went on to say other words, like brave, courageous and so many others.  I don't even think I asked for a hug, when she started speaking and I heard all those words that seemed to be other people I am pretty sure that I cam close to jumping in her arms.  I gave her the biggest hug, and I didn't want to let go.  Those words are all so important and when the time is right you are able to hear them differently.  And I think for the first time I genuinely heard them in a different way and that meant EVERYTHING.  Gosh I hope to see her again one day and give her a hug and let her know what those moments meant for me. 

I think that all of the people that I have met, I hope that I have planted at least a little seed to help them see things differently. I hope that the ones that attended my sessions had a takeaway or two and it made a difference for them. With each conference, I am touched and honored that I get to be a part of something so amazing.  With each conference, I hope that there is less of my own healing and more incorporating that into helping heal others.  I feel like my conference journey is a progression of all the things that I hope to accomplish in this lifetime.  There is a lot of work to be done.  I have more healing to do on myself. Honestly, I am not sure that there is a stopping point it's more of a kind of evolution.  I still have so much insight to share, so that those around me can make the difference and so survivors like me can be nourished and cared for with respect, truth and heart. 

I hope that everyone that attended my presentation could read this, and I hope that you know how incredibly grateful that I am that you chose me. To fill the seats in a room to hear a girl who has been through the worst life has to offer, and who wants better for others. I am beyond grateful.  See you next year!  

I heart your heart. 

Breakdown

Just in a different spot than I have ever been in before.  Things are going in the right direction, and I feel more alone than ever. I think that after sharing my story piece by piece there is a sadness, that hits more than hard.  Just another level of understanding at how hard things were and how alone that I have been in this world. Each time that I speak it's a different layer and sometimes it just hurts.  These last days there has been a lot of sleeping, taking things slow and making everything pretty around me.  Cleaning fixing making sure that everything is in the just right spot.  I have been trying to be more present, taking time to breathe.   I am trying to be kind to myself in the process, and that is not an easy task.  Being gentle on myself is the last thing that I feel like doing. So many tears and I just have to be.  This world has been unkind, and I am doing everything possible to make it better.  It's just in the meantime, while I am working continuing to heal that things get tough.  Maybe it's not really a breakdown more like breaking open allowing the things out that need to see the light. Maybe it's just shining a light on the things that have been in the dark for longer than they should have. I am dreading the fact that work comes tomorrow.  I am trying to think positive.  I am going to try to have an open mind, but the only thing that I am is burnt out.  So it's all of everything.  I know that this year will go fast.  My classes start soon and all is heading in the right direction.  I have to remember that I am not going to be perfect, maybe for one I need to just be . 

I heart your heart.

The right road

 

Life is crazy, amazing, terrible, tragic, overwhelming and insanely miraculous all in the same breath. I am sitting in a conference this morning, listening to a speaker who is sharing his findings, his research and leaning into what he knows of those things through his own personal experiences. There is nothing more powerful than when a person can bring their own personal experiences into the topic that they are presenting. 

I am sitting here, with so many thoughts flying through my brain.  I am also sitting here, with this sense of contentment and peace that I know I am on the right road and doing exactly what I need to be doing. There is a part of me that feels I am so out of my league.  All of these professionals then there is me.  I am just a survivor; I am just this I am just that. I have all of these dismissive thoughts, like who am I to share.  At the same time there is this realization and awakening almost that I have so many things to share that are really important.  I want to be able to sit in the room, feeling like I belong there that I know what I am talking about. I have a lot of really important things to say, and I want to be taken seriously. 

Before the presentation began Becky came up to me talking about a possible opportunity in doing a presentation at the Dallas Museum of Art!   Shut the front door, how do I even control the awesomeness of that. That someone thinks I can do a good enough job.  For someone to believe that art is that important, and something worth being presented and people coming to learn is more than awesome.  

I can say without a doubt that Trauma support Services has my heart and the things that they do for people are things that can literally change the world, and I am more than lucky that I can be a small piece of that. I am sitting her and there are so many thoughts.  

So much feels so right.  For the first time in a long time I feel like I am on the right road heading in the right direction.  I have choices to make and directions that need to be confirmed, this is where I was meant to be.  I am surrounded by people who have dreams and desires to make the world different and that means the world.  I am going to hit road bumps but I am truly truly doing what I am passionate about and working towards the things that are truly a soul calling for me.  It's hard to imagine that things could be so amazing, and I sit here hand on my heart in awe that wow there are things on the horizon for me that are the things of dreamers.  I look forward to each and every one of those things happening for me.  This Callahan is going to make a difference, I will not stop until survivors are given all the care in the world that they deserve.  It feels amazing to be on a road that was meant for me.  

I heart your heart 

One amazing conference, two totally different days

 

I am really not sure where to start.  There are so many things to say and none of them can find the right formulation of syllables to even become words.  I am sitting here staring at the screen and nothing.  The first day was as close to perfect as it could possibly be.  The second day was so completely different, and I think I took it personal, like I did something wrong .  I am trying to figure it out.  Since today was the second day I am trying to figure out all the differences, and wanting, hoping that today was good for those that attended. The second group seemed so closed, I found myself trying to explain things away, because the connection was different. Don't for a second get me wrong, there were a few that were totally connected and I felt it.  In the room as a whole, things were different and maybe I just can't put my finger on it.  So unbelievable same presentation on two different days can be so incredibly different 

I am trying to focus on all the good things and it's more than hard when you feel like you have failed in some way.  And that's the thing it was the same presentation, the only thing that changed was the attendees, but it was so different.  There just wasn't the same openess or connection the second day. 

After the second day there is a lonely that I can't explain. I feel like I failed in some way. There was a connection missing on the second day, I felt like I had to explain and prove my story. Don't get me wrong there were some amazing attendees that were oh so kind, as a whole, it felt cold. I came home last night, and the tears kept coming, I couldn't eat.  It was a rough night and I can't even explain all the reasons why.  I am not going to try to understand why they were just different days and I am going to write about the amazing people, and the amazing experience that I had. 

I am grateful for the people that called to tell me to do amazing.  The ones that called in the evening to check in on me and se how things went.  I have some pretty amazing people in my life today.